This is the second night where i experience negative emotions at their fullest. Yesterday, i couldn't sleep for 2 hours due to worrying (you know when you watch a bright object, you get this spot where you can't see things very well? About that. It lasted around 2 hours). The whole time i felt like throwing up or rather accepting death. The whole morning i spend time restoring my right eye just because of that (it didn't function like it should have).
It's a real pain in the ass. Even now, thinking about it, causes me great worry (which would never do so... normally).
If this keeps going for long time, i will end up at an asylum. At times like this, i wish i could rip out the source of the problem (that is solar plexus chakra). But in a good way, i guess it's a good way to train thought and emotion control.
Each day manages to always bring something negative, but where's positive? Nowhere to be seen or felt. In these days, i can only rely on my memories of hugging an unknown friend, whom only exists in my dreams.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dream: Ghosts
I think i finally understood why ghosts (not all) are so angry with us.
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
OBE: The noise... the unbearable noise! (19.02.2014)
This evening (around 6), i was so tired, i decided to take a quick nap. Woke up around 9. Too hot, heart racing like hell (i was sleeping with clothes). I didn't really care and suppressed the feeling and closed my eyes. The next thing i know, is that I'm sucked into an OBE state. I thought "well, it can't be that bad. If I'm already here, i might as well try".
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
- "Falling into an endless pit" (from the dreams of my childhood)
- Stabilizing the state, "feeding" other senses in.
- Attempting to actually move or send my consciousness into another location.
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Update of 18.02.2014
Last night, i had fun RV-ing places (just some random ones). No OBE, just RV and not even that too strong. Still, an interesting sensation.
Had some longer than usual dreams. Remember, most of them.
I noticed something quite interesting at school. It was history class and i was kinda blocked out into another world (attempting auric sight etc) when i notice how the seemingly random pattern on the table, had lots of schematics, writings, pictures etc. Everytime i looked, it changed. All i did was concentrate and filter out bright spots and lines (so i would only see them). Perhaps i just wanted to see that, but who knows. Maybe (probably) random isn't all that random.
Most of the school days pass by the same way. I either try to sleep in class (teachers won't bother me anyways, i usually sit in the front desk too. I'm pretty much a ghost unless i want myself seen)
Also, been wondering about the lines that appear in this reality. Quite similar to "Kara no Kyoukai"s ones (If you still haven't seen Kara No Kyoukai movie series, WTF are you waiting for??).
The difference is, they aren't straight. They are jagged and curvy. Some brighter at where they cross, some not.
Here's some of the images that i took once when i watched the movie series (there is an anime series called "Tsukihime" which takes part in another universe). ... I think i'm gonna rewatch Kara no Kyoukai series.
http://imgur.com/P2Dk6Tg
http://imgur.com/bcjIEpH
http://imgur.com/LVAA91j
Had some longer than usual dreams. Remember, most of them.
I noticed something quite interesting at school. It was history class and i was kinda blocked out into another world (attempting auric sight etc) when i notice how the seemingly random pattern on the table, had lots of schematics, writings, pictures etc. Everytime i looked, it changed. All i did was concentrate and filter out bright spots and lines (so i would only see them). Perhaps i just wanted to see that, but who knows. Maybe (probably) random isn't all that random.
Most of the school days pass by the same way. I either try to sleep in class (teachers won't bother me anyways, i usually sit in the front desk too. I'm pretty much a ghost unless i want myself seen)
Also, been wondering about the lines that appear in this reality. Quite similar to "Kara no Kyoukai"s ones (If you still haven't seen Kara No Kyoukai movie series, WTF are you waiting for??).
The difference is, they aren't straight. They are jagged and curvy. Some brighter at where they cross, some not.
Here's some of the images that i took once when i watched the movie series (there is an anime series called "Tsukihime" which takes part in another universe). ... I think i'm gonna rewatch Kara no Kyoukai series.
http://imgur.com/P2Dk6Tg
http://imgur.com/bcjIEpH
http://imgur.com/LVAA91j
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Update of 15.02.2014
Didn't make it to the PC yesterday... was too occupied with OBE.
While attempting OBE, i started to experience odd sensation. It felt like something was moving in my legs (later in hands too. It felt as there were snakes under my skin. This occurred physically, it was not mental, but it was partially fed by attention). After experiencing, it led to numbness. It would repeat the same process when the numbness would be disturbed. I guess the sensation would be quite similar to the sensation of a cramp, but without it actually going into the stage.
Funny thing was, when i was attempting OBE, my dad's leg went into a cramp and i could hear him moan in pain. I couldn't but laugh at it (i even do now, i *sorta* hate him. You can leave the word in "*" out. And the reason is because he is an ego-freak. Always thinks himself to be higher than others, gets furious at even he slightest things). xD
After that, i descended into deep trance and was able to see rather clearly through my eye lids. Nothing more happened after it.
Apart from this, my head has been aching. Not sure what's the problem... neck muscles seem ok, energy flow... ok. Hmmm....
Had another dream which i cannot remember... something to do with death again.
Watched an anime called "Dante's Inferno" (i've never read the book, nor have played the game). I guess it had a fair storyline.
...
And made this for valentine for less than 2 hours... started too late, had no time to model (nor do UV mapping) more stuff so i rendered it with transparency and took an HDR scenery and put it as background (blurred it, used leveling and b&w filter). You can even see the blackness around the vase where i said "fuck it. I'm done" (got tired of the mistakes and left as it was).
While attempting OBE, i started to experience odd sensation. It felt like something was moving in my legs (later in hands too. It felt as there were snakes under my skin. This occurred physically, it was not mental, but it was partially fed by attention). After experiencing, it led to numbness. It would repeat the same process when the numbness would be disturbed. I guess the sensation would be quite similar to the sensation of a cramp, but without it actually going into the stage.
Funny thing was, when i was attempting OBE, my dad's leg went into a cramp and i could hear him moan in pain. I couldn't but laugh at it (i even do now, i *sorta* hate him. You can leave the word in "*" out. And the reason is because he is an ego-freak. Always thinks himself to be higher than others, gets furious at even he slightest things). xD
After that, i descended into deep trance and was able to see rather clearly through my eye lids. Nothing more happened after it.
Apart from this, my head has been aching. Not sure what's the problem... neck muscles seem ok, energy flow... ok. Hmmm....
Had another dream which i cannot remember... something to do with death again.
Watched an anime called "Dante's Inferno" (i've never read the book, nor have played the game). I guess it had a fair storyline.
...
And made this for valentine for less than 2 hours... started too late, had no time to model (nor do UV mapping) more stuff so i rendered it with transparency and took an HDR scenery and put it as background (blurred it, used leveling and b&w filter). You can even see the blackness around the vase where i said "fuck it. I'm done" (got tired of the mistakes and left as it was).
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