It went even worse. It's so strong that i can no longer conceal it. Mom thinks that it's caused by something. By entities or something, i said no. I'm not sure myself what causes it. I keep falling deeper into the pitch black pit, with no rope or a ladder to climb up. Simply installing Ubuntu (dual boot w/ Win 7) caused great nervousness. I felt like i was being devoured from the inside, not to mention the pain. Everything negative seems to be greatly amplified. Even now, i am squeezing out my last bit of energy on writing this. Least this isn't making me feel bad.
All this has led me to think:"Has there been some switch flipped, or have i just been feeling others emotions as own?"
Perhaps, i have never experienced my own emotions in the first place. Either way, it's an immense burden. So big, that i didn't know how to explain these feeling to my mom when she asked. i really, really do feel like wanting to throw up.
PK/OBE related experiences:
Voices, shrieks, vibrations.
When shooting energy, there was small red dot (like when you watch a bright object you get that blob). Several times.
I'm out. I got no more energy left. Nighty night.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Heart-rate monitor (video of pulse pattern change)
The last couple of days have been a real mess. Oh! That reminds me, that i have to upload a new version of the heart rate machine-peepy... thingy... Yes... i do not know what they are called. A heart-rate monitor? (*disappears to put it together*).
This was after i brought a bag of wood (yes, we bring wood with huge potato sacks. It would be pointless to go for several times). It's not really heavy, though. This, here, was just another normal one (yup, that's normal to me). This is one of the reasons i hate jogging. We always used to in PE classes and by the first 5 minutes i felt like my heart was going to pop. I do think that walking is sometimes too slow and run a short distance. Even at wrestling warm-ups, i would simply get my muscles warm from the thought of it (i would start burning up). And then everyone's expecting me to keep up with everyone else (which i did... and in the end of the day i would walk home half-dead. lol).
But that's not the point. The pattern swings way too much. It's like it's switching between two modes (relaxed and disturbed). I would get the same result just from being nervous.
And there ya have it. As my emotions swing, you can imagine what my heart does as well.
On another note, i can't remember my dreams again. I just know there was something, but what?
But that's not the point. The pattern swings way too much. It's like it's switching between two modes (relaxed and disturbed). I would get the same result just from being nervous.
And there ya have it. As my emotions swing, you can imagine what my heart does as well.
On another note, i can't remember my dreams again. I just know there was something, but what?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
I think my system finally broke...
This is the second night where i experience negative emotions at their fullest. Yesterday, i couldn't sleep for 2 hours due to worrying (you know when you watch a bright object, you get this spot where you can't see things very well? About that. It lasted around 2 hours). The whole time i felt like throwing up or rather accepting death. The whole morning i spend time restoring my right eye just because of that (it didn't function like it should have).
It's a real pain in the ass. Even now, thinking about it, causes me great worry (which would never do so... normally).
If this keeps going for long time, i will end up at an asylum. At times like this, i wish i could rip out the source of the problem (that is solar plexus chakra). But in a good way, i guess it's a good way to train thought and emotion control.
Each day manages to always bring something negative, but where's positive? Nowhere to be seen or felt. In these days, i can only rely on my memories of hugging an unknown friend, whom only exists in my dreams.
It's a real pain in the ass. Even now, thinking about it, causes me great worry (which would never do so... normally).
If this keeps going for long time, i will end up at an asylum. At times like this, i wish i could rip out the source of the problem (that is solar plexus chakra). But in a good way, i guess it's a good way to train thought and emotion control.
Each day manages to always bring something negative, but where's positive? Nowhere to be seen or felt. In these days, i can only rely on my memories of hugging an unknown friend, whom only exists in my dreams.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dream: Ghosts
I think i finally understood why ghosts (not all) are so angry with us.
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
OBE: The noise... the unbearable noise! (19.02.2014)
This evening (around 6), i was so tired, i decided to take a quick nap. Woke up around 9. Too hot, heart racing like hell (i was sleeping with clothes). I didn't really care and suppressed the feeling and closed my eyes. The next thing i know, is that I'm sucked into an OBE state. I thought "well, it can't be that bad. If I'm already here, i might as well try".
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
- "Falling into an endless pit" (from the dreams of my childhood)
- Stabilizing the state, "feeding" other senses in.
- Attempting to actually move or send my consciousness into another location.
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
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