Fading indeed...

 People manage to make me furious lately. Just because i don't say anything doesn't mean I'm angry, and asking 'Why are you angry' is only going to make me more. Mom did this and I said with an angry tone:"If you don't understand something, then keep your nose out of it". There are points where i am in sync with a lot of dimensions and do not wish to be disturbed, since then there's a high probability of causing unintentional PK (in massive size). Simply walking home like that had all the lights pulsing around me. So please, mind your own business.

(Not to even mention, still being somewhat in sync later. Sitting on the floor, staring at one point. "Dad" said that i should learn to know myself. Know what? Fuck off. I know myself very well and I'm very conscious about my decisions and actions.)

I seriously have started hating people who don't understand, yet still meddle in other's affairs. I feel like i want to erase them from existence.


*Sighs*, I haven't been under stress lately. Nothing has happened, yet I'm changing.  I want to be alone. More than ever. I mean like not speaking or even encountering people at all.

Classmates were a pain in the ass. Wanted me to join the "Noor Meister" competition. I rejected. After 2 lessons of annoying me (2 + 2 teachers), they gave up. Good riddance. I got better to do with my time than that.


Had an unintentional OBE in a dream. Wanted to speak to a dead monk. Never made it.

The dreams have been much deeper. 7 hours is now sufficient for full rest. The wake up is more difficult, though. Simply opening eyes feels like looking at the sun and it was rather dark (i have dark blue curtains, so barely any light comes in. Most is blue, but even that's so little).


I'm considering on concentrating more on PK and stuff from now on. I feel different. Perhaps i am fading.

OBE: The noise... the unbearable noise! (19.02.2014)

This evening (around 6), i was so tired, i decided to take a quick nap. Woke up around 9. Too hot, heart racing like hell (i was sleeping with clothes). I didn't really care and suppressed the feeling and closed my eyes. The next thing i know, is that I'm sucked into an OBE state. I thought "well, it can't be that bad. If I'm already here, i might as well try".

The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).

Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).

Now, the next things i want to try:

• "Falling into an endless pit" (from the dreams of my childhood)
• Stabilizing the state, "feeding" other senses in.
• Attempting to actually move or send my consciousness into another location.

Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.

Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?

And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.


Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.

Update of 15.02.2014

Didn't make it to the PC yesterday... was too occupied with OBE.

While attempting OBE, i started to experience odd sensation. It felt like something was moving in my legs (later in hands too. It felt as there were snakes under my skin. This occurred physically, it was not mental, but it was partially fed by attention). After experiencing, it led to numbness. It would repeat the same process when the numbness would be disturbed. I guess the sensation would be quite similar to the sensation of a cramp, but without it actually going into the stage.

Funny thing was, when i was attempting OBE, my dad's leg went into a cramp and i could hear him moan in pain. I couldn't but laugh at it (i even do now, i *sorta* hate him. You can leave the word in "*" out. And the reason is because he is an ego-freak. Always thinks himself to be higher than others, gets furious at even he slightest things). xD

After that, i descended into deep trance and was able to see rather clearly through my eye lids. Nothing more happened after it.

Apart from this, my head has been aching. Not sure what's the problem... neck muscles seem ok, energy flow... ok. Hmmm....

Had another dream which i cannot remember... something to do with death again.

Watched an anime called "Dante's Inferno" (i've never read the book, nor have played the game). I guess it had a fair storyline.

...

And made this for valentine for less than 2 hours... started too late, had no time to model (nor do UV mapping) more stuff so i rendered it with transparency and took an HDR scenery and put it as background (blurred it, used leveling and b&w filter). You can even see the blackness around the vase where i said "fuck it. I'm done" (got tired of the mistakes and left as it was).

A great song + some other stuff

I really love this song, so i created a lyric video for it (yeah... after failing for gaz-zillion times due to some bug with Vegas GPU acceleration... no idea). Listen and think.
This is another reason why i love melodeath. It has incredibly deep lyrics that usually talk about life and negative stuff related to it. I guess it could be called "Spiritual metal". :P

    

---

After i woke in the morning to post the thing about OBE, i couldn't sleep for at least an hour.
By now, i feel ok and ready to try again. I wasn't expecting to get over it so fast, though. In a way, i love this fear, this experience. It reminds me of my childhood. In fact, it felt nearly exactly the same.

There's one thing that bothers me. The noise. I remember them even from my childhood dreams. Especially when there where these unbearable noise, then in a snap of fingers, complete dead silence.


Once i get fully and willingly OBE, i will answer all unanswered questions. I will not give up. May it kill me or not, i have no other reason of existence. I will overcome my fear. I will find the reason why i even exist.

Freaky OBE/Dream

I'm writing this at 5 in the morning, just because it was quite freaky.

It was originally a part of a dream. It was daytime and i would attempt OBE. I was fly fighting with someone in that OBE/dream. I hear someone say this:"If you want to go OBE, you have to switch with me. You have to become me, and me, you. Just say whenever you are ready." At that point... i was. I said... "I'm ready". Suddenly, i see a pair of eyes, i hear screams in the background (kinda like the ones when you normally do... that kind of noise). It really started to scare me and i said:"Stop, i had enough for now". And guess what, The light switches from daytime to nighttime, several times... i realized... i'm already awake.

Fuck... that was damn scary. This will clearly cause some set-backs to my OBE training.

I think that who i spoke to was myself. "You have to become me, and me you". Hmm... interesting. Well, anyways, i'm gonna try sleeping. I don't have enough courage at the moment to try again.

OBE: Questions

Last night i attempted it since 21:00 til' ???. I somewhat succeeded.
For the majority of the time, i was trying to transfer my awareness from here to somewhere else. It didn't quite work. I started attempting something else. I would let go of my body and focus my awareness somewhere "higher" in my mind. It worked. I suddenly lost control over body and knew the sensation. OBE. But when i kept concentrating on the sensation the "noise" kept getting louder and louder, until i couldn't take it anymore. It was the same high-pitched sound. It felt like my head was going to explode (if i would go any further).

And there's my question... What is that noise/sound?

(I noticed that after the noise, the world wasn't that lucid either. I fell asleep too, but it seems to serve as some sort of "keep consciousness awake" signal. Perhaps try to stabilize it?)

A long night of retrials

I managed to partially pull off an OBE. It took many hours, but it's ok since i went to sleep since i got home (around 5 pm). Most of them were just sleepless hours, but i'm glad i made progress.

It happened again. I lost all control over my body. It felt as something "sucked" me into that state. I got a bit scared since i thought i might meet aliens (lol). Quickly erased that thought and then thought:"What should i do then?? Oh, i'll search for Sussch's uncle!". Then i'm not sure what happened. When i tried to gain sight of where i am, i just couldn't, and the thought of calling him just didn't come to my mind. All i could hear, was this sound of a engine. It got louder and louder, until i nearly woke up. I thought "Well, i guess i cannot do this... how about i visit someone from my imagination?". Same result. Wonder why?

I woke up since i was sleeping on the side. It was hurting a bit.
I attempted to re-enter that state.I failed. But i do remember something... partially. "Time is inrelative". I cannot quite understand what that means. I do know Einstein's famous quote that he claims time to be relative, but who and why did someone say this?

The whole night since 1am past by tryiing again. "Body fall asleep, erase thoughts, remain awake." "When connection to body is nearly lost, raise awareness to mind body."

I did see a cool random dream about pk too in the morning too, but it's nothing worth writing about.

---

Edit (16:13): I remember a weird sensation in my leg too. The leg was like getting electrocuted... that kind of twitchy feeling.

Also, i remembered another dream i had.

Wanted to also write that i had been experiencing light pulsing in the dark. I mean like when you watch one of thouse old CRT monitors and you see the refresh rate. I'd say it's around 60 hertz. Didn't find no android tool to recreate the effect.
Meanwhile the effect lasted, there was a moving shadow (which made me go "Oh hell naw!" :P )

PK block + OBE update + Dreams

From one side comes good, from other.. bad. In PK, i'm failing absolutely. If i'd go to PK school, i'd drop out. I get connection and everything, but PK doesn't take effect. Probably because i don't train much.

On the other side, i'm making progress with OBE again. It has kinda become a habit to try OBE every night. I'm facing another problem. When i enter a reality, i either get kicked out or lose consciousness. Now i have to find a way to stay awake when entering into these worlds.

(It's kinda like when you try to see in the dark. One moment you can see clearly, the other, all goes black. The images are too unstable. Concentration problem, perhaps?)


Aside from all the previous, i'm starting to remember dreams again.

(*Deleted major part of the dreams.*)

In the dream, i'm in a more futuristic environment. Spaceship-ish. Lights on the walls, most stuff made of metal. There were no windows. Just when i'm about to take a step, i see a commercial with sex. I mean like all private parts were allowed, with "action" (if you understand what i mean). A bit disgusted after seeing it, i get a letter (in a paper form). I look at it confused. It was rather large. I couldn't make out what was written on it. I open it and the first thing i see, is about the conspiracy about that weird commercial that i saw. I read:"

(Something like this, i cannot remember the exact text.)

*** are actually fine with such ad's?! 

Many have seen, and perhaps already have joined the resistance, against that ad. Just a short while after publishing, there was a big outrage. People are still protesting, yet nothing is done about it. 

Quoting ***:" (Woman voice speaks) I see nothing wrong with it and i believe it's a great example for children. After all, we all have similar bodies, what's there to hide?". 

But that's not all. According to the head of *** (the one who allows publishing such stuff), he thinks likewise. 

// This was only part of the top of the page. I couldn't even take a look at the other pages! Damn! //

(Dream ends.)

The next dream is pointless to tell (probably...).

Also, i for some reason seem to believe that i will live for 2400 years. It feels right. That would be troublesome though (everyone seems to say 100 years is long time, but it seems rather short to me. Maybe i'm just trying to play god, who knows.)

Visited by myself

I had a pretty odd experience night ago, that i wanted to write about for a while now.

I woke from a bad dream, but cannot remember it was about. It was about 3 in the morning. The first thing when i open my eyes, i see a figure by the doorway. I continue to stare, thinking that it might be one of the short hypnogogic images. Blink my eyes many times, take a zip of coke from bottle next to my bed (i wake multiple times at night, from thirst). Watch the doorway again... the figure is still standing there. Oddly, it didn't frighten me one bit. It felt as i knew that person VERY well, as it was me. I decide to take another zip of coke... gone. The figure was gone. Then i finally realized that someone was actually standing there.

I remember that the person had short hair, a long coat (a little bit longer than to knees), the neck area of the coat was quite high, it reached to below eye. He had a fair body structure, not muscular, not fat, not thin. The clothes he wore was black.

And what's weird, i want one of those long coats. He had everything exactly how i would want. The only conclusion i seems to be that i was visited by myself from future.

OBE: Making some progress again + Some weird stories

OBE:

Something different has started happening lately. At first, when i get images and look at them, they are stable for a moment, then suddenly they de-stabilize and i get a black screen. Soon after, another image appears much more vivid and it feels as if you are really in that world and then the same happens again. It de-stabilizes suddenly. This happens a couple of times, but later on, i have a complete block. I try to materialize/stabilize the images and place, try sending my consciousness but nothing. It fades away.

The usual what i imagine would be: My grandma's house. To the left is forest, a small lake. To the right there is a small plown land and further as far as you can see is a green land. In front, there is an old house, it's falling apart, made of wood. Fences are rusting. Windows broken. Behind there's a small sauna. It hasn't been used for years. It's made of stone bricks.

Stories:

I don't know why, but every time i imagine that, i get a bit scared. It has always been like that. Even when i went there, at first, i felt fear. Later on, i forgot about it. It always had felt like something was off about it. Especially the forest behind the house. I didn't even wanna look at it. We usually went to visit her each month or so (she lived only with her dog). She seemed fine. One day at summer, when i was searching through the house, i found behind a locked door in a drawer, a thermometer. When i went to show it to my mom and dad, her reaction suddenly went totally off. She started yelling at me for no reason. I had been to that locked room for several times and had taken to show multiple things, yet that somehow affected her. She wasn't someone agressive or anything. It was like an outburst of anger (or maybe fear) out of nowhere. I started crying (even tho i was rather old). Dad argued with her (her mother) for a while. She had even cried. It striked me odd. Sure, it was wrong of me to go through someone's house, but such reaction out of nowhere? And also her crying? It's like she regretted it.
A month passes. We go back. While going through the stuff again (it's like something pulled me into it), i overheard a weird conversation. The conversation was rather normal, when suddenly she mentions some secret agents giving her orders, that she is being watched. She had no phone, nor a computer... not to even mention electricity. My parents instantly labeled her as crazy, i did not. I knew something was off about this place. I was afraid to even go to the second floor. It felt as i was always being watched. I know my other grandma scared me that there are monsters in the dark (which might have triggered this "paranoia"), but this was completely something different. The only place i felt better was outside. And what's even weirder, she was fine a few months ago. It's like she had snapped or something. A few months later, her dog died. She had been over feeding her, but as i remember, the dog was only 8 years old. Months went by... suddenly, she died. It was winter. She had frozen solid and mice had eaten from his finger and eyeball. I wasn't allowed to go, mom can't take such things so dad only went. Afterwards, we cremated her... ... ... and til this day, the ashes still sit in the big closet in my bed room (the closet is at most 2m away from me, it's kinda been nerving me, even though my mom keeps repeating "she's reduced to ashes, she no longer exists". I think she's scared that i might prove her otherwise. Even when i bring up the topic of OBE, she does everything to avoid it. When i ask "why?", she says that she is afraid of the unknown and would rather stay blind towards it.).

My dad has told some other stories about that place too.... i'm not sure if they are true or not.
He claimed, that his dad had buried a gun somewhere near where a fence used to be on the garden. It was supposedly stored in a special way. Sand, cartong, cotton, box, cotton, cartong, soil. Grandma (before she went nutty) claimed that she had dug up some sand in the garden. She was unsure where exactly. Never found it. I attempted to dig it up using by sending energy waves through earth, to see if there's something different in there. All i found was a bottle cap and some wires.

A story he had also told was that somewhere on top of a hill, near a house was supposedly hidden a box of jewels from world war 1. I knew where the house was located (well, it had fallen apart), but never got to go there. We rarely went near that region (even though there was a nice environment, pure water etc). I actually wanted to go scan that area, but for some reason, everyone stayed away from there. Either way, PK treasure hunt would be so cool.

I'm gonna stop this story for now before i get nightmares. Way too many weird coincidenses.

OBE: Partial success

Yesterday i went to sleep at 5pm (17:00) and woke up at 8pm (20:00). Didn't do much afterwards til 1am (1:00), attempted OBE.

It didn't kick me out this time. I remember how the images became steady and i could view around. Soon enough, i was doing stuff in these places. The only thing was, that i wasn't fully conscious. I only made the major decisions.
This went on nearly to 4 am (4:00) when i decided, i should sleep, and even then, i couldn't sleep. It's like it auto activated and threw me into another place.

Either way, i'm happy. Several successes in one night.

Dream log: The message

I've been meaning to write this one, but always forgot.

I saw this 2 night ago.
The dream takes in a place quite unknown to me, but i recognized it as a school building. I am in a room, where my former classmates and new ones are. I was about to witness something quite disgusting.
The two former classmates were fed up about something. They decided to send a message, a cruesome message. One of them (also a childhood friend to me) took a thin metal string, wound it around his tongue and started to cut it off. Considering everything, i doubt he would do anything like that. I couldn't stand the view. Turned away, where two of the other classmates (new) were trying to distract themslves by teasing and seducing me. I stood silent, waiting it to be over. Once it was over, the other former classmate took a blender, started it up and reached his tongue to it. For some reason, i was capable of watching it.

After all of it, i asked him why he did it. I can't remember an exact reply, but he said something about how the school is deceiving us. I wanted to say:"Wouldn't it be easier to get a dead pig's tongue?". I got no response.

It was an odd dream. That's all i can say.


Also, i remember funny reaction from myself last night. I was attempting OBE, but managed to fall into some sort of state where i wasn't asleep, not fully conscious, but remember things. Woke up from it, the first thing i said:"Damn... this is really tiring, you know?" (referring to the state). I understood that i need to become even more aware. The state was correct, i just couldn't stay awake.
Also, my body hurt (as in numb pain) from SP. It hasn't done that in a while.

Dream log: More! More randomness!

Last night, the attempt of OBE didn't succeed. I was still a bit terrified from the last one. It made me wonder, that i might have been a natural OBE-er since child but blocked this ability (since of constant "dark dreams" and inability to understand what's real and what's not.). It made me realize, that i'm regaining this ability, but subconsciously, i've been always suppressing most of it's potential. Enough of this. Onto dreams.

So today i saw a dream about... i'm not sure either what, my self.
The part i remember, is where i was visited by people from England (i doubt they'll read this blog, but they would know who). It striked me weird because no one EVER visits me (I don't want people to visit me anyways, they never speak or do anything interesting.). The rooms looked different... bigger. Much more relaxing. It was evening again. They had something to do so i went to buy groceries. The moment i stepped out of the door, i was in an environment, which looked really alike to a village of china or japan. There weren't a lot of people. This area was totally new to me too, yet i knew it somehow.

Later, somehow, i get signed up in some sort of guitar-monster-battle game where you have to play song as accurately as possible to kill the monsters. Got to say, i enjoyed it. I got over 3000 currency (not sure what it was, i gave a person a circular metal coin, that had imprinted on it "500" [and one 400]. Yen's perhaps?).
After that, i was walking somewhere in the back alley... not sure what i was doing there. Soon i was back home and the people from England had returned as well. In front of the house, they said "The roller coaster was fun!" ... As far as i know, there aren't any roller coasters nearby anywhere.

These dreams may be random, but they are relaxing. After all, i would and wouldn't want to experience more of the "dark dreams".

There's one more reason why i write these. I've noticed that all these dreams are random fractures of points of my life. Who knows, maybe someday these may serve a purpose.

OBE: Making progress again

The last few weeks (maybe a month), I've been attempting to feel the environment and to transfer consciousness to somewhere. It has all failed.

Last night, i went back to square one. Relax, slow breathing, shut off all other thoughts (... i slapped them across the face, which somehow actually worked...). When i reached emptiness of thoughts, i relaxed even further until hypnogogia started to develop. The problem that i had was, that i moved my awareness too rapidly, that it canceled it. I could faintly see my room (it was pitch black). When i slowly transferred my awareness to it, it slowly materialized. But then i started to look around and each time i looked, it faded away. Darn.

Well, the second body theory does not work for me. For me, hypnogogia is the fastest way. I haven't had OBE vibes at all lately either.

Side note: I've had quite a lot of physical contact with entities lately. Mainly just touch experiences. Guess we aren't so different after all (refers to me slapping my dads head in a dream OBE). :D

Random feelings and thoughts

Had a rough night. Attempted to sleep and do OBE. Both failed. Had some weird porn going through my head and i stood awake until it got bright (around 3-4 at the morning). I just couldn't stop it. The last thing i remember is slapping myself in the face and being able to sleep. Guess mental resistance didn't work. (It was like someone kept sending these clips and images, i kept pushing away and saying "Shh.." which echoed through my mind).

And now, watching videos of jet engines and after burner on youtube, i got the feeling as somebody would say "I love you". ... You know... that utter happiness. Accepting everything as is. All i can say right now... "What the fuck is going on". I already am having a slight headache of all of it.

Someone's desperate to get my attention

I'm not quite sure how long it has been til' now. Years? Until then, i haven't really paid a lot of attention to it. I always get the feeling of someone being next to me, it's not negative. Sometimes it pulls the chair, steps on the bed, moves air and pressure and in meditation it sometimes touches softly as in not to startle.
Whenever i do sense it, my heart chakra goes off. That pain comes.
It feels nearly as i know that person, but it's not no one from this reality. It's strange. I want to get OBE already. A full one.

Talking about OBEs, i had crappy results the last few weeks. No hypnogogia.... NOTHING. F*ck. (Takes a breath)... I WILL get out today.

OBE attempts & other experiments

Still having this "lag". Whenever i nearly get out and have vision developing, i get shut off. Entering the state needed to get OBE takes no more than 3-5 min.

I took my time today. First pranayama, then clearing and hightening awareness to breath. From there on, gradually moving onto "unsticking" astral body (until i could sorta do 360 and keep spinning, then reverse). Projected an imaginary body a few steps away and tried to send consciousness there. Strangely, my imagination took form of a bug. I was flying to the kitchen and just when i thought i got it going , bang. Vision and connection cuts off. Darn it. >:/

Then for over an hour i tried to send my awareness to the moon (eyes open). I kept repeating "i'm on the moon. How does the surrounding look from there?". At points, it felt as it was trying to change. I think i took too difficult thing to do.

It's weird that at nights i get different results.
Last night, i heard static for a second (as in someone attempting to communicate). Then i was touched by the shoulder. Then there was a loud bang. Then i felt someone's presence (which really made me want to open my eyes).


On a side note, i've been watching a lot of anime lately and constantly having the thought "why is it that i've seen it somewhere before?" when i clearly have not. I really do feel as reliving my life. It's odd.

As well, i'm learning to manipulate other people's energies (as in direct their own energy to heal or for other purposes). I find sensing different kinds of energy real easy. Last night i scanned my cat for Yang, Yin, energy blockades and energy points. It was so simple. Just as if i had already known it.