Update of 28.03.2014

It's my mom's birthday. I hate birthdays. Way too much people, way too much noise. But it's ok for as long as i don't have to step out of my room or anybody coming to bother me.

I hate birthdays because i think it's more like saying "Good job. You successfully managed to live another year". Not to mention them being utterly pointless.

Physics teacher took up the conversation about the Estcube-1 i talked about (yup, even told a little about what Sussch and the others do (I kinda pointed at you when i wrote the short ... thingy). Don't go think i'm not reading your posts or am not informed of what's going on (maybe not everything, but fairly much). ;)
When they asked how i know you it took quite the while to come up with a good answer since i didn't want to refer to 'you-know-what' stuff. So i said "We sorta have common interests".

There's been a few weird things going on. The LCD tv we have, is always crackling when i'm going to PC. Some sort of discharge?
Sitting at the kitchen, flurocent light on, something shadowy drops to the right and right after it you could hear scratching sound from the light. Mom was there and she was curious as well.

Watched sone weird anime about love triangle. I felt really disgusted and mortified. Lets call em male1 and male2. And there was this girl. This girl was a couple with male1 but was a sex-mate with male2. Male1 was spying on what she was doing and found out. He didn't do anything. Also, the girl never loved him so the male1 simply decides to keep acting.
I felt really sick and closed the tab. I even cleared history...now i can't remember what it was called. Either way, i think this kind of thing is more painful than simply told straight to the face that 'i don't like you, sorry'. That's not even painful... i don't even have words to describe how awful it is. I don't know why, but it seriously inflicted some real damage to me (guess it's like saying "you'll never get your loved one").

Was thinking of drawing a life-size anime character on the wall.

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(23:22)

Watched Kara no kyoukai's first movie again. I just love their intro song.
It's funny, that most people don't have an idea what this anime movie is about. Knowing that somehow leaves me... empty. Sad. Alone.

I'm now certain that the depression is caused by something i'm not supposed to know/remember. With certain external stimuli combination, i keep remembering bits of places i never knew of. It's like cracking a code without actually cracking it. You let it be cracked. Even though i only get a picture or the sensation for a brief moment, it's enough to do collateral damage to my mood. I'm writing this because i'm experiencing.

Combination: Smells of other people + Above song
Picture: An old house in the middle of nowhere, on top of a small hill. Green grass with golden sunshine. The house is made of wood. Inside lives no one, but was habited by an old woman. Completely alone. Waiting for something. Inside i see old cupboard, covered in dust. There lies a rocking chair to the left of it. Golden light shines in from the right, illuminating with it's rays, as if she is still sitting there... waiting, with sad eyes that stare into the nothingness.

(The "depression" has got weaker, but is still there. Total mood kill. But somehow, i feel as i've known her)

Deja vu's. Deja vu's everywhere.

(Grinds teeth) This annoying feeling when you know what's going to happen, but not know what's going to happen. Any kind of outer stimuli seems to recall certain memory. Usually, these are bits of future. This has started happening too often. It's nearly as someone sends these bits to unconscious me, then pokes me with a stick to see if i will recall em. -.-

They usually are random moments from my life. School, anime (the most frequent of em all), outside, talk etc.
Right now when i saw the youtube's video thumbnail on Sussch'es post, i got a quick memory of being in the kitchen, golden sunlight coming in from the window (sunset), with family and said something important. I remembered for a brief moment, but now i can't figure out what. ... Menduksee (annoying)... -_-

Time confusion + more light visions

From time to time, i mistake day for night and night for day. I am a night person. I like that it's quiet and relaxing then. Nobody (well, bigger part of humanity) isn't capable of seeing or sensing then (they aren't even when it's light. You can totally hide in plain sight).
I don't go out at all because i got no friends nor need to. The only exception is when i want to do something (invent, experiment or just practice).

Sometimes i do something and think it's day-time (as if it is bright outside), and it feels like one, but actually is night. And sometimes the reverse. It's really confusing. Sometimes time seems to be so long, sometimes mere hours vanish into thin air.

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Still. Movement = Light. No matter what sort of movement it is, it creates light. For example, cat moving.

But that's not the point. Sometimes, this light is created when there is no physical object. The latest is cat jumping down from window and walks away.
Mostly they have been animals, but human like forms have as well caught my sight. These visions seem to be repetitive.

Memories, perhaps?