Unlimited dreaming: Activated.

I lost the count of the dreams i had. Over 20 for sure, but nothing interesting.

There are days when i just take the majority of the day off and sleep (which usually leads to my mom thinking i'm dead lol). The reason i do it, is to get my energy levels to as high as possible. Also, it's a great way to train for lucid dreaming and awareness in overall.

The dreams are usually rather short, which is great. You try keeping your mind awake, if you fail, no worries. they only last around 10-30 min (that is in physical reality time, way shorter in dream reality), and back to another one you go with the same intention. At some point, your mind will adapt to your needs and will do as you want.

I've heard many people they cannot re-enter the dream state. Their problem relies in their will and concentration. They think they cannot, thus' can't.

(2 unpublished posts. Not sure if i will ever publish em.)

Curse this low self-esteem of mine

I cannot find something that interests me. What people usually find something interesting, it is when it goes past the limits of one's beliefs, but i just go like "Meh, normal.". Not to mention, even if i do something that i have never done, it feels normal. I don't get this good feeling out of it. it's like all of the experience is already locked behind somewhere. *Sighs*.

Music. Music, music, music. Seems to be the only thing that can keep my motivation up. Well, except for dreams.

2 days free. How wonderful. The week after next week (3.02) is free. Just great. I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I really do think it's great. And what's even greater, is that i can do whatever i want in computer lessons (since they never have anything new to teach. Teachers have tried to catch me off guard, they've failed. Every one of them. So they don't bother me lol. Blenderin' full week next week. Yay, lol.)

Ugh. Cannot remember any dreams. I took a nap from 19:00 to 22:00. Nada. Then again, it's nice to, for once, just rest.

Been watching Bleach. I think the 'spirit threads' was pretty interesting concept. Visualizing energy, filtrating out one's energy and following it.

Not more much to write. Another worthless post by me. Oh well.

Something's calling.

Sunset. Golden light shining through the window and listening to Godsmack's "Moon baby". I want to reach towards it. Grab it. Thoughts about Sussch's uncle keep popping up in my mind. I feel so helpless. I WANT to do something, but it just doesn't work. Be it OBE or RV, i get blocked out. Try sending energy, i cannot find him, try calling out to him, nothing. I may have weak abilities, but i want to at least do something, instead of sitting here, doing nothing. It's yet another thing that makes me sad. Depressed.

Yesterday, staring into the night, hoping something will come. It's calling. Something's out there. Whenever i concentrate on the nature and inside myself, they resonate at certain point. I can feel something is there. Now, at 15:33:23, it's like a slap across the face.

This has been happening for years now. Something's out there, calling.

Haven't been able to sleep or remember dreams fully. No point of writing down the dreams either.

A song and a random update

Since i wrote so much nonsense... CTRL + A, Backspace.
The depression's coming again.... maybe 'coming' is a wrong word. Maybe the whole sentence is wrong. Maybe it isn't coming, maybe it always is, i just simply sense it when my mood fails.

Anyways, off with that, let it come if it wants.


This is why i love melodeath creators. When they make slow songs, they are beautiful. You don't hear such songs everyday. anymore. This is what you call a masterpiece.


Before The Dawn - Deliverance

Thinking (10.01.2014)

I came up with an idea to "program" reality checks without doing them completely consciously. Usually, you have to keep doing them to make them part of your everyday life.

What if you were to find a "bind action" in your everyday life? A link, that binds most memories and events?
To me, it would be sitting in my touchpad.
Now, i would need some sort of stimulation in order for it to take effect. It would be visual stimulation for me. A picture. "Remember".
This would be great, but it's too less. I need something for it to act as a "shortcut" to that certain word, the meaning, the action. A symbol will act as it.

What happens:
You -> Actions (what you do normally);
Subconscious -> Action -> Subconscious message (image + symbol) -> Subconscious action ("Remember" -> What? -> Action + Following action Until action is forgotten) -> Back to 'You'

If you know something about programming, you know, that it would act as a loophole that generates lots of "links" to each other.
And lots of links between memories = Improved "right-now" awareness

(And if you have lots of links to memories, it generates even more. Just like the picture -><- symbol one.)

The message can be anything really. "Stop smoking", "Be happy" and so on.
Same applies to form of stimulation.


Also, this is where the schools fail to actually teach people. They force people to think one thing over and over. It's wrong. All you actually do, is force them to memorize the pattern where something is located. And what happens when you remove a piece of code from a program? It doesn't know where something is located, or completely fails! This is why the system is simply retarded.
If you pay attention to how people truly learn, it's trough fun. Why do children learn faster than adults? Fun. It's fun to them. They think "If it's fun, then it's easy", thus' removing any unneccesary mind blockades.

---

A fellow company's worker just showed me cameras that were placed in the cars. Online cameras... yeah. And then you expect us not to be paranoid.
I think he's from... uhh, i don't know the english one for this... "Maksu- ja tolli"... sumthin-something. Not sure lol.

Update of 9.01.2014

I've been getting weird cramps. In lower left leg. I get one, it passes, comes the sensation and it does it again. 3 times straight last evening. At first, i thought i was somehow influencing it with awareness (probably somewhat was), but the sensation remained.
It feels like really, really condensed energy. Like getting 230V from a wall outlet. It keeps pulsing silently. Feels like electricity is flowing through your leg.

I attempted many things. Massaging it, circulating energy etc. Nothing. It mostly passed when i tried doing a split and staying in that position.

Also, simply overflowing energy thoughout and outside body seems to cause the same effect. Wonder if it's a subconscious construct?


Saw something that was related to the sons of "Edgar Allen Poe". "7 sons" or something. Never have read any of his works though.

Some infamous sad songs

Anime songs can be awesome. Especially the sad ones. They have such deep lyrics to them that it sends chills through your spine. And even if they don't have lyrics, their amazing music brings tears to your eyes. It's like the creator has poured it's soul into it.


Egoist - Euterpe
One of my favorites. 'Nuff said.

Gintama - Madao
Even though it has no vocals, it has nice tune to it.

Elfen Lied - 'Lilium' (Piano cover)
This one doesn't even need to be said anything.

Naruto - Sadness and Sorrow
Well, who can forget this infamous masterpiece? Pretty much anyone who knows something of anime, knows this soundtrack.

Fullmetal Alchemist - Lullaby of Resembool
FMA was and is one of my alltime favorite animes, since non other has been EVER come as close to "it" as they had. Too bad their story was set in stone. Wish they would continue the story from Alphonse.

A long night of retrials

I managed to partially pull off an OBE. It took many hours, but it's ok since i went to sleep since i got home (around 5 pm). Most of them were just sleepless hours, but i'm glad i made progress.

It happened again. I lost all control over my body. It felt as something "sucked" me into that state. I got a bit scared since i thought i might meet aliens (lol). Quickly erased that thought and then thought:"What should i do then?? Oh, i'll search for Sussch's uncle!". Then i'm not sure what happened. When i tried to gain sight of where i am, i just couldn't, and the thought of calling him just didn't come to my mind. All i could hear, was this sound of a engine. It got louder and louder, until i nearly woke up. I thought "Well, i guess i cannot do this... how about i visit someone from my imagination?". Same result. Wonder why?

I woke up since i was sleeping on the side. It was hurting a bit.
I attempted to re-enter that state.I failed. But i do remember something... partially. "Time is inrelative". I cannot quite understand what that means. I do know Einstein's famous quote that he claims time to be relative, but who and why did someone say this?

The whole night since 1am past by tryiing again. "Body fall asleep, erase thoughts, remain awake." "When connection to body is nearly lost, raise awareness to mind body."

I did see a cool random dream about pk too in the morning too, but it's nothing worth writing about.

---

Edit (16:13): I remember a weird sensation in my leg too. The leg was like getting electrocuted... that kind of twitchy feeling.

Also, i remembered another dream i had.

Wanted to also write that i had been experiencing light pulsing in the dark. I mean like when you watch one of thouse old CRT monitors and you see the refresh rate. I'd say it's around 60 hertz. Didn't find no android tool to recreate the effect.
Meanwhile the effect lasted, there was a moving shadow (which made me go "Oh hell naw!" :P )

Happy New Year, i guess?

Another year gone.

I've became a real ghost. How many people i wished new year? None... well, some came to me and then i had no choice to do the same. 3 people in total (out of who knows how much? 11? More?).

With another year gone, the pain grew stronger again. I still cannot understand what this pain is, but i have made progress. It seems to be connected to 3 things: Missing someone, the night sky and Doctor Who's Fourth series ending soundtrack (especially the point where choir goes from pitch scale to 6---5-4-3--3---3-5-4-2-3-1--- >>> 6-----5678-5-4-2-6-5---- <<<. That's around 2:21)

I don't know why, but now i remembered, that once i had a dream of a woman falling off a cliff and accidentally assigned a wrong soundtrack. The moment i heard it, i was 100% sure, this is it (i believe, it was from Elfen Lied?)

The thing is, how can i know something, without never having heard it. This dream was who knows how long ago, and i had no idea of Doctor Who then.


Well, either way, it's starting to get more difficult to keep this at bay. I SERIOUSLY need to go to a hypnotherapist and find out, what exactly is going on.

(Mom just says that it's "black days". They don't come this often and at this amplitude. Also, thinks that i won't open up to them. That's plausible.)