Testing others

I was in the usual deep thoughts mode (what usually has people thinking i'm depressed or angry), zipping some coffee and staring at some random point at the kitchen.
My mom comes and tries to have me talk. At first, i didn't want to talk because i was quite sure that she would not understand the subject. She kept prying and i decided to let her in on a little bit.
I distracted her from what had to do with me. I explained how memories and senses work. I decided to ask her this:"Try imagining a color outside known spectrum." She instantly claimed it impossible. I explained, that what you know as color, doesn't have to be a color. For example, they can be in an another form of visual phenomena (lines, shapes etc.) or senses. She didn't quite understand and said:"How is that a color then?" i didn't reply but i thought "It's just how your mind translates it". I took the most simple example: seeing etheric body and auras.
I told her to look at her hand. She had a tiny bit problem seeing at first, i showed where to look, and said that she saw when she closed one of the eyes. "Yellow, is it?", she claimed. It was orange yellow. I wanted to say:"If you see what's not visible, then why claim possible impossible?". Moment later, we were interrupted by my dad and i want nothing to do with him. Skeptics are annoying... they force on their own beliefs onto someone else (not that all of them are like that).

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2 (Maybe more?) days ago i created an entity. Gave it a form, teached it various things, linked it to myself (just that it can learn things off of me. Feelings, thoughts etc. Also, for it to get energy out of somewhere.). I didn't take it quite seriously, but for some reason, it still lingers in my mind. I wonder if that means it was a success. It would be awesome to have someone next to me, in a ghostly form (so others see too).
Yup... it would be awesome to have a companion like that.

OBE: Making progress again

The last few weeks (maybe a month), I've been attempting to feel the environment and to transfer consciousness to somewhere. It has all failed.

Last night, i went back to square one. Relax, slow breathing, shut off all other thoughts (... i slapped them across the face, which somehow actually worked...). When i reached emptiness of thoughts, i relaxed even further until hypnogogia started to develop. The problem that i had was, that i moved my awareness too rapidly, that it canceled it. I could faintly see my room (it was pitch black). When i slowly transferred my awareness to it, it slowly materialized. But then i started to look around and each time i looked, it faded away. Darn.

Well, the second body theory does not work for me. For me, hypnogogia is the fastest way. I haven't had OBE vibes at all lately either.

Side note: I've had quite a lot of physical contact with entities lately. Mainly just touch experiences. Guess we aren't so different after all (refers to me slapping my dads head in a dream OBE). :D

Someone's desperate to get my attention

I'm not quite sure how long it has been til' now. Years? Until then, i haven't really paid a lot of attention to it. I always get the feeling of someone being next to me, it's not negative. Sometimes it pulls the chair, steps on the bed, moves air and pressure and in meditation it sometimes touches softly as in not to startle.
Whenever i do sense it, my heart chakra goes off. That pain comes.
It feels nearly as i know that person, but it's not no one from this reality. It's strange. I want to get OBE already. A full one.

Talking about OBEs, i had crappy results the last few weeks. No hypnogogia.... NOTHING. F*ck. (Takes a breath)... I WILL get out today.

Time confusion + more light visions

From time to time, i mistake day for night and night for day. I am a night person. I like that it's quiet and relaxing then. Nobody (well, bigger part of humanity) isn't capable of seeing or sensing then (they aren't even when it's light. You can totally hide in plain sight).
I don't go out at all because i got no friends nor need to. The only exception is when i want to do something (invent, experiment or just practice).

Sometimes i do something and think it's day-time (as if it is bright outside), and it feels like one, but actually is night. And sometimes the reverse. It's really confusing. Sometimes time seems to be so long, sometimes mere hours vanish into thin air.

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Still. Movement = Light. No matter what sort of movement it is, it creates light. For example, cat moving.

But that's not the point. Sometimes, this light is created when there is no physical object. The latest is cat jumping down from window and walks away.
Mostly they have been animals, but human like forms have as well caught my sight. These visions seem to be repetitive.

Memories, perhaps?

Darkness - Story of how i changed

Most people hate darkness, right? So did I. The reason for that is that i was always feeling followed, observed. And what's worse that i had bad control over myself.

The second thing i never could take was this "dead silence (and slow, repetitive moving objects)". I mean like it's completely silent. There's no sound at all as if nothing existed (and as if saying "Can't you remember? Try to remember!).

I could never tolerate either the darkness or the silence. Especially the darkness, because as a child, my imagination was uncontrollable, that it literally gave life to my emotions and imaginations.

Every night i had nightmares. Pretty much each night i sneaked near my mom & dad's bed, just to find comfort in her saying "monsters don't exist". But what's worse is that i never believed it. I just wanted to stay nearby someone, hoping he/she will protect me from them. They didn't. The nightmares only got worse by each night. I felt as i was breaking down. I lost my trust in others. Each night, when i awoke, i felt this presence. Someone watching. "Please, go away! What do you want from me?", I repeated in my mind until i was so tired that i couldn't think any more.
I started to sleep with cover over my head (and still do), because every time i didn't, i would instantly get nightmares, as if someone did forced them upon me.

After a while, my mind partially suppressed this wild imagination. I developed a way to end/start dreams at will. Simply forgetting and letting go. Even later, i grew fond of these nightmares. I became twisted. I never smiled again, since death only surrounded me. First, my cat leaves me, then my grandmother dies. I broke. I lost my fear for death. Lost my fear for these dreams. I wanted to experience that fear as if it was an addiction. To know that i still am alive.

Soon those dreams stopped. I had these dreams of being dragged to my corridor door to talk to someone. Each time i was dragged there, i was asked questions. Telling not to be scared, but how could i? I was paralyzed by it. One night, i broke the limits. I was dragged yet again. This was over 10-th time. I asked, "What do you want?" but i can't remember what he answered. He just said "Don't be afraid.". I said "Leave me alone." and then i didn't see these dreams for a while again.

A few years ago, i started having similar dreams. Falling into bottomless pit. Darkness surrounds and around you can hear deep voiced chants. Those parts were mixed into dreams. As simple as opening a closet cabinet and getting sucked it.

I never understood what it means... but i've come to like this fear, this darkness. Til' this day, in dark, i feel being followed. Observed, as if i were some kind of test subject. This is my twisted life story. This is who i became to be.

Feeling lifeless, seeing symbols, hallucinations...

I'm feeling lifeless again, i want to do something that can kill me. I need to overcome it. I want to jump to a ice cold water and meditate under water. Or stand in fire. I'm being imprisoned by reality again. I need to come close to death in order to be free of it.
I'm seeing symbols everywhere. One that i saw was like this.