Update of 28.08.2014

Nothing much has happened, except from gaming with handicapped friend. Due to the same reason, i haven't been able record more Call of Cthulhu.

I did copy-draw of Hajime from Hamatora (Re:_ series) out of boredom.
(I have nothing to after 17:00, so i either watch anime, read manga, draw or 'invent' stuff).

Nothing much to say about dreaming. Same old, same old.

Update of 23.08.2014

Delivery maaaan! You are grinding my gears. I swear, if you haven't delivered the package by monday, I WILL call the boss and potentially get you in a lot of trouble. You had plenty of time. You made your own rules, which i was generous enough to follow, AND you filed a false report. Don't test my patience. All there is, is dust in the bottom of the jar, and that is about to run out as well.

Prolonged sleep for too long, head aches. Let's see -- I levitated, used PK to make things fly around and made a volcano erupt, brought gales of wind, and attempted to make lightning, which failed. There was something to do with a elevator, not sure what. Something about swimming too. Also, i noticed a different side of myself. When i spoke to my neighbor about how she has changed (mainly in a negative way), she replied with the same. That I don't care of anyone anymore,  to which i replied with "I guess, that's true. People change, don't they? I could say the similar to you. I liked the old you, but all that now you are, just reminisces the old one. A sad excuse for a change". Ouch. I said all that like i was sipping a cup of coffee on a friday's evening (eg. like it was nothing, completely naturally). I can't do that usually, unless i REALLY know someone.
Though, i did meet another Psion. He accelerated the movement of clouds. It was like the clouds started sailing. It was awesome.

Questions, and no answers. (20.08.2014)

Many drafts, many emotions put into them. Discarded. Gone unheard.

As i was reading 'Bible of the Undead', variety of emotions popped up. One point, i wanted to drop the book. Then it got interesting, then it again got boring.

What is the only thing I CAN'T STAND, is being oblivious of other possibilities. You can't go around and say:" Hey, discard anything that you knew before. Here. You now follow this -- This is truth". There is no single truth. There are no such things as 'truth' and 'false', 'good' and 'bad'.

Another thing that constantly annoyed me was the word 'God'. Anything's better than that! Call it, for example 'mother', due to mom/child (universe/soul) alike relationship. The word itself already sounds different, unlike 'God'.

I actually remember a faint memory of what he spoke of.

"You will hear a gentle sound almost below the level of awareness not unlike tiny wavelets upon a beach at night, soothing like a true Aeolian harp, like Chinese wind bells, cheering, exciting. You will not be afraid. You will not be alone, but sheltered, protected and cared for as you were in your mother's womb. You will be aware of an effulgence of love surrounding and being a part of your very being so great, that you will find yourself saying the ultimate of prayers, gratitude to the Being of whom you are integral part".
I remember floating above earth. It felt like someone had her arms wrapped around me from behind. A "thank you" from the heart and that's it. I cannot remember anything besides that.

STILL. I will not take likely the fact that i'm being used as a toy by someone. I will get to the bottom of this.

Lets see of what i dreamt of today?... I had my stomach cut open, so i sewed it together, something about powers, a dream where i was sleeping and a bat flew in from the window, startled me awake, and a lot more.

Yeah, i'm not gonna read Bible of the Undead until the clashing emotions have calmed down. Until i can concentrate with no emotion.

Update of 17.08.2014

Bored as hell, started thinking up stuff. 3D mics (Instead of one mic, there's numerous cylindrical ones [8], outputs each as track, in my case, 8 of them, should work with USB), improving the tinnitus cure and other stuff. Meh. Nothing great at all, and still bored.

Nothing interesting going on at all... Nope. Nothing at al.

Dream log: "I don't need eyes to see you"

In the dream, i closed my eyes and looked with remote view from my own perspective. I was sorta sleeping next to a highway road (Ieven had a blanket! i was really sleepy, gimme a break lol). As cars and people pass by, at some point, i start to see things. I already knew what was going on, so i stood up and managed to maintain the RV.
There were people who went "You blind man?" and i would just go "I don't need eyes to see. I clearly can see that you have purple hair (don't question it :D ) and a long face, and then just walk away. xD
There was another dude who teached me some stuff (related to PK) that i cannot remember. Well, levitation is easy. Flying is just a projection of a feeling that generates the effect. For example, getting lighter, moving to sides. I don't know why, but i can do anything related to PK or impossible naturally in dreams, yet I fail harder than anyone else in reality.

Another interesting thing. The RV actually causes one to extend a dream atleast twice it's length and to remember things more clearly opposed to regular sight. Don't know what logic (makes more conscious?) it follows, but hey, double the fun!

Update of 14.08.2014

[A draft from yesterday's evening]

Hide/Reveal

I don't know know why, but i feel lost again. Who am I? What am I? Why? Frequently, a picture pops up. It's me at a psychic. We sit each at the opposite end of a round table. She has her eyes closed while I stare with a blank emotion, while my soul is half out of my body, attempting to grasp the sky. Then she opens her eyes and looks with a mortified face.

This reality is driving me insane. Stupid box, let me out!

See? This is what i mean by split-personality. I feel as i want to rip my heart out. All of this god damn suffering. Yet then, i wouldn't be myself anymore. I would be empty.

The hit from yesterday's evening still lasts. What's worse, is that i watched yesterday the russian extra senses (psychics). I feel so helpless, yet continue to admire such people. I feel envious.
This has really gone far. Now, i'm willing to give my whole being for IT.

I had a dream, where i folded a piece of foil with PK, but it didn't feel like PK. It just happened as i wanted (there was a short delay, though). I didn't feel the object, absolutely no connection. Just pure will.
The dream felt somewhat strange. It was lucid, and at the same time, not.

Update of 13.08.2014

I think i saw some version of Sussch in my dreams today. Something to do with a motor. He left it on for too long at it sorta flew at us while we hid behind a cupboard lol. Dunno. It was sorta plain dream. Just when i thought i would make a plane crash (at me), the goddamn alarm goes off. Grr. You won this round, alarm.
The dream Sussch didn't match this Sussch. The personality was kinda strange. Kinda boss-y like. Oh well.

Yesterday night, I played guitar. Again, 00:00. It always falls on that time.
When i plugged everything in, there was strange noise. It was as if someone was whispering something, but the background noise was too big. Tried moving the cable around. Nothing. Turned volume up and down and then it was gone. Odd.

I've come to the conclusion that I have some sort of split personality with bi-polarity case. As my mood changes, my personality changes tremendously. When i play games, i'm totally outgoing because it's fun. When PK related stuff, i become grumpy (since no emotion and thought, and any disturbance only adds fuel to the fire). Sometimes, even the tiniest things set me off. Especially if the case is hatred, I become to fear myself. Take a gruesome psychopath out of a movie or anime, and that's what you got. I'm not afraid of becoming it, but the fact that I enjoy it and cannot control it.


I'm gonna end this post with a song with a great melody and lyrics (though, needs more growls):
Soulfallen - We are the sand

Insanity

Personally, I like everything that's different. Everyday crap bores me.
Once (few years ago), i found an anime called 'HIgurashi no naku koro ni'. It totally blew my mind, and still does. The intensity of this anime is just amazing, but what is even better, is the 'insanity'. The character actually creep you out.
By far, this is the only anime that comes close to defining 'insanity', so DO NOT watch it if you can't stand blood (i mean it).

(I guess, you could call it a trash-y day.)

These scenes are nothing compared to the later ones (for example ripping off fingernails).

I love these kinds of anime, i don't know why. :)

Update of 8.08.2014

There's a nice red-ish moon tonight, but by now, it has set. From the other side, there's lightning atop the clouds.

This morning wasn't that great. I went to sleep at around 3 in the morning, then got woken by the delivery guy at 7:30. He wasn't supposed to arrive that early. In half-sleep, i threw on some clothes and mindlessly rushed to where he dropped the package off. He left it at a nearby shop. Wasn't sure where exactly, i run around like an idiot. Decided to run back home, in hopes that dad hasn't yet left and locked the door (i didn't take the key or phone). I was lucky... in more than one sense.

The package was actually my handicapped classmate's laptop ( he learns IT... the irony).
Since not knowing practically anything of Win 8, i just randomly did stuff.

What surprised me was that Win 8  has a feature called "reset PC", that 'resets', as if it were to run the first time. Saved me tons of time.

After software and other stuff, i spoke with him. Something amused me what he said. He said that a graduate (whom we played SWAT 4 CO-OP with) called and was angry, that he sent it to me, WHILE i recall the fact, that he himself denied to fix it. ... People these days.

Apart from messing with Win8, there was something strange. I was sitting on a couch (the cupboard glass reflects the image that,s on the computer), and just before mom started doing anything, from the reflection, i saw fiery-ring on a dark-red background. It was only for a split-second, but damn... That's some crazy stuff.

Let's Play: A row of failures

So, i started doing a Let's Play.

First time: Voice not audible.
Second time: Game crash, lose all video footage (1:33 h).
Third & fourth : Forgot to record audio.
Fifth time: Forgot to record video (Recording cancelled due to Alt+TAB).

Decided to stop for today. Also, audio recording seems to have 'jumps' in it. Does not match with video. Gonna try Audacity tomorrow.
All of the times, the length of the time was around 45min (except for 2-nd). At the end of it, I was so frustrated that i couldn't even speak of anything. Not to mention dying  every 30 seconds. (Sighs)...

But it's not all bad! I have got better at controlling my voice. It's clearer, yet still not enough. I'm not putting enough energy and emotion into it.

Bah, i;ll try again tomorrow.

Family, eh?

I never really liked this family. I feel... different, as not from here. One behaves as if he's a god, the other one is simply lets herself be used as an object. Now, at evening, we had acquaintances over again. The one with a child, who keeps annoying me. At a point, this happened:

"Dad" : (from living room -- It's next to my room) "Go give the ball to the boy".
The boy stands at the doorway. I ignore. Then dad comes.
Dad: "He probably can't lift that ball"
Me: "I simply don't have time to deal with you"
Dad: "He's probably scared"
Me: "No. I HATE kids."
Dad: "Then how are you gonna manage, if you have kids?"
Me: "I simply won't have any."
Slight time passes.
Dad: (from doorway) "You know, we used to hate you as a kid, too"
Me: (immediately,without slightest hesitation) "Good to know."

I really don't care, since they don't qualify as a 'family' to me. My handicapped classmate is closer to a family than they'll ever be. I couldn't really give a crap, since the people from dreams are my true family.
The times when i think I've somehow been born in a wrong reality, increases. I want someone to take me far away from this place... or disappear completely.

(Sure, mom can be a pain in the rear, but she somewhat qualifies under 'family'.)

(Sighs). These days it seems, as if strangers are the closest to what you could call a family.


[I don't exactly hate kids. If i were to compare anime children with real children, the only difference would be behaviour and personality. I simply just cannot stand the noise and annoying stuff. Especially the fact, how they are treated 'unique' and then, one day, just forgotten. This place is broken.]

Dream log: I don't like falling...

I cannot remember the whole dream, just a climpse of it.

Starting from where I remember:
There was five of us. If I remember correctly, there was three males and two females. The environment, where it all took place was very dreamy/OBE-ish.
We were standing on a floating island and had to free fall from one to another. I crawl near the edge and look down.... crap. No visible bottom, all i could see was light (white-ness, above as well). I quickly crawl away from the edge, since i really hate the first part of falling (that feeling, after it, is fine). Everyone was like: "Hey, let's glide over to that island" and then two of them went. I was like "Nope. I haven't done this for ages!", yet i knew, if i don't do it, i'll be left behind. Another guy in a relaxed and high (higher than average males) pitched voice grabs my hand and says:" Don't worry. I used to hate it as well." and starts running while dragging me behind. I was like: "No... no.... I don't wanna..... Not again...", yet i did not reject it either. As we neared the edge, we jump. I tried my best not to close my eyes, yet still did.

And that's the end of the dream.

I hate falling. I really do. It's like a fobia from childhood (from times where all i had, were nightmares and falling dreams). It's not that i'm afraid of dying or heights, just that goddamn feeling.

//

Later, when watching 'Reporter' from Channel 2: Sky-diving. Mom: (Watches at me) "You'd probably do it, wouldn't you?" Me: " ... I already did ... In a dream ... It wasn't great at all ... ".