I always lack 2 things. Confidence and self-esteem. Even if i pull something off, i feel like it was usual.
Today, (i can't specifically recall where the dream started but...) i was attempting to fly because the distance by walking would take too long. As usual, i started jumping and then smoothly levitated down. Soon enough i got the feeling of it, concentrated only on it and finally started flying! Tho the faster i wanted to go, the higher i went... and i don't really like the falling experiences. I successfully flew to my location (first time ever that it was flying, not really high jumps). There still was time so i jumped on top of a building and slowly levitated down several times because it was so much fun.
I finally proceeded inside where i met a girl. She wanted to have a contest with me since i was the only one who could do PK there. I can't remember the first part, but second one was PK miniature football. You had to move the goal and ball around. Of course, we each had our own ball. It was funny because we constantly kept running around the table with our balls and goals. I finally managed to score and that was it it seemed. I had won the contest. The price was Minecraft CD, which she really wanted. I gave it to her because i had no interest in it. Either way, i had already played it. Both of us were happy, so i guess this story ended well.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Stinging nettles
Strange electrifying feeling.
We got a ton of stinging needles (plant) here. They grow over 1m easily. I went to practice a little of sword art and then with a long iron ... string, attached to a wood piece and started slicing through then. Then standing on a hill (the degree was so high that i could barely stand without falling), trying to cut down some weird plants (which were darn strong. I couldn't cut through the lower part in one cut. At least 2 Precise cuts were needed. In doing so, i managed to fall into a field full of stinging needles... >.>
I hoped it to sting much worse but strangely, it didn't. All i can feel at the moment is this electrifying feeling where i got hit (that is sides of my legs and palms). Oddly, it's not so unpleasant. Quite similar to energy in fact.
We got a ton of stinging needles (plant) here. They grow over 1m easily. I went to practice a little of sword art and then with a long iron ... string, attached to a wood piece and started slicing through then. Then standing on a hill (the degree was so high that i could barely stand without falling), trying to cut down some weird plants (which were darn strong. I couldn't cut through the lower part in one cut. At least 2 Precise cuts were needed. In doing so, i managed to fall into a field full of stinging needles... >.>
I hoped it to sting much worse but strangely, it didn't. All i can feel at the moment is this electrifying feeling where i got hit (that is sides of my legs and palms). Oddly, it's not so unpleasant. Quite similar to energy in fact.
Darkness - Story of how i changed
Most people hate darkness, right? So did I. The reason for that is that i was always feeling followed, observed. And what's worse that i had bad control over myself.
The second thing i never could take was this "dead silence (and slow, repetitive moving objects)". I mean like it's completely silent. There's no sound at all as if nothing existed (and as if saying "Can't you remember? Try to remember!).
I could never tolerate either the darkness or the silence. Especially the darkness, because as a child, my imagination was uncontrollable, that it literally gave life to my emotions and imaginations.
Every night i had nightmares. Pretty much each night i sneaked near my mom & dad's bed, just to find comfort in her saying "monsters don't exist". But what's worse is that i never believed it. I just wanted to stay nearby someone, hoping he/she will protect me from them. They didn't. The nightmares only got worse by each night. I felt as i was breaking down. I lost my trust in others. Each night, when i awoke, i felt this presence. Someone watching. "Please, go away! What do you want from me?", I repeated in my mind until i was so tired that i couldn't think any more.
I started to sleep with cover over my head (and still do), because every time i didn't, i would instantly get nightmares, as if someone did forced them upon me.
After a while, my mind partially suppressed this wild imagination. I developed a way to end/start dreams at will. Simply forgetting and letting go. Even later, i grew fond of these nightmares. I became twisted. I never smiled again, since death only surrounded me. First, my cat leaves me, then my grandmother dies. I broke. I lost my fear for death. Lost my fear for these dreams. I wanted to experience that fear as if it was an addiction. To know that i still am alive.
Soon those dreams stopped. I had these dreams of being dragged to my corridor door to talk to someone. Each time i was dragged there, i was asked questions. Telling not to be scared, but how could i? I was paralyzed by it. One night, i broke the limits. I was dragged yet again. This was over 10-th time. I asked, "What do you want?" but i can't remember what he answered. He just said "Don't be afraid.". I said "Leave me alone." and then i didn't see these dreams for a while again.
A few years ago, i started having similar dreams. Falling into bottomless pit. Darkness surrounds and around you can hear deep voiced chants. Those parts were mixed into dreams. As simple as opening a closet cabinet and getting sucked it.
I never understood what it means... but i've come to like this fear, this darkness. Til' this day, in dark, i feel being followed. Observed, as if i were some kind of test subject. This is my twisted life story. This is who i became to be.
The second thing i never could take was this "dead silence (and slow, repetitive moving objects)". I mean like it's completely silent. There's no sound at all as if nothing existed (and as if saying "Can't you remember? Try to remember!).
I could never tolerate either the darkness or the silence. Especially the darkness, because as a child, my imagination was uncontrollable, that it literally gave life to my emotions and imaginations.
Every night i had nightmares. Pretty much each night i sneaked near my mom & dad's bed, just to find comfort in her saying "monsters don't exist". But what's worse is that i never believed it. I just wanted to stay nearby someone, hoping he/she will protect me from them. They didn't. The nightmares only got worse by each night. I felt as i was breaking down. I lost my trust in others. Each night, when i awoke, i felt this presence. Someone watching. "Please, go away! What do you want from me?", I repeated in my mind until i was so tired that i couldn't think any more.
I started to sleep with cover over my head (and still do), because every time i didn't, i would instantly get nightmares, as if someone did forced them upon me.
After a while, my mind partially suppressed this wild imagination. I developed a way to end/start dreams at will. Simply forgetting and letting go. Even later, i grew fond of these nightmares. I became twisted. I never smiled again, since death only surrounded me. First, my cat leaves me, then my grandmother dies. I broke. I lost my fear for death. Lost my fear for these dreams. I wanted to experience that fear as if it was an addiction. To know that i still am alive.
Soon those dreams stopped. I had these dreams of being dragged to my corridor door to talk to someone. Each time i was dragged there, i was asked questions. Telling not to be scared, but how could i? I was paralyzed by it. One night, i broke the limits. I was dragged yet again. This was over 10-th time. I asked, "What do you want?" but i can't remember what he answered. He just said "Don't be afraid.". I said "Leave me alone." and then i didn't see these dreams for a while again.
A few years ago, i started having similar dreams. Falling into bottomless pit. Darkness surrounds and around you can hear deep voiced chants. Those parts were mixed into dreams. As simple as opening a closet cabinet and getting sucked it.
I never understood what it means... but i've come to like this fear, this darkness. Til' this day, in dark, i feel being followed. Observed, as if i were some kind of test subject. This is my twisted life story. This is who i became to be.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Dream log: Bunch of nonsense again
I'm remembering parts of dreams again. Some of them make no sense at all.
Dream: Letting others fall
The dream itself was quite the much a jumble. It started off by going to some competition. There wasn't a lot people. It was about 16-17 July (pure guessing), it was evening with a beautiful vivid environment. The houses and things looked really aged. Some of them barely were holding up. I get a second vision of 3 children climbing houses. Then there's this girl who runs at me as if i were a long friend of hers, grabs my arm and starts pulling it to a near house. We climb up the house. I said that the platform looks REALLY unstable, that we shouldn't touch it. She ignores my warning and runs straight on it to jump up... the platform broke. She fell down and broke her arm. I really was thinking that she was dead because the height was nearly 2 floors high! From that point on, i can't remember.
Dream: Old classmates
The dreams environment or objects didn't serve no special meaning.
The dream took place at some sort of school. A new one. All of the former classmates came together. There was this party (i hate parties, since i can't express myself in any ways. I simply don't know how to act under these circumstances. I don't know how to smile, laugh, make others feel comfortable or any of that!). Then one of the classmates pushes my back and says :"Go on, you idiot. What's the point of sitting here?" I just walk a circle and that's it. I appreciate it, but i have no social skills. Plus, all that is a complete nonsense to me.
Dream: Letting others fall
The dream itself was quite the much a jumble. It started off by going to some competition. There wasn't a lot people. It was about 16-17 July (pure guessing), it was evening with a beautiful vivid environment. The houses and things looked really aged. Some of them barely were holding up. I get a second vision of 3 children climbing houses. Then there's this girl who runs at me as if i were a long friend of hers, grabs my arm and starts pulling it to a near house. We climb up the house. I said that the platform looks REALLY unstable, that we shouldn't touch it. She ignores my warning and runs straight on it to jump up... the platform broke. She fell down and broke her arm. I really was thinking that she was dead because the height was nearly 2 floors high! From that point on, i can't remember.
Dream: Old classmates
The dreams environment or objects didn't serve no special meaning.
The dream took place at some sort of school. A new one. All of the former classmates came together. There was this party (i hate parties, since i can't express myself in any ways. I simply don't know how to act under these circumstances. I don't know how to smile, laugh, make others feel comfortable or any of that!). Then one of the classmates pushes my back and says :"Go on, you idiot. What's the point of sitting here?" I just walk a circle and that's it. I appreciate it, but i have no social skills. Plus, all that is a complete nonsense to me.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Philosopher's Stone - First attempt - Constantly updated
| Day | Date | Notes? | Weather |
|---|---|---|---|
3
|
26.06.2013
|
Formation of white substance (ammonium nitrate), no sign of oil yet.
|
Heat: 24 - 30C; Humidity: 40-70%, no rain.
|
4
|
27.06.2013
|
White substance is on the bottom of the jar. There's a very small layer of oil developing.
|
Heat: 20- 24C Humidity: 70-90%, slight rain. |
5
|
28.06.2013
|
Has started smelling horribly. Liquid decreased approx 3mm
|
Heat:18-23C
Humidity: 30-40%, no rain. |
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