Most people hate darkness, right? So did I. The reason for that is that i was always feeling followed, observed. And what's worse that i had bad control over myself.
The second thing i never could take was this "dead silence (and slow, repetitive moving objects)". I mean like it's completely silent. There's no sound at all as if nothing existed (and as if saying "Can't you remember? Try to remember!).
I could never tolerate either the darkness or the silence. Especially the darkness, because as a child, my imagination was uncontrollable, that it literally gave life to my emotions and imaginations.
Every night i had nightmares. Pretty much each night i sneaked near my mom & dad's bed, just to find comfort in her saying "monsters don't exist". But what's worse is that i never believed it. I just wanted to stay nearby someone, hoping he/she will protect me from them. They didn't. The nightmares only got worse by each night. I felt as i was breaking down. I lost my trust in others. Each night, when i awoke, i felt this presence. Someone watching. "Please, go away! What do you want from me?", I repeated in my mind until i was so tired that i couldn't think any more.
I started to sleep with cover over my head (and still do), because every time i didn't, i would instantly get nightmares, as if someone did forced them upon me.
After a while, my mind partially suppressed this wild imagination. I developed a way to end/start dreams at will. Simply forgetting and letting go. Even later, i grew fond of these nightmares. I became twisted. I never smiled again, since death only surrounded me. First, my cat leaves me, then my grandmother dies. I broke. I lost my fear for death. Lost my fear for these dreams. I wanted to experience that fear as if it was an addiction. To know that i still am alive.
Soon those dreams stopped. I had these dreams of being dragged to my corridor door to talk to someone. Each time i was dragged there, i was asked questions. Telling not to be scared, but how could i? I was paralyzed by it. One night, i broke the limits. I was dragged yet again. This was over 10-th time. I asked, "What do you want?" but i can't remember what he answered. He just said "Don't be afraid.". I said "Leave me alone." and then i didn't see these dreams for a while again.
A few years ago, i started having similar dreams. Falling into bottomless pit. Darkness surrounds and around you can hear deep voiced chants. Those parts were mixed into dreams. As simple as opening a closet cabinet and getting sucked it.
I never understood what it means... but i've come to like this fear, this darkness. Til' this day, in dark, i feel being followed. Observed, as if i were some kind of test subject. This is my twisted life story. This is who i became to be.
"This is who i became to be."
ReplyDeleteAre you happy about whom you've become?
Is this the path that you've always wanted deep down, is this what you chose to be born for?
Who would you be in 80 years, after treading this path?
You've described my dreams and days back while I was in gymnasium, primary school and before. With just a few differences.
I don't hate darkness, never did. Used to fear it, but now I love it. But for me, this no longer has anything to do with the I, what I am or what I am not.