Update of 28.03.2014

It's my mom's birthday. I hate birthdays. Way too much people, way too much noise. But it's ok for as long as i don't have to step out of my room or anybody coming to bother me.

I hate birthdays because i think it's more like saying "Good job. You successfully managed to live another year". Not to mention them being utterly pointless.

Physics teacher took up the conversation about the Estcube-1 i talked about (yup, even told a little about what Sussch and the others do (I kinda pointed at you when i wrote the short ... thingy). Don't go think i'm not reading your posts or am not informed of what's going on (maybe not everything, but fairly much). ;)
When they asked how i know you it took quite the while to come up with a good answer since i didn't want to refer to 'you-know-what' stuff. So i said "We sorta have common interests".

There's been a few weird things going on. The LCD tv we have, is always crackling when i'm going to PC. Some sort of discharge?
Sitting at the kitchen, flurocent light on, something shadowy drops to the right and right after it you could hear scratching sound from the light. Mom was there and she was curious as well.

Watched sone weird anime about love triangle. I felt really disgusted and mortified. Lets call em male1 and male2. And there was this girl. This girl was a couple with male1 but was a sex-mate with male2. Male1 was spying on what she was doing and found out. He didn't do anything. Also, the girl never loved him so the male1 simply decides to keep acting.
I felt really sick and closed the tab. I even cleared history...now i can't remember what it was called. Either way, i think this kind of thing is more painful than simply told straight to the face that 'i don't like you, sorry'. That's not even painful... i don't even have words to describe how awful it is. I don't know why, but it seriously inflicted some real damage to me (guess it's like saying "you'll never get your loved one").

Was thinking of drawing a life-size anime character on the wall.

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(23:22)

Watched Kara no kyoukai's first movie again. I just love their intro song.
It's funny, that most people don't have an idea what this anime movie is about. Knowing that somehow leaves me... empty. Sad. Alone.

I'm now certain that the depression is caused by something i'm not supposed to know/remember. With certain external stimuli combination, i keep remembering bits of places i never knew of. It's like cracking a code without actually cracking it. You let it be cracked. Even though i only get a picture or the sensation for a brief moment, it's enough to do collateral damage to my mood. I'm writing this because i'm experiencing.

Combination: Smells of other people + Above song
Picture: An old house in the middle of nowhere, on top of a small hill. Green grass with golden sunshine. The house is made of wood. Inside lives no one, but was habited by an old woman. Completely alone. Waiting for something. Inside i see old cupboard, covered in dust. There lies a rocking chair to the left of it. Golden light shines in from the right, illuminating with it's rays, as if she is still sitting there... waiting, with sad eyes that stare into the nothingness.

(The "depression" has got weaker, but is still there. Total mood kill. But somehow, i feel as i've known her)

A great song + some other stuff

I really love this song, so i created a lyric video for it (yeah... after failing for gaz-zillion times due to some bug with Vegas GPU acceleration... no idea). Listen and think.
This is another reason why i love melodeath. It has incredibly deep lyrics that usually talk about life and negative stuff related to it. I guess it could be called "Spiritual metal". :P

    

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After i woke in the morning to post the thing about OBE, i couldn't sleep for at least an hour.
By now, i feel ok and ready to try again. I wasn't expecting to get over it so fast, though. In a way, i love this fear, this experience. It reminds me of my childhood. In fact, it felt nearly exactly the same.

There's one thing that bothers me. The noise. I remember them even from my childhood dreams. Especially when there where these unbearable noise, then in a snap of fingers, complete dead silence.


Once i get fully and willingly OBE, i will answer all unanswered questions. I will not give up. May it kill me or not, i have no other reason of existence. I will overcome my fear. I will find the reason why i even exist.

A song and a random update

Since i wrote so much nonsense... CTRL + A, Backspace.
The depression's coming again.... maybe 'coming' is a wrong word. Maybe the whole sentence is wrong. Maybe it isn't coming, maybe it always is, i just simply sense it when my mood fails.

Anyways, off with that, let it come if it wants.


This is why i love melodeath creators. When they make slow songs, they are beautiful. You don't hear such songs everyday. anymore. This is what you call a masterpiece.


Before The Dawn - Deliverance

Some infamous sad songs

Anime songs can be awesome. Especially the sad ones. They have such deep lyrics to them that it sends chills through your spine. And even if they don't have lyrics, their amazing music brings tears to your eyes. It's like the creator has poured it's soul into it.


Egoist - Euterpe
One of my favorites. 'Nuff said.

Gintama - Madao
Even though it has no vocals, it has nice tune to it.

Elfen Lied - 'Lilium' (Piano cover)
This one doesn't even need to be said anything.

Naruto - Sadness and Sorrow
Well, who can forget this infamous masterpiece? Pretty much anyone who knows something of anime, knows this soundtrack.

Fullmetal Alchemist - Lullaby of Resembool
FMA was and is one of my alltime favorite animes, since non other has been EVER come as close to "it" as they had. Too bad their story was set in stone. Wish they would continue the story from Alphonse.

Dream log: Mind music is awesome!

I'm not entirely sure if the music was from TV or something. It was kinda "opera"-ish (probably mom or someone watching music channels again). In my dream i altered it into awesome song. It was so awesome that it nearly awakened me (as in OBE, and it did generate OBE vibes).
Man, i wish i would've memorized how it sounded. All i remember is the metal part (what i created).

If i could recreate it in conscious state of mind, i would listen to every song and alter it in my mind. :D

(Me <-- Metal and Rock fan.)

(I've been capable of speaking in my mind, as in hearing it clearly in my mind, and a few times created music, but i can't remember any >.<  -- These were in OBE/Meditative state too.)

Just a general update

I've gained even further control over energy, sensing and visualizing with no effort at all. That proves that training mindlessly does not improve your abilities.
Today, going through the grocery shop, i could easily see everyone's energy field and aura (i've separated the two. One is where i concentrate on it's length, amount and potential ,the other where i analyze it in color spectrums and in feelings.).

I had another dream but i can't remember it. I woke up at 6 am because i was already good to go. Forced myself back to sleep... barely succeeded. Can't recall seeing anything important.

Went to melt metal once again. Tin this time (aluminium is way too time consuming). Splashed a little bit of molten tin on my hand. Once again, no burns, no nothing. How odd. It's nearly as some sort of subconscious defence.


I'm feeling weird again. The depression's knocking on the door again. Go away. I'm feeling crap even without you. If you come back with a better future, then i'll accept you.

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Music: A7X - Brompton Cocktail

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Re-edit:

The weird moment when you can't recognize your own voice on a recording.
It's totally true. In occasions, my voice changes. Yet only it changes when i'm in certain mood. If i'm nervous, my voice sounds weird. Maybe it's just because i'm used to not using it, and when i even use it, i speak so silently. Most of the times people say that "i speak under my breath". The truth is that if people would listen, they would understand. (OBE vibrations at 0:07 in wake state of mind)

Deja vu: The song i heard in the dream!

I never thought i would find it. Yesterday i watched "Elfen Lied" then i remembered that i heard this somewhere. About a year ago, i heard this in my dream, then had it stuck in my mind, trying to recreate it but failing horribly.

I feel as a rock has been lifted from my heart, but i feel sadder than normally. Amazing melody. I keep getting cold chills through my spine constantly.

Edit:

Strange. For some reason i thought i heard this song over a year ago, but in reality it hasn't even been 2 months.

Here's a dream log from that day:

"

 Dream log: Choices (if you don't want to "get" negative, don't read)

 If you make one choice, it can and probably will affect the others. By making choices, we change others more than ourselves.
Environment: Desert, no life. Sky is clear blue. A classic post-apocalyptic scenery. High hills.
I walk down a road where there used to be a small village. I do not know what had happened. The wind blows dust from time to time and suddenly, i notice two cats fighting. The black one, losing.I shoo the other one away and pick the injured cat up. I placed hand on him and he felt better. Placed him on my shoulder and continued walking down the dusty road. I come across a gate, see 3 people. I went through the rusted gate and continued to approach them. The two walked past me as i did not exist. I greeted a woman with black hair, torn clothes, skinny. Asked if it was her cat. She was happy to see him, but suddenly saw a sad expression. I asked what's wrong. She said that she had seen so many cats die. She was depressed. I attempted to comfort, saying that i know the feeling since i've seen a countless amount of cats die as well. She smiled for a moment and continued to look sad. As in suddenly lost the will to live. The dream leaps. I was looking for food from an old grocery store. Nothing. I went back to see how she's doing. I found her dead. Tied to a sign post, clothes ripped off and had written on her "grope". I felt disgusted. But i knew that whoever tied her up there, didn't kill her. Just a brief moment before i saw her, i saw her fall off the cliff (and had someone sing in an opera style using only "Uuu...", as in for death song). As she fell and hit the ground, her bones broke. The music stopped. 

Who's fault was her death? Mine.I "pushed" her to the last limit. I made the choice of healing the cat and giving it to her. If i never would have helped the cat, let him die, the girl would've lived. Or maybe, if i never would've gone to the grocery store and stayed with her, maybe she would've lived?
Now, how's that for a dramatic ending dream? Choices, choices. But i later, i stopped to analyze the dream. Notice the similarities. Black cat, losing and injured. Black hair, torn clothes, skinny and mentally unstable. Technically the same, isn't it? Winning cat.... probably the one who tied her to a post and wrote stuff on her.

"

That same song was sung in as i said, "opera style". But what bugs me is that it IS that song. I've never seen Elfen Lied nor heard this song until now. That truly shocked me.