It went even worse. It's so strong that i can no longer conceal it. Mom thinks that it's caused by something. By entities or something, i said no. I'm not sure myself what causes it. I keep falling deeper into the pitch black pit, with no rope or a ladder to climb up. Simply installing Ubuntu (dual boot w/ Win 7) caused great nervousness. I felt like i was being devoured from the inside, not to mention the pain. Everything negative seems to be greatly amplified. Even now, i am squeezing out my last bit of energy on writing this. Least this isn't making me feel bad.
All this has led me to think:"Has there been some switch flipped, or have i just been feeling others emotions as own?"
Perhaps, i have never experienced my own emotions in the first place. Either way, it's an immense burden. So big, that i didn't know how to explain these feeling to my mom when she asked. i really, really do feel like wanting to throw up.
PK/OBE related experiences:
Voices, shrieks, vibrations.
When shooting energy, there was small red dot (like when you watch a bright object you get that blob). Several times.
I'm out. I got no more energy left. Nighty night.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Heart-rate monitor (video of pulse pattern change)
The last couple of days have been a real mess. Oh! That reminds me, that i have to upload a new version of the heart rate machine-peepy... thingy... Yes... i do not know what they are called. A heart-rate monitor? (*disappears to put it together*).
This was after i brought a bag of wood (yes, we bring wood with huge potato sacks. It would be pointless to go for several times). It's not really heavy, though. This, here, was just another normal one (yup, that's normal to me). This is one of the reasons i hate jogging. We always used to in PE classes and by the first 5 minutes i felt like my heart was going to pop. I do think that walking is sometimes too slow and run a short distance. Even at wrestling warm-ups, i would simply get my muscles warm from the thought of it (i would start burning up). And then everyone's expecting me to keep up with everyone else (which i did... and in the end of the day i would walk home half-dead. lol).
But that's not the point. The pattern swings way too much. It's like it's switching between two modes (relaxed and disturbed). I would get the same result just from being nervous.
And there ya have it. As my emotions swing, you can imagine what my heart does as well.
On another note, i can't remember my dreams again. I just know there was something, but what?
But that's not the point. The pattern swings way too much. It's like it's switching between two modes (relaxed and disturbed). I would get the same result just from being nervous.
And there ya have it. As my emotions swing, you can imagine what my heart does as well.
On another note, i can't remember my dreams again. I just know there was something, but what?
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
I think my system finally broke...
This is the second night where i experience negative emotions at their fullest. Yesterday, i couldn't sleep for 2 hours due to worrying (you know when you watch a bright object, you get this spot where you can't see things very well? About that. It lasted around 2 hours). The whole time i felt like throwing up or rather accepting death. The whole morning i spend time restoring my right eye just because of that (it didn't function like it should have).
It's a real pain in the ass. Even now, thinking about it, causes me great worry (which would never do so... normally).
If this keeps going for long time, i will end up at an asylum. At times like this, i wish i could rip out the source of the problem (that is solar plexus chakra). But in a good way, i guess it's a good way to train thought and emotion control.
Each day manages to always bring something negative, but where's positive? Nowhere to be seen or felt. In these days, i can only rely on my memories of hugging an unknown friend, whom only exists in my dreams.
It's a real pain in the ass. Even now, thinking about it, causes me great worry (which would never do so... normally).
If this keeps going for long time, i will end up at an asylum. At times like this, i wish i could rip out the source of the problem (that is solar plexus chakra). But in a good way, i guess it's a good way to train thought and emotion control.
Each day manages to always bring something negative, but where's positive? Nowhere to be seen or felt. In these days, i can only rely on my memories of hugging an unknown friend, whom only exists in my dreams.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Dream: Ghosts
I think i finally understood why ghosts (not all) are so angry with us.
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Dream takes off at a local shop, which sells all kinds of paperwork stuff. I needed some pens for school. I put a 10€ bill on the table and then rethink, that i must have some smaller change. I put the change on the table. Then i'm told to recount that since the cashier wasn't there. I... can't! I keep forgetting. It's so difficult that it makes me dizzy. I try so hard that i lose consciousness. Collapse to the ground. Soon, i wake up, and try again and barely manage it. I had given 4 cents more than was needed. While all that was going, i asked if she believes in ghosts. She says yes. I ask if she knows anybody called "Sussch" (instead of this, here was his real name). She says yes again... that he once came here. She also says that he has some hard work coming up. Not sure if she meant that as an exam or something. No idea on that part.
Then all the crap broke loose. She decides to prank me. She shows me a path behind the counter, says that it's haunted by ghosts. Then some other people scare me. Doing this in 3 times in row, i got pissed. I said:" Do it". The path they showed me, blew apart like a tornado had hit it (the path was around the length of a 5 dining tables).
Doing it once, good, but do it more than once pisses me off.
And i wonder what they meant by the Sussch part...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
OBE: The noise... the unbearable noise! (19.02.2014)
This evening (around 6), i was so tired, i decided to take a quick nap. Woke up around 9. Too hot, heart racing like hell (i was sleeping with clothes). I didn't really care and suppressed the feeling and closed my eyes. The next thing i know, is that I'm sucked into an OBE state. I thought "well, it can't be that bad. If I'm already here, i might as well try".
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
The same happened. Noise -- That. Freaking. Noise. But, then again, i found out an interesting.... "thing".
As i was in that state, i deepened it and it went even louder. At some point, it was really loud -- so loud, that i felt like my head was gonna explode and i was mentally screaming "Shut the hell up already!", i pushed even further, where the noise faded away (not sure if that's from the loss of concentration or ...?).
Another interesting thing, the sound can be multiplied by simply the thought of it there being more than one. It wasn't a pleasant feeling... or rather should i say, "sound". At points, i thought i was going to be deaf (luckily mental experiences don't have physical interactions with body.... least not a lot).
Now, the next things i want to try:
- "Falling into an endless pit" (from the dreams of my childhood)
- Stabilizing the state, "feeding" other senses in.
- Attempting to actually move or send my consciousness into another location.
Also, it would seem as "the fear" acts an amplifier.
Another odd thing is, that this state seems to suck you in, and won't let you go unless you try. I've always tried for fun to move my arms and stuff. Nope, haha. It's like with PK. You just don't have the proper connection to the object. Today, the "sucking in" happened twice. I wonder, if you try more, experience more, will these sensations happen more frequently?
And -- it takes unconsiderable amount will to come out of that state while it's trying to pull you in. I barely managed to keep my eyes open for a couple of seconds.
Unbearable noise and dead silent -- just like the dreams from childhood.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Update of 18.02.2014
Last night, i had fun RV-ing places (just some random ones). No OBE, just RV and not even that too strong. Still, an interesting sensation.
Had some longer than usual dreams. Remember, most of them.
I noticed something quite interesting at school. It was history class and i was kinda blocked out into another world (attempting auric sight etc) when i notice how the seemingly random pattern on the table, had lots of schematics, writings, pictures etc. Everytime i looked, it changed. All i did was concentrate and filter out bright spots and lines (so i would only see them). Perhaps i just wanted to see that, but who knows. Maybe (probably) random isn't all that random.
Most of the school days pass by the same way. I either try to sleep in class (teachers won't bother me anyways, i usually sit in the front desk too. I'm pretty much a ghost unless i want myself seen)
Also, been wondering about the lines that appear in this reality. Quite similar to "Kara no Kyoukai"s ones (If you still haven't seen Kara No Kyoukai movie series, WTF are you waiting for??).
The difference is, they aren't straight. They are jagged and curvy. Some brighter at where they cross, some not.
Here's some of the images that i took once when i watched the movie series (there is an anime series called "Tsukihime" which takes part in another universe). ... I think i'm gonna rewatch Kara no Kyoukai series.
http://imgur.com/P2Dk6Tg
http://imgur.com/bcjIEpH
http://imgur.com/LVAA91j
Had some longer than usual dreams. Remember, most of them.
I noticed something quite interesting at school. It was history class and i was kinda blocked out into another world (attempting auric sight etc) when i notice how the seemingly random pattern on the table, had lots of schematics, writings, pictures etc. Everytime i looked, it changed. All i did was concentrate and filter out bright spots and lines (so i would only see them). Perhaps i just wanted to see that, but who knows. Maybe (probably) random isn't all that random.
Most of the school days pass by the same way. I either try to sleep in class (teachers won't bother me anyways, i usually sit in the front desk too. I'm pretty much a ghost unless i want myself seen)
Also, been wondering about the lines that appear in this reality. Quite similar to "Kara no Kyoukai"s ones (If you still haven't seen Kara No Kyoukai movie series, WTF are you waiting for??).
The difference is, they aren't straight. They are jagged and curvy. Some brighter at where they cross, some not.
Here's some of the images that i took once when i watched the movie series (there is an anime series called "Tsukihime" which takes part in another universe). ... I think i'm gonna rewatch Kara no Kyoukai series.
http://imgur.com/P2Dk6Tg
http://imgur.com/bcjIEpH
http://imgur.com/LVAA91j
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Update of 15.02.2014
Didn't make it to the PC yesterday... was too occupied with OBE.
While attempting OBE, i started to experience odd sensation. It felt like something was moving in my legs (later in hands too. It felt as there were snakes under my skin. This occurred physically, it was not mental, but it was partially fed by attention). After experiencing, it led to numbness. It would repeat the same process when the numbness would be disturbed. I guess the sensation would be quite similar to the sensation of a cramp, but without it actually going into the stage.
Funny thing was, when i was attempting OBE, my dad's leg went into a cramp and i could hear him moan in pain. I couldn't but laugh at it (i even do now, i *sorta* hate him. You can leave the word in "*" out. And the reason is because he is an ego-freak. Always thinks himself to be higher than others, gets furious at even he slightest things). xD
After that, i descended into deep trance and was able to see rather clearly through my eye lids. Nothing more happened after it.
Apart from this, my head has been aching. Not sure what's the problem... neck muscles seem ok, energy flow... ok. Hmmm....
Had another dream which i cannot remember... something to do with death again.
Watched an anime called "Dante's Inferno" (i've never read the book, nor have played the game). I guess it had a fair storyline.
...
And made this for valentine for less than 2 hours... started too late, had no time to model (nor do UV mapping) more stuff so i rendered it with transparency and took an HDR scenery and put it as background (blurred it, used leveling and b&w filter). You can even see the blackness around the vase where i said "fuck it. I'm done" (got tired of the mistakes and left as it was).
While attempting OBE, i started to experience odd sensation. It felt like something was moving in my legs (later in hands too. It felt as there were snakes under my skin. This occurred physically, it was not mental, but it was partially fed by attention). After experiencing, it led to numbness. It would repeat the same process when the numbness would be disturbed. I guess the sensation would be quite similar to the sensation of a cramp, but without it actually going into the stage.
Funny thing was, when i was attempting OBE, my dad's leg went into a cramp and i could hear him moan in pain. I couldn't but laugh at it (i even do now, i *sorta* hate him. You can leave the word in "*" out. And the reason is because he is an ego-freak. Always thinks himself to be higher than others, gets furious at even he slightest things). xD
After that, i descended into deep trance and was able to see rather clearly through my eye lids. Nothing more happened after it.
Apart from this, my head has been aching. Not sure what's the problem... neck muscles seem ok, energy flow... ok. Hmmm....
Had another dream which i cannot remember... something to do with death again.
Watched an anime called "Dante's Inferno" (i've never read the book, nor have played the game). I guess it had a fair storyline.
...
And made this for valentine for less than 2 hours... started too late, had no time to model (nor do UV mapping) more stuff so i rendered it with transparency and took an HDR scenery and put it as background (blurred it, used leveling and b&w filter). You can even see the blackness around the vase where i said "fuck it. I'm done" (got tired of the mistakes and left as it was).
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Blenderin n' stuff (12.02.2014)
Been studying Blender for quite the while now. Following BlenderGuru's and BlenderCookie's tutorials, learning new stuff. I should learn more about rigging. Not much new stuff pops up anymore.
The latest i've made are these.
(Had to covert into jpeg... google apparently doesn't like png's for some reason.)
![]()
I'm just gonna leave the links here if anyone ever wants to download. I really don't care. I just do it for knowledge, and hope to get better.
There have been some minor geisting going on. The one that surprised me the most was when i woke up (around 8 at evening), sat in computer chair and watched 'Reporter' for a while. When the voting part came in, left side of the tv glitched out for a moment. It was quite interesting.
PK is rather stable. I constantly have the feeling that if i need to use it, i can.. well... i somewhat do. When trucks drive past through a puddle of water, i would attempt to create a wall. Or i would purposely step forcefully into a puddle (which sets the water and half-mold snow flying around me), i would try suspending them in air.
Not much really is going on right now. I'm tired, that's the main thing (even though we only had 2 lessons today... teacher was "sick"). Well, either way, the current life is rather boring. Constrained.
No OBE's, some odd dreams (which i can't remember except the fact something bad happened), some stuff pulled my mood pretty down, felt disgusted and guilty. Yeah... that's pretty much all.
The latest i've made are these.
(Had to covert into jpeg... google apparently doesn't like png's for some reason.)
I'm just gonna leave the links here if anyone ever wants to download. I really don't care. I just do it for knowledge, and hope to get better.
There have been some minor geisting going on. The one that surprised me the most was when i woke up (around 8 at evening), sat in computer chair and watched 'Reporter' for a while. When the voting part came in, left side of the tv glitched out for a moment. It was quite interesting.
PK is rather stable. I constantly have the feeling that if i need to use it, i can.. well... i somewhat do. When trucks drive past through a puddle of water, i would attempt to create a wall. Or i would purposely step forcefully into a puddle (which sets the water and half-mold snow flying around me), i would try suspending them in air.
Not much really is going on right now. I'm tired, that's the main thing (even though we only had 2 lessons today... teacher was "sick"). Well, either way, the current life is rather boring. Constrained.
No OBE's, some odd dreams (which i can't remember except the fact something bad happened), some stuff pulled my mood pretty down, felt disgusted and guilty. Yeah... that's pretty much all.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
A great song + some other stuff
I really love this song, so i created a lyric video for it (yeah... after failing for gaz-zillion times due to some bug with Vegas GPU acceleration... no idea). Listen and think.
This is another reason why i love melodeath. It has incredibly deep lyrics that usually talk about life and negative stuff related to it. I guess it could be called "Spiritual metal". :P
---
After i woke in the morning to post the thing about OBE, i couldn't sleep for at least an hour.
By now, i feel ok and ready to try again. I wasn't expecting to get over it so fast, though. In a way, i love this fear, this experience. It reminds me of my childhood. In fact, it felt nearly exactly the same.
There's one thing that bothers me. The noise. I remember them even from my childhood dreams. Especially when there where these unbearable noise, then in a snap of fingers, complete dead silence.
Once i get fully and willingly OBE, i will answer all unanswered questions. I will not give up. May it kill me or not, i have no other reason of existence. I will overcome my fear. I will find the reason why i even exist.
This is another reason why i love melodeath. It has incredibly deep lyrics that usually talk about life and negative stuff related to it. I guess it could be called "Spiritual metal". :P
---
After i woke in the morning to post the thing about OBE, i couldn't sleep for at least an hour.
By now, i feel ok and ready to try again. I wasn't expecting to get over it so fast, though. In a way, i love this fear, this experience. It reminds me of my childhood. In fact, it felt nearly exactly the same.
There's one thing that bothers me. The noise. I remember them even from my childhood dreams. Especially when there where these unbearable noise, then in a snap of fingers, complete dead silence.
Once i get fully and willingly OBE, i will answer all unanswered questions. I will not give up. May it kill me or not, i have no other reason of existence. I will overcome my fear. I will find the reason why i even exist.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Freaky OBE/Dream
I'm writing this at 5 in the morning, just because it was quite freaky.
It was originally a part of a dream. It was daytime and i would attempt OBE. I was fly fighting with someone in that OBE/dream. I hear someone say this:"If you want to go OBE, you have to switch with me. You have to become me, and me, you. Just say whenever you are ready." At that point... i was. I said... "I'm ready". Suddenly, i see a pair of eyes, i hear screams in the background (kinda like the ones when you normally do... that kind of noise). It really started to scare me and i said:"Stop, i had enough for now". And guess what, The light switches from daytime to nighttime, several times... i realized... i'm already awake.
Fuck... that was damn scary. This will clearly cause some set-backs to my OBE training.
I think that who i spoke to was myself. "You have to become me, and me you". Hmm... interesting. Well, anyways, i'm gonna try sleeping. I don't have enough courage at the moment to try again.
It was originally a part of a dream. It was daytime and i would attempt OBE. I was fly fighting with someone in that OBE/dream. I hear someone say this:"If you want to go OBE, you have to switch with me. You have to become me, and me, you. Just say whenever you are ready." At that point... i was. I said... "I'm ready". Suddenly, i see a pair of eyes, i hear screams in the background (kinda like the ones when you normally do... that kind of noise). It really started to scare me and i said:"Stop, i had enough for now". And guess what, The light switches from daytime to nighttime, several times... i realized... i'm already awake.
Fuck... that was damn scary. This will clearly cause some set-backs to my OBE training.
I think that who i spoke to was myself. "You have to become me, and me you". Hmm... interesting. Well, anyways, i'm gonna try sleeping. I don't have enough courage at the moment to try again.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Random jibberish
It's funny, how people are curious of the unknown, even if they fear it. Take for example, my mom. She doesn't want me (not to speak of herself) do such things. Especially OBE.
Today, she asked me about it. I explained to her in detail, but she always asks this one:" But what if you can't come back?". I just say:"It depends if you WANT to come back. It all depends on what you want. Your will is your strongest weapon". She just shakes head and says:"Seems dangerous...". What's even more funny, is that suddenly spirituality has become dangerous lol.
I had so many un-posted stuff, that i decided to delete em all.
This morning was odd. Before i wake up, i hear see a schematic and then a voice follows:" Light can be broken down to even smaller particles. This message was sent to you by 'Seven Secret S ...' (Seven Secret senc... no... something with "s"). Have a nice dream." I woke up and it kept bugging my mind for quite long time. It was like a message, rather than a part of dream. How odd. ;P
The schematic looked like it mainly consisted of resistor-like thingies, that took the light, then transformed it into something. Not sure into what.
Not much has happened really. Just this and that odd normal. No odd odd.
Today, she asked me about it. I explained to her in detail, but she always asks this one:" But what if you can't come back?". I just say:"It depends if you WANT to come back. It all depends on what you want. Your will is your strongest weapon". She just shakes head and says:"Seems dangerous...". What's even more funny, is that suddenly spirituality has become dangerous lol.
I had so many un-posted stuff, that i decided to delete em all.
This morning was odd. Before i wake up, i hear see a schematic and then a voice follows:" Light can be broken down to even smaller particles. This message was sent to you by 'Seven Secret S ...' (Seven Secret senc... no... something with "s"). Have a nice dream." I woke up and it kept bugging my mind for quite long time. It was like a message, rather than a part of dream. How odd. ;P
The schematic looked like it mainly consisted of resistor-like thingies, that took the light, then transformed it into something. Not sure into what.
Not much has happened really. Just this and that odd normal. No odd odd.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
OBE: Questions
Last night i attempted it since 21:00 til' ???. I somewhat succeeded.
For the majority of the time, i was trying to transfer my awareness from here to somewhere else. It didn't quite work. I started attempting something else. I would let go of my body and focus my awareness somewhere "higher" in my mind. It worked. I suddenly lost control over body and knew the sensation. OBE. But when i kept concentrating on the sensation the "noise" kept getting louder and louder, until i couldn't take it anymore. It was the same high-pitched sound. It felt like my head was going to explode (if i would go any further).
And there's my question... What is that noise/sound?
(I noticed that after the noise, the world wasn't that lucid either. I fell asleep too, but it seems to serve as some sort of "keep consciousness awake" signal. Perhaps try to stabilize it?)
For the majority of the time, i was trying to transfer my awareness from here to somewhere else. It didn't quite work. I started attempting something else. I would let go of my body and focus my awareness somewhere "higher" in my mind. It worked. I suddenly lost control over body and knew the sensation. OBE. But when i kept concentrating on the sensation the "noise" kept getting louder and louder, until i couldn't take it anymore. It was the same high-pitched sound. It felt like my head was going to explode (if i would go any further).
And there's my question... What is that noise/sound?
(I noticed that after the noise, the world wasn't that lucid either. I fell asleep too, but it seems to serve as some sort of "keep consciousness awake" signal. Perhaps try to stabilize it?)
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