Here it goes again.

Depression, it's knocking again, but this time it brought more side-effects. It's getting more frequent and i have still no idea what causes it.

Years back (about 2-3), at english lesson (at morning), we were supposed to read loudly text. For some reason, i couldn't read the text. Whenever i tried to read , i saw it as blank. I saw no letters, no text. All i saw was white-ness. I managed to somehow sputter out some words by rapidly changing focus. Look away, back, read, look away, back, read. The delay was less than 2 seconds. It creeped me out quite a lot. I went home. Took a nap, and all was OK again. Mom said the cause might have been tiredness, but i highly doubt it. Tiredness causes blurriness, not inability to recognize black.

Also, few days into training auric sight, now everything is freaking glowing... constantly. Especially at night time.

(Sighs), This is so tiring...

Dream log: Oooooo~! It's getting so awesome~!!

This dream consists of series of weird parts. Mainly separated to :"The car", "The temple", "The bear" and "The storm". 4 main parts.
I'm a bit disappointed because i woke up before the true part begun. I was so looking forward to it and i can't remember the last dream i had. Anyways, let's kick it off.

The dream starts in the most bizarre way. Me and mom needed to get something from dad's car. The moment we get in, the doors shut and the car starts on it's on and starts to drive. I have no control over it. So i just pretend to be steering it (i got no driver's licence nor know how to).
The next moment we are at my dad's grandma's place. The house is still there but in a bit worse condition (since she is dead, we left it unattended. It was in a bad condition either way, but something always sparked my curiosity at it). I'm not sure what happened, but later i remember the house being torn apart. Some sort of construction. I went to take a closer look at the forests. I called my dog (who is also dead) to accompany me. After a while, we come across a weird structure. The closest would be something like this (but it's not it):

While standing and staring at it, (i'm not sure but) about 4 people with cameras and full archaeologist equipment come and greet me. The first thing they say is that i should come with them. Nearly as they were expecting me to be here. Then appears my mom who says we need to go, that dad wants lunch. I strongly disagreed since i really, really wanted to see what's in there. After a while of argument, we decided to stay for a little longer. We took a quick look in there. Most of it was totally dark. The next thing i know is that i'm in another room, someone talking to my mind something about demons or being one. I cannot remember what happened later on.
The very next thing i remember, is seeing a bear ride a sledge behind a car to get to some destination. It was rather smart one. In the end, he got stuck in the snow so i helped it get it's sledge. It took it and walked away. The surrounding was icy and cold. I remember seeing some fishermen. I talked to one of them that don't they get cold. He said it was a bit chilly but the weather will soon change. He was correct. It changed to something much more.... destructive. People stare at the clouds with a scared face, nearly as if they've seen a world's end. Soon we see a tornado form. A former classmate shouts "Get inside, the pressure change is gonna create an anti-gravity field!", i was like... "What? (Thinks: That doesn't seem to work like that.)". Either way, i ran inside. Not long later, it was followed by a hell of a shock wave which shattered all nearby windows. For a few moments we even levitated in air and then it returned to normal. All of us ran further into the building (i think that's even worse idea. Why not basement or something like that?), and were separated into rooms. I went to number 1 where i met some people. A girl and a woman. The woman seemed to know me, but i didn't know her. Same with the girl. After a while, i notice the backdoor... it's open. I told that i was going outside, so if something happens, don't close it. To amazement, i met lots of other people doing the same. We were all curious what's going on. We walk to a plain land where we could see the clouds. The moment when i'm about to see them, dream cuts off. Time: 10:21. Damn it. Too early. Trying to force myself back to sleep.

---

The next section is the next dream but it doesn't make much sense.

There were points where i would fight some guy. I would draw things in air that would stop him momentarily. Later i draw a seal his hat which stops his angry behavior. Then i remember some people getting kidnapped and as usual, it's up to me again. This time, i decide to play guitar instead lol. To hell with saving people, i want some time for myself too. xD

(I later decide to do it anyway.)

--

The bad thing is that i have to leave nearly most details out since otherwise it would go on forever.

General: What irritates me

What really irritates me is that people don't consider multiple possibilities. No matter if it's atheist, a conspiracy theorist, a religionist or what not. Once they think one way, they never consider the other.
(You read bedtime story. You believe it to be made up, but what if it has actually happened in another reality?)

I don't want to bring up examples, but since (nearly) nobody really reads this blog, i will.
For example, Michael, who keeps posting all kinds of conspiracy stuff on his facebook. He makes EVERYTHING sound so bad and dangerous. He's exactly like my freaking family doctor. "Oh don't eat this, take this plant instead --Wait! Don't drink that, that's bad for you! You shouldn't do that, it's wrong.". Seriously people. Nature (that means including humans), has the capability of adapting to different kinds of environment. We don't die from just some small change. So would you kindly stop creating pointless stress? (I've been drinking coca-cola which is claimed to be bad for you. I've been drinking it for years and far more than an average person. And I'm still alive, aren't I?)

Then there's scientists. "That's impossible." Then you prove it "it's probably *insert some stupid excuse here*". How hard is it to consider the possibility of impossible phenomena? And even if you are wrong, accept it. This is how we learn.

Religion... "The god is always right! Everything that's different is the spawn of satan!". Dear religionists, we have not insulted your ways, but understand, we do not wish believe it either. Those who want, will.

People, please, just for once, try thinking outside your box. Just consider the possibility of everything that you think and believe to be correct, wrong. There are lies out there.
So please, would you for once, set aside your ego and forms of thinking, and try to help each other instead?

Dreams and physical: Idiots... idiots everywhere.

Dream log:

I'm gonna make this short. I was flying around (thoughts: "Seems i have to get better control over flying" It was that i either went too high and when i wanted to go lower, i went too low. But still, levitating in the air... a lot progress to me. Mostly i've just had those super jumps and momentary levitation). After coming down by a garden, i see one guy with bow and arrows, the other guy just standing there, ready to be shot at. The moment he shot, i managed to react fast enough to throw the trajectory of the arrow off. But he didn't stop. It was nearly as he was mindless. When he was about to shoot, i created a force field around the guy.
Later on, he accuses me on not letting me do what i want (and starts shooting at me, none hit). I gave up and went away. Idiocity just can't be cured.

I can't... oh right. I remember the rest of the dreams now.

I had an interesting dream. It was about negativity and positivity. Me and a girl were doing something, when i come across an item with lots of negative energy. I'm not sure what i did but somehow i traversed it into positive entity. It's whole form changed.
Later, the girl who i was with wants to give a try too. Her older sister was into this kind of stuff, but really negative. In fact, so much more negative, that only 1 screw from her place was far superior to any outside item. We do get the screw but before we did he had sort of an argument. She didn't believe it would work. For some reason i mentioned the "Yin&Yang". I'm not quite sure why. After hearing that, she walked away angrily.
Moments later, the younger sister calls a friend over and tries to recreate what i did. The experiment got so dangerous that i was forced to create a force field around it. It did blow up. No one was hurt. The only thing i remember was the answer i gave... "That would mean altering the energy levels at sub-atomic level!" I'm not sure what that means but i remember mentioning something about "low-level energy" and "high-level energy". Hmmmmmm......

Well, apart from that, i was listening to music again. It was fun as always. :)


Physical log: Felt like i got shocked from wall outlet.

Yesterday aro-- I mean today, at about 2:30 (at the morning) i was playing games and suddenly felt as i got shocked from wall outlet to the neck. It was ridiculously powerful and cant tell where it originated. One part reached to the right hemisphere of the brain, the other to my right shoulder. Wouldn't want to experience that again.

Dreams and physical: More dreams and weird experiences

Physical log:

Usually, people who know us we know them don't ring the bell and come in right away. My usual reaction when it does ring, i attempt to change the reality to it non-existent. Yesterday when i did it, i suddenly felt as someone was holding from my neck, pressure builded up and my whole body temperature felt much much higher. It felt as my body was on fire. The sensation lasted about 10-20 seconds. It was a bit frightening.


Dream log:

Had some weird dreams again. Something about cold fusion (i have no knowledge on it or what so ever). Some people were meddling with gas at winter that had something to do with gravity or the magnetic field. No clue.

The second was a class trip to some place. It was icy. Some guy slipped, a girl jumped to save him (even that i was much closer, i just didn't care), showed her thumbs up since she had the face that she made herself look weird. She showed it back and smiled. It was nearly as we were having telepathic conversation.

The third one was somewhat a continuation of the second. Another bus trip. Only thing is that we were handed bombs and if you were to release the button, ti'd explode. It was nothing like that tho. I died only once. Or think i did at least. There was more than 10 sec delay to it.

Fourth dream. Some old house. I believe we were searching for someone. Not sure who.

Fifth was yesterday. Came from Rakvere, saw a huge bowl looking thing near the top of the radio transmitter post. In the bowl there were trees and bushes growing. The only questions i had were "how is it standing there?" and "Who even put it there?".

Here's a quick sketch of what i meant.

Tracing flies and their patterns

Yesterday mom had her friend over and decided to "join" the conversation (which never happened, since the mom's friend is sorta obsessed with the joke of marrying me. [Damn you, past me! You just had to say that i love her. Worst mistake of my life]).
The majority of the time i decided to block myself out. Attempted to remote view which didn't come out as well as i wanted. Then i spotted that the flies strangely repeat certain patterns. At some points, it was nearly as they were drawing numbers and letters (I remember seeing "74462KML8e". The letters "KML" reminded me of the alphabet. And yes, i memorized it.).
Then i started to think about life. They were somehow repeating the number "8" only with corners, which seems to represent a sand clock, or even further -- time.
Then again, you could simply take "8" and turn it sideways and you get infinity and could be rephrased to "Life's just a loop with a twist".
At a point where i was about to stop, i took more time to concentrate on visualizing their flight patterns and for a brief moment, saw a 6-pointed star... hexagram or as some know "merkabah".

Then again, there were those weird moments when i visually saw the fly separate into 2 paths. It totally threw off my tracing.


---

Also, the moon was rather bright and yellow yesterday. It was nice, but i didn't like it for some reason. I think white is better.
It had me thinking at some point, the name "sun of the night".

Dream log: Using PK to ignite a light bulb

It was an interesting dream. It was night and i used PK on a light bulb (that had a mirror behind it to reflect it to certain direction) and i was searching for something. Strangely, it was rather simple to do it (considering it was one of those "half-reality" mix dreams). It was fun to change it to brighter and dimmer.

I tried to repeat the experience in reality (with a fluorescent light bulb), which failed. The same result again. I feel electricity in my hand, but it doesn't seem to interact with other things. Might be a connection problem.

(Then again it might be just a fake experience. It's fairly easy to recreate the feeling. Just takes a couple of seconds).

OBE: Making progress again

The last few weeks (maybe a month), I've been attempting to feel the environment and to transfer consciousness to somewhere. It has all failed.

Last night, i went back to square one. Relax, slow breathing, shut off all other thoughts (... i slapped them across the face, which somehow actually worked...). When i reached emptiness of thoughts, i relaxed even further until hypnogogia started to develop. The problem that i had was, that i moved my awareness too rapidly, that it canceled it. I could faintly see my room (it was pitch black). When i slowly transferred my awareness to it, it slowly materialized. But then i started to look around and each time i looked, it faded away. Darn.

Well, the second body theory does not work for me. For me, hypnogogia is the fastest way. I haven't had OBE vibes at all lately either.

Side note: I've had quite a lot of physical contact with entities lately. Mainly just touch experiences. Guess we aren't so different after all (refers to me slapping my dads head in a dream OBE). :D

Dream log: Mind music is awesome!

I'm not entirely sure if the music was from TV or something. It was kinda "opera"-ish (probably mom or someone watching music channels again). In my dream i altered it into awesome song. It was so awesome that it nearly awakened me (as in OBE, and it did generate OBE vibes).
Man, i wish i would've memorized how it sounded. All i remember is the metal part (what i created).

If i could recreate it in conscious state of mind, i would listen to every song and alter it in my mind. :D

(Me <-- Metal and Rock fan.)

(I've been capable of speaking in my mind, as in hearing it clearly in my mind, and a few times created music, but i can't remember any >.<  -- These were in OBE/Meditative state too.)

Dream log: Finally, something interesting!

First off, what do you call a dream within a dream that has developed into OBE? I don't know either.

The first dreams i had were dream OBE's. 2 of them. A weird thing i noticed was that when i approached my dream physical body, i started to lose consciousness. Backed up, all ok again. I was playing around by trying to push my dad's head. Then slap it lol (i'm totally gonna be one of those bad entities one day xD). He didn't feel anything, yet i could clearly feel him instead. Kinda strange.

The second one i remember is being outside. Not sure what i was doing.


Then came to the play the real dreams.
I didn't really understand the first one i had. It was about some corporation building a safe house (War perhaps?). I was with someone... a girl. The corporation secretly was collecting psionists (they called it something else). They had them fight with each other in that same building. I was there as a spy. When the girl i met had to fight (she used aerokinesis, the other pyro), i sorta lost control and yelled "I know you can win! Do your best!" (for some reason, i was already in love with her.......... awkward). Well, everything went fine. I can't remember further on.

The second dream was just about school. It's non-important.


Within dream OBE... Unlike reality, you explore dreams in higher state of mind. Hmm.. If it starts to happen more casually, i'll just refer to it as WDOBE.

Side note: I felt everything realistically, but i knew i couldn't go any higher because i would've woken up. It was still an incomplete version of it. I still felt a bit dreamy.

Also, that darn bus driver took 20 euros for driving me home....... Who said you can't read at dreams? That's total baloney. You can if you want to.

(The bus driver didn't have enough change for me, so i said "I'll give you 10 Euro's, so you will give me back 7 and you get 3". *accidentally gives 20*, He puts 10 to the bus and holds onto the other 10, late puts into his jacket pocket.... darn douche. But who cares, it was a dream lol.)

Some weird stuff

A few nights ago, the clouds were really low and moving fast. I was having fun making them disappear. While later i noticed a person running past on the reflection of the window.

Attempted creating light orb constructs that feed on surrounding energy and stick to near me. Created one earlier, a similar construct to constantly heal mom and numb-en her pains.

Attempted to create lightning... failed, yet i get the feeling as electricity runs through my hands.

Attempted "bridging" touch and sight. When object is touched, it sends out a pulse into the object and is visualized. Didn't go as well as i wanted.

I'm still attempting to gain control over sight. Mainly controlling brightness. I can change it only a little. But when i start to do PK, everything instantly gets much brighter.

Haven't done any TK.

Last evening was interesting geisting. I got nervous for no reason and when mom switched the lights on, one of them was fluctuating like hell.

Entities still come and go. I've come to accept them. Instead of hiding under a blanket like earlier years, i wave at them casually now. There's points of time where i notice some of them watching me play games.
That reminds me, someone touched my shoulder as if it was a physical being. Tried scanning the room, didn't notice anything. There was only a faint spot that felt weird, and it was next to me.

Anime update! Kara no Kyoukai!

This anime is very well made. It has A LOT of mind bogging ... sayings (There will be pics from first movie and seventh, haven't watched the others yet).

I highly recommend you to watch it. In fact, i sorta plead you to watch it (yes, it is that good). It has a dark story to it, has powers and a lot other amazing aspects.

Here come the pics!

And here's an epic moment!

Anime changes lives!

This has developed just lately. I've become to hate light. It makes me weak. I can feel it in my muscles. I literally feel weak and get stronger in the dark. Also, i can keep sleeping until it goes dark. I won't get a headache or anything. I can keep dreaming. I can see in the dark like nothing. Also senses go up in the dark.

This is how i feel in the sunlight:

Actually, now that i reminded this anime to myself, i think i might be replicating abilities from anime. I don't mean only this. I mean from every anime.

Death note & TWGOK: Complex thinking.
Kore wa Zombie Desu ka? & Hellsing: Hate for light and getting overpowered at night. Possibility to sleep all day.

And not to even mention DBZ, it is totally possible to raise energy. The only problem seems to be the body not capable of handling it. It starts to twitch and shake like crazy.

And these are only few! I've watched over hundreds of anime. Who knows what my subconscious might have picked up.

Who said fantasies don't change our lives?

There we have it, geisting's back.

Each night now, just listening to music had me notice the flickering light. Many times i was considering it to blow out. So far, it hasn't. It's amazing since the only PK session i had was about day or 2 back when i was trying to pulse the solar light in their garden.
And today, i got a bit frustrated at my mom and nearly instantly it went dark and started to rain. Too coincidental if you ask me.

Apart from that, not much has happened.

General: :/

I'm actually a bit annoyed by going over to the other forum. On android tablet, it looks rather confusing and lags. I would prefer the old one over the new. That is my opinion right now. Well see how future plays itself out.

I set up tasker (android app) to force me do a reality check every 30 min since i keep forgetting. It's just in a form of sending a mail. What time, how i feel, what i see etc.
I will as well print a schedule for PK, reality checks, mind-set trainings and much more (3-rd day i've forgotten to do it... darn).
I don't feel the need to meditate. Staring into the dark, breathing cold air is good enough to make me forget everything.

Had some dreams. Today had one that i have seen before. Acted differently, even tho the outcome last time was good as well. Can't say it was a good outcome this time. I somewhat threatened a woman's husband with a sword... eh.... why is it that people in dreams are different? Their personalities are totally different.


People's thinkings are like windows on a house. Once they change them, they do not consider the possibility of previous thoughts.
Some never decide to wash their windows, never knowing what may be outside. The best windows what you possible can have... are none.

Physical log: Ouchy.

I think i might have figured out where and why my stomach aches come from. I believe they originate from cecum (which i had removed), and now it's regrowing. Last night i had a clear feeling that something is "there". I could feel it.

Odd thing is that the few last days i have barely eaten anything. I don't feel hungry, just feeling a bit sick (like wanting to throw up, this happened last time too, but due to extreme pain. This time the pain has subsided.)

It would be funny to see the faces on doctors when it actually has regrown. Oh that would be truly funny. But damn, the pain's really not worth it.

---

Also, what the f' is wrong with Vaike-Maarja? It's nearly as people here are generating a construct. A shield. Every time, the storms "magically" avoid us. Well, either way, i haven't bothered to break it. I guess i will once i feel better.

PK: Daydreaming

You actually don't need to train at all. Daydreaming is enough. Dreaming is enough. My abilities improve without actually training.

I keep noticing that i am daydreaming. Rather frequently now. Each idea, memory or fantasy ends up in rather detailed environment. And then you go "Oh, that's right... i'm daydreaming".

I'm pretty much broke at the moment so i can't even afford a ping-pong ball (not to mention i have tons of recyclable bottles at basement), but when i do, i'll buy some. I got a good feeling that my TK is capable of influencing it easily. I'm gonna have to print a schedule. I've got too lazy and major geisting has died out (not to mention this morning. I sorta "temporarily" broke the hair drier. Came from toilet, tried switching on, nothing. Went to other outlet, nothing. After 40 min, worked again.).

It's sorta a bad thing that i can't set up a proper PK lab, since i do some other experiments as well. Plus, my mom thinks of PK equipment as trash... so yeah.

Physical: Success.

Everything went exactly according to the plan. Keikaku doori! ;)

I'm capable of influencing my heart rate about 50% up or down by use of breath. Take a deep breath and let it out and instantly drops but also rises the equivelant amount.

So, now i'm going to the Rakvere on 26-th to get my heart patterns checked. One whole day. Hmm... I wonder if i have to stay at the hospital? Oh i would love that. Mwhahaha, let's mess up the patterns even further! I'll be doing PK (when i do it, my heart rate varies from 60 to over 200). This is gonna be fun!

General: More furiocity

More trouble. I have to go to the family doctor who is an egoist and tries to feed natural pills to everyone, and if that doesn't work she just finds another excuse.
It's a trouble for me because i have to get the letter from her. I know that you want to be "Big and powerful" but get over it. Stop playing all-wise. And what's worse, i have to do an EKG over there. It's no use or whatever to me.

There's one thing i've never understood. I am a patient, right? Yet i am not shown any of the information on myself. WTF. Are you saying that the information is more valuable than live person? I should totally have the permission to view and have the info. If someone actually could have the info, they might be able to figure out their problems.

I'm one of those people who wants to know as much as possible about myself, so i could destroy those limits. Even if i have no idea what's written on the info, i'll learn about it. I'll find someone who knows about it. So what's the problem? Why exactly am i not allowed to know?

Physical log: More changes

About 2 hours ago, my mom brought the heart rate meter from the neighbours. She has a above normal heart rate but today i totally destroyed every limit so far.

My heart went 170 on normal conditions. No physical, no nothing. I felt very energetic and constantly felt as my hair would stand upwards. Kinda like in DBZ. I felt suddenly SO energetic but calm. My hands were shaking a little. It reminded me of Nina Kulagina who was capable of pushing her heart rate above 200 while doing PK. Either way, it helped me convince them that i'm not normal. So, soon i'll be going to heart doctor. (Laughs), this is gonna be fun.

Also a weird thing that i noted. I eat a lot, out comes nearly nothing. I do have slight stomach aches, but what the hell! Do i have black hole inside me or what?

Dream log: I'm freaking high on drugs!

This was one of the most fun and weirdest dreams i've had. I will not tell the whole dream. The back story to it is that i went to a company who secretly "sells" (they gave me about 2 Kg of the drug for free) this weird drug. I was strictly told NOT TO TALK ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE (guess i just broke my promise lol).
This is where the real part comes in. I was at home, I decided to try it (remember that drugs don't cause addiction, it's the feelings that do). I took a small pinch and put it on my tongue. I walk around and suddenly it kicks in. It felt really like OBE vibrations at really intense levels. I felt being half the way out of body, could see energy fields clearly. At first it made me dizzy. It was really amazing. It lasted about 30-40 sec at most (the amount i took was less than 1g).

I wonder if it was some kind of OBE drug? It literally felt as you were 3m high, watching down on people. The colors were really intense as well.

What bugs me is that, what if drugs aren't actually "bad", that it's just a conspiracy to keep people from achieving something higher? And technically, aren't we already addicted to certain things? Then how are drugs worse?

Questions, questions and no answers.

(Nothing causes addiction if you are capable of controlling yourself. The thing that causes addiction is the feeling wanting to repeat the experience. Drug is just a tool for forcing mind state change.)