Slap on a bucket, get ready to hit the ground (3.10.2016)

I got home from asylum at 21.09. What can I say, it was boring as fuck. Here's what they did:

• Make me wait. A LOT. Most days went by sitting in the room, being bored to death. On other less fortunate days, I had to counter people trying to strike up stupid conversations. Mainly in Russian, which I don't speak.
• Psychologist mainly did some boring tests that anyone could predict from a mile away. They were following: Word memorization -> number memorization & reversal -> number memorization & replacement -> word memorization (recall)
  Next day: Word memorization (just for hecks) -> Puzzles (4 -> 9, recreating image using blocks) -> Matrixes and pattern recognition -> Cards and sorting them.
  
  Now, to tell some tricks to them:
  
  ♦ Word memorization -> Create a story, or images. For images, try to "flow" from one to other.
  ♦ Number memorization & reversal -> Imagine numbers, then read them backwards.
  ♦ Number memorization & replacement -> Don't look at the code above. Look at what you've already written.
  ♦ Puzzles -> With 4, it's straight up. With 9, divide the image into 3 mentally -- create lines. Turn off presumptions, they'll only hinder. One by one, set them down. On easier ones, you can try corners, for me, at last ones, it completely fucked me over, so I used what I just wrote.
  ♦ Matrixes and patterns -> Look for corners, ups and downs, locations, overall structure -- anything to hint to a "flaw" in others.
  
  She also did aspergers' test, which I apparently failed to a certain degree. Not it, but not not it either.
• Then there was MRT/MRI. Turns out it found stuff in my head. 4-5 thingies, which seem to be similar to Sclerosis multiplexes, but no signs were found on me. Older diagnosis' distorted the results even more.

In the end, they are sending me to a geneticist (19.10) and psychologist (even later). For now, they concluded: "Pervasive depressive disorder", or so I could translate the words most directly.

Apart from all that, art has hit the bucket again. Can't color for shit anymore. Patience also runs out when sketching, since things don't turn out how you expect them. Damn that random factor. <.<

What's worse, is that I've also hit a wall with art. Seeing others do these things and looking at self, really puts you off. Especially, if you try damn hard and for hours, and still turns out crap. Negativity and extreme self-criticism? Oh, hell yes.

There was also kind-of an OBE while dreaming. I dreamt that fell into a sleep paralysis and then a lot of noise again. Also some weird patterns. Woke up due to it. Still haven't really got used to entering that state though. Feels so goddamn funky as hell. It's like falling, but on drugs.

Been a while.(10.09.2016)

Lots has happened, or what seems to be lots looking backwards. Currently, as i'm writing this, I'm at a mental hospital -- I'm just gonna call it 'asylum', since it's simpler. Why am I here? Mainly, because I'm drawing closer and closer to the "threshold of insanity", I've had suicidal plans, but the safety switch still works. Though, that's of no concern. My main is still the heart and emptiness It has been expanding. It feels so empty. Like something essential, that's supposed to be there, gone,

I still can't imagine, or at least say, what i'd call "imagining".For all it's been worth, i've posted on DeviantArt. I don't really dwell on colors, since I feel as if it'd be a wasted effort, if the base is boring and crap.
http://imh1ki.deviantart.com/

I also had a chance to play piano at the school. I've played piano once at relative's. And I've owned a kids' synthesizer waaaay back, so it ain't exactly my first time. If you were to listen, listen to earlier posted / older stuff. They have more composition over newer stuff (since newer stuff was mainly when I was hit by depression wave and didn't really feel like playing. You can astray far from: "Untitled" series & "Uncertainty").
The 6-th day also had a melody somehow so similar to something that I can't recall. Others had also similar melody, yet didn't know from where,
https://soundcloud.com/hikiko-unlimited

Dreams -- still as weird as usual. Though, thinking back, i've died quite many times. Not in the nice way either. Mainly ripped to pieces by some weird shadow things, caught and killed, eaten etc.
i'm still trying to impose getting "into myself" and somehow, unlocking something (mainly imagination. Therefore, I open any insanity with open arms, in hopes to turn it to my own favor).

I've no idea where my life is heading, but i've a feeling of unknown, Maybe death would indeed be a sweet relief.

Just leaving this here

This anime touches some pretty interesting points (suggestions, memories, OBE, fears etc):

http://kissanime.to/Anime/Ghost-Hound/Episode-001

Update of 9.09.2015

Well-p. It's been over a month since I posted anything here. I've mainly been doing streams and random art, so yeah.

A lot of post-dreams have become more of a state of awareness to what I could actually do. And I'm kinda remembering how things are constructed. ... that is meanwhile cursing later why things don't fucking work. :P
But considering how fast my style has changed and the amount I learn, is pretty darn big... but personally, I think it's still too little. The constant feeling of "I could do a lot better" persists and often leads to frustration and and sadness.

Reference + Freestyle sketch (8-th September)

Bodies still look heavily awkward and don't have the correct feeling to them.

(7-th September, random Lineart)

Some traditional art (4-th September)

(26 August, got annoyed by the facial expression and perspective, abandoned)

(25-th August, Yuki's Birthday)

(???, inspired by Facebook's pirate language)

Wasting time again (5.08.2015)

This is how I waste time:

While playing GMod Deathrun, this happened. Yuki took a screenshot XD

And while streaming Dark Messiah, there raised a question how big is big (referring to boobs). And Yuki was kinda disappointed with her own, so i drew a picture with her having some. 

(Clearly not one of my best, but it's something)

There are other stuff, but don't feel like wasting time on that. Oh well.