Slap on a bucket, get ready to hit the ground (3.10.2016)

I got home from asylum at 21.09. What can I say, it was boring as fuck. Here's what they did:

• Make me wait. A LOT. Most days went by sitting in the room, being bored to death. On other less fortunate days, I had to counter people trying to strike up stupid conversations. Mainly in Russian, which I don't speak.
• Psychologist mainly did some boring tests that anyone could predict from a mile away. They were following: Word memorization -> number memorization & reversal -> number memorization & replacement -> word memorization (recall)
  Next day: Word memorization (just for hecks) -> Puzzles (4 -> 9, recreating image using blocks) -> Matrixes and pattern recognition -> Cards and sorting them.
  
  Now, to tell some tricks to them:
  
  ♦ Word memorization -> Create a story, or images. For images, try to "flow" from one to other.
  ♦ Number memorization & reversal -> Imagine numbers, then read them backwards.
  ♦ Number memorization & replacement -> Don't look at the code above. Look at what you've already written.
  ♦ Puzzles -> With 4, it's straight up. With 9, divide the image into 3 mentally -- create lines. Turn off presumptions, they'll only hinder. One by one, set them down. On easier ones, you can try corners, for me, at last ones, it completely fucked me over, so I used what I just wrote.
  ♦ Matrixes and patterns -> Look for corners, ups and downs, locations, overall structure -- anything to hint to a "flaw" in others.
  
  She also did aspergers' test, which I apparently failed to a certain degree. Not it, but not not it either.
• Then there was MRT/MRI. Turns out it found stuff in my head. 4-5 thingies, which seem to be similar to Sclerosis multiplexes, but no signs were found on me. Older diagnosis' distorted the results even more.

In the end, they are sending me to a geneticist (19.10) and psychologist (even later). For now, they concluded: "Pervasive depressive disorder", or so I could translate the words most directly.

Apart from all that, art has hit the bucket again. Can't color for shit anymore. Patience also runs out when sketching, since things don't turn out how you expect them. Damn that random factor. <.<

What's worse, is that I've also hit a wall with art. Seeing others do these things and looking at self, really puts you off. Especially, if you try damn hard and for hours, and still turns out crap. Negativity and extreme self-criticism? Oh, hell yes.

There was also kind-of an OBE while dreaming. I dreamt that fell into a sleep paralysis and then a lot of noise again. Also some weird patterns. Woke up due to it. Still haven't really got used to entering that state though. Feels so goddamn funky as hell. It's like falling, but on drugs.

Been a while.(10.09.2016)

Lots has happened, or what seems to be lots looking backwards. Currently, as i'm writing this, I'm at a mental hospital -- I'm just gonna call it 'asylum', since it's simpler. Why am I here? Mainly, because I'm drawing closer and closer to the "threshold of insanity", I've had suicidal plans, but the safety switch still works. Though, that's of no concern. My main is still the heart and emptiness It has been expanding. It feels so empty. Like something essential, that's supposed to be there, gone,

I still can't imagine, or at least say, what i'd call "imagining".For all it's been worth, i've posted on DeviantArt. I don't really dwell on colors, since I feel as if it'd be a wasted effort, if the base is boring and crap.
http://imh1ki.deviantart.com/

I also had a chance to play piano at the school. I've played piano once at relative's. And I've owned a kids' synthesizer waaaay back, so it ain't exactly my first time. If you were to listen, listen to earlier posted / older stuff. They have more composition over newer stuff (since newer stuff was mainly when I was hit by depression wave and didn't really feel like playing. You can astray far from: "Untitled" series & "Uncertainty").
The 6-th day also had a melody somehow so similar to something that I can't recall. Others had also similar melody, yet didn't know from where,
https://soundcloud.com/hikiko-unlimited

Dreams -- still as weird as usual. Though, thinking back, i've died quite many times. Not in the nice way either. Mainly ripped to pieces by some weird shadow things, caught and killed, eaten etc.
i'm still trying to impose getting "into myself" and somehow, unlocking something (mainly imagination. Therefore, I open any insanity with open arms, in hopes to turn it to my own favor).

I've no idea where my life is heading, but i've a feeling of unknown, Maybe death would indeed be a sweet relief.

Just leaving this here

This anime touches some pretty interesting points (suggestions, memories, OBE, fears etc):

http://kissanime.to/Anime/Ghost-Hound/Episode-001

Update of 9.09.2015

Well-p. It's been over a month since I posted anything here. I've mainly been doing streams and random art, so yeah.

A lot of post-dreams have become more of a state of awareness to what I could actually do. And I'm kinda remembering how things are constructed. ... that is meanwhile cursing later why things don't fucking work. :P
But considering how fast my style has changed and the amount I learn, is pretty darn big... but personally, I think it's still too little. The constant feeling of "I could do a lot better" persists and often leads to frustration and and sadness.

Reference + Freestyle sketch (8-th September)

Bodies still look heavily awkward and don't have the correct feeling to them.

(7-th September, random Lineart)

Some traditional art (4-th September)

(26 August, got annoyed by the facial expression and perspective, abandoned)

(25-th August, Yuki's Birthday)

(???, inspired by Facebook's pirate language)

Wasting time again (5.08.2015)

This is how I waste time:

While playing GMod Deathrun, this happened. Yuki took a screenshot XD

And while streaming Dark Messiah, there raised a question how big is big (referring to boobs). And Yuki was kinda disappointed with her own, so i drew a picture with her having some. 

(Clearly not one of my best, but it's something)

There are other stuff, but don't feel like wasting time on that. Oh well.

Update of 1.08.2015

I'm slowly gaining control over dreams. Especially using and utilizing abilities. Flying has turned into one of the most used ones. No matter the theme of dream (except terror), I can use it, though not instantly. Takes time to get the feeling.

While talking about dreams, I remember some, that i'd like to note down.

"Click"
In a world quite similar to our own, I met a lady in about 30's. She was able to freely use PK. I asked how she does it and she answered that "you relax and empty your mind, then focus on the object until it 'clicks', then manipulate it". I'm unsure to what she was referring to. Bio-field? State of mind? *shrugs*

Flying-related dreams
Well, for one, I got a good understanding on how my village looks from above. It was awesome :P

And I one dream, i was thirsty, so i tried to get something to drink from one of those dispenser machines. Then a guy comes to shoo me away.

In today's dream, there was some show-type of thingy going on. I was just observing from the back row by levitating. :D

The other thing I've been trying to do is "collide" dream world with reality. Kind of like a state of mind where you exhibit full capabilities of dream world. For example, visualization. The clarity you have in a dream and the ability to instantly create things. It would be extremely useful with art, music etc.
Just yesterday, after waking and going back to sleep, I saw an extremely detailed image of a nekomimi (catgirl). I mean on a level of a professional artist, who has had years of experience with manga. However when I tried to recreate it, I had forgotten most about it.

Update of 11.07.2015

Ugh, finally that stupid day is over.

More tests.

Seems sensors give somewhat false info while heavily on use. Then again, wouldn't surprise me if they actually gave the correct either.

CPU standby (~10% CPU usage) temps: 32-36C
CPU standby with external cooling: 27 - 30C

CPU usage at max: peaked at 50C, dropped to 42C

CPU usage at max with external cooling: Also peaked 50C, but dropped immediately to 35C (later to 30C).

Well, I guess this is as far as you go with DIY cooler. Least it doesn't set your hands on fire anymore :P
(not like you'd get dry ice and alcohol here anyways. Otherwise could use that as some sort of a coolant? Get a square aquarium and submerge the whole damn thing in there xD *shrugs*)


As far as dreams go... they've been fairly boring. Certain things here there, but nothing worth actually writing down.

OBE is a no-no. It just doesn't want to work. -.-

Oh well. Sleepy time now.

Update of 5.07.2015

 Damn hot days, making me do stuff.
(a CPU fan running on 24V to cool my laptop. Nope. Hasn't burned through, but gets hot on a long run.)

I say it outdid itself. There are almost no airholes underneath the laptop. Not bad... not bad at all.

Days have gone the same way really. Nothing else to say.

Update of 4.07.2015

Nothing really has happened. Time really flying by. Kinda annoying, in fact.

Well, around 7 hours went on this:

Kinda fucked it up, but in overall, not too bad, I guess. Oh well.
Though, I did notice something after all that drawing. I could form a connection to solar plexus and hand. It immediately created the sensation of holding a pen and a state where it would be the most accurate. Nearly as in emotions flowed into my hand. Clearly a new sensation.

Dreams have been bizarre, but fun. I saw that I was singing with an old friend at an English class today. Haha, I would never usually do that, but the song was great. 3 minutes of singing. I loved it. xD

And 6 days.......... Oh god. That stupid day again. Everyone should just forget.

Update of 24.06.2015

Wow. Haven't had a lot of opportunities to write a log.

Well. Today, in the dream (I think it was a dream), I went OBE in a dream (soooo I made myself lucid? Hmm, i dunno). Did that 3 times. I might be actually capable of pulling it off in real life now. I still remember how it happened, so that's a good thing.

The "meeting" with the girl went just fine. In fact, too well I think. She keeps wanting to play games now.
Funny thing is, that we have so much in common. Like "wtf" much. Our families, personalities, likes are nearly identical.

So, we played Cry of Fear. She gets scared really easily, but, then there was this... <.<

And Portal 2 Coop

There is a weird thing I have noticed. It's not as if i'm looking with my eyes. It's as if i'm not in my own body anymore. It's as if i'm looking "at my body" rather "from my body". It's weird.

Also, as for delusions, I saw a huge (about the size of a fist) black butterfly flapping next to me. Had to move to the side for a second, since it seemed just weird.

Oh, and I love these. Takes it back to psiwheel days :P
http://9gag.com/gag/axG269L

Update of 18.06.2015

(Takes a deep breath) Helped someone, became friends, then really started to trust each other, both of us are shy and shared how our voices sound like (through a video). Even that made my heart feel like exploding. I can watch someone die right in front of my eyes and that was more nerve-wracking to me. And now she wants to play games with me. I don't know what to do. I haven't spoken to a female since childhood. Good god. Haven't ever felt this nervous before.

I'm developing some weird reaction towards light. The brighter it is, the more hazed my mind gets. It's as if I can't think then. Maybe i'm becoming a vampire. I sleep pretty long too. Well, that's a plus for me.

Nights have gone fairly sleepless. Had some usual random dreams.


Oh boy. This is gonna be awkward.

Final: Leaning girl

I'm done. F*cking done. 2 hours on hair and still can't get it to look like I want. Now i'm questioning how I have managed to do the other ones that well. Maybe the gradient wasn't intense enough? *shrugs*. Well, at least I got this far. Way further than with any other projects. But it took too much time. Need to rethink my approach on certain things.

I'm actually quite satisfied with the final result. The manga face somehow actually worked out in the end. But still. Waaaaay to much colors. Makes my head ache.

EDIT: The blogger viewer sucks. The normal is better. 

Update of 11.06.2015

A lot of delusions last night. I despise those long legged spiders. I know they are harmless, but I really dislike them. I'm unsure, if I actually saw one or not. I mean, I remember staring at it like "You ain't moving anywhere. You are gonna die". It was way over 30 seconds. When I went to get something, it was gone. Like never existed. Sat on the floor for 3 hours, playing guitar (since midnight), in hopes of spotting it. There were many 'jumps'. Like something clearly moved, yet it wasn't there. The time when I went to death (<-- wtf did i just write). *went to sleep, i had been awake for 16 hours. Who knows. Maybe i'm taking small steps towards schizophrenia. Not the first time when i feel being watched by inanimate things or having empathy towards them.

I remember lucid dreams. Something about a museum. Something about some sort of statues somewhere in Estonia. Me and some other people were going to these various rooms that were set up. Each room had different themes. We went to a cat-themed room. When I entered, i thought i had entered the wrong room somehow. Everyone was suited up and somehow really formal. I just stood there and listened to the speech that one gave. It was about pure-blooded cats. He explained how hard their lives are and for some reason, it made me wanna cry. When it was over, I sat down and spoke to a female person (I never initiate a conversation. Even that was weird to myself). Don't know why, but everything she said, made pure-blooded cats look exactly to normal ones. (shrugs). We had one hour left of time. Went to 'ahhaa'-themed room. Eh. It was a disappointment.

I remember places also points of time where I just watched the scenery. It was evening scenery with pink-purple-orange-red sky. 

My mind is quite hazy today. Head aches a bit.

Update of 10.06.2015

Well, I caught up with Noblesse last night. Now I've got nothing more to read, drawing it is.

Almost 9 hours of straight working. Stacking up the firewood. Can't say i'm tired, but the underneaths' of feet used to hurt quite the bit. Mind is hazy (physically below normal, so my mind takes the toll). But it's all OK now. Seems like most of the physical body has healed to it's normal.
The total size was 10 m3. Not sure what you call them in English, but in Estonian, it's called ruumimeetrit.

As for SAI's reverse engineering, I've made some progress, but can't quite still understand the flow of it's mechanism. Should most likely set breakpoints and see if I can follow it somehow.

Logically, don't exactly need the other two except 'Sai_Trial'. If I could send it down the correct path, it should sort itself out. If that doesn't work, probably gonna have to disable it.

I did examine the cracked exe, but it seemed bizarre. It just "push"ed 1 many times. Seemed weird... odd. Cannot understand how that works.

So. Few hours have passed. I took a look and the person who reversed it, had completely removed the code. Does seem to make sense because I tried following it and changing for multiple times, but caused a chain of errors. Should try jumping straight to the endpoint. Whatever route i took, only seemed to mess up the WindowTitle. Not sure if it had any effect on the licence. Probably not.

Eh... reversing is such a bummer.

Painting the 'leaning girl'... (sighs)

I despise my own painting skills. Like I said earlier, I can 'copy' others skills, but I cannot 'create' something new without full understanding. My 'style', is simply a combination of styles i've seen.
This meaning, I cannot fuse manga with what I currently have, especially the face. I've seen others drawings, but I cannot understand how.
(My learning process: External stimuli -> Reverse / break down -> Analyze -> Reconstruct)

And I have a tendency to use too much colors.

So, I gave up on the background.

(Flips table), fuck this. I'm not painting for a while again.

The life of a fucking perfectionist. (sighs)

Line-art: Leaning girl?

This finishes most of the line-art, though I am still unsure what the clothes will look like (which probably means I need to edit it). This is by far one of my most cleanest ones yet.

This alone took me 1.3h to 'finish'. Mainly getting the face proportions to look right (though the nose still annoys me a bit).

Color scheme:

Scarf: Red
Hair: Blond? Remains to be seen
Shirt & pants area: brownish or blueish, giving contrast to upper area.
Background: Something dark or abstract

Also, this is how I do guides for painting, but can't do any painting due to PS being an ass and crashing the graphics driver for who knows why. Probably some crap with Win 8 compatibility. And all that means that I have to restart to get it back working. Can't be bothered. I'd rather see if I can get The Witcher 1 working. Great game, but man, 3'rd is way too high spec'd. :(

Testing out SAI

Much MUCH better for line-art than PS, though lacks in painting capabilities. No worries. It's good that it supports PSD format, which basically allows me to jump back and forth between the two.

Something I did earlier (had to clean up a bit now, so took time :/ ):

It was supposed to be somewhat like "Noblesse"-style, but he's drawing style is quite unique. Eyes developed from rhombus and the drawings he makes are incredibly detailed for a manga, or should I say 'manwha' (korean comic, basically). Mine turned out somehow a mix of Fullmetal Alchemist and his.

So yeah, Sketch (PS) -> Line art (SAI) -> Shading (PS).

And I got to get rid of the stupid habit of using random lines to "generate" a complete imagination of the object. Way too messy and takes too long to clean up.

But without doubt, I'm taking leaps in learning to draw. Might as well keep going until I have the motivation.

Update of 3.06.2015

Was searching for a crack for SAI 1.2.0 for the past 4 hours. No luck. Could take a look with OllyDBG, but at this point, i'm too buzzed to do it.

Aside that, SAI seems like a great tool for line-work. Like seriously, you could get nowhere near that with Photoshop. In fact, I'm considering moving over to SAI, once I get the hang of the workflow.

Had to make a new ... I don't know what you can call it? I guess a "plank" will do. Don't exactly fancy the idea of laptop on lap without any ventilation. Anyways, had to give the damn "plank" a coating, so the laptop won't be running away, which of course rendered most of my day empty. Well, not that empty. I had the time to swear at the clouds for not bringing any thunder lol (even though, the clouds were very low in altitude and blue-ish. There were high altitude clouds as well, earth is fairly warm, so wtf?). Though, seems the coating was too thin and uneven. Probably going to sand it and recoat. More time for nonsensical stuff.

(Most of the time, while staring at the clouds, went something in the melody of Thunderstruck while in mind yelling "Thund'ah!" lol. This is exactly the reason I should, by all means, NOT be bored. :D )


Oh well. Time to hit the hay.

Testing out IOGraph

Wanted to try out IOGraph (software that follows and creates a map of mouse movements). Spent 45 minutes on this (Certainly an overkill):

... and my pattern recognition sees a damn pentagram in there. Though I have heard or seen something about using a pentagram as a human model. (shrugs).

Well. One thing is certain. I need to get a much better at creating straight and curved lines.

Update of 31.05 / Early morning of 1.06

Random burst of drawing hands today. Still can't get em' right. One time they are too wide, then too narrow, then not enough space for palm... grr. Also, the one on the right wasn't even supposed to come out like that, he-heh. I don't know how that even happened. Middle one is missing one finger and left one is just wrong somehow.

Last night, did some random explorin' in the deep web. My kind-of place. So much random information. Should be careful however. I did end up in the dark-net for a while. There's certainly some 'stuff' there. What makes me laugh, is the fact people are completely oblivious towards all of it.
Nonetheless, I have a good sense that there's some sort of information that might prove to be an interesting case for research (zero-point etc, and using "etc" because I have absolutely no idea what else to bring out, probably stuff like ORMUS).


Dreams have been varying from dark to normal. Last last night, i got taunted by my own desires, This time no one allowed me to jump up to the roofs of buildings and down. What a party boofer. I did it anyways lol.

... and we are currently getting hail here.

EDIT (1.06.2015):

So goddamn bored. also, I've suddenly got better at drawing hands. Last time I tried, I could only draw them from side or front, but now, I've forgotten how to draw eyes. (sighs), I should put some time into drawings, since now I can suddenly draw better for no apparent reason. Though the eye perspective is gonna be a b*tch.

Also, I curse my existence for not being capable of drawing. I mean, my father and grandmom were f*cking art geniuses. Grandmom was capable of drawing exact copy of something in one glance. Ehh, too bad I don't have to blood of an artist in my veins, though it does not matter. I can practically replicate others skills. Copy-cat skills FTW (too bad my motivation sits at 0 at all times).

(Screams internally for not being capable of drawing well)

Yeah. Remind me to never get bored. I do absolutely pointless crap.