A sense of emptyness

The 'depression' has been acting up again. No matter how much i seal or take an attempt to understand it, i haven't got anywhere. Do i really not belong to this reality or am i just an anomaly?

Had a fairly long talk about it with my mom. She keeps suggesting to go to a psychiatric. I keep telling her, that it will get me nowhere. Even if she will write anti=depressants, it's not a solution. It's the same like with other drugs. I will develop immunity towards them, and in overall, i hate taking drugs. They simply don't seem to work on me, not to mention of me getting bored of taking them.
Mom even suggested going to a psychic. I started laughing. If I cannot understand what is going on, why do you think that someone else will?

By the feel of it, it feels as it's something i'm not supposed to touch... yet. It's like something ridiculously powerful is locked away and the seals are deterioating, which causes me this... feeling. It's difficult to describe. It does not originate from the physical body. It's clearly coming from something else.

Another thing is, that whenever i try to understand or become it, the feeling stops and disappears for a while, but not for long. Meanwhile it's not there, i feel... empty. Like something important has been taken away. It's strange. I can't simply understand this one bit.


Can't remember what i saw in the dream, yet know i saw something. I even repeated it over once i woke just for the sake of remembering it. I guess it wasn't of anything important.

Haven't been drawing for 3 days now. Got no inspiration. Not even for modeling. Played guitar, failed epically.

Would like to do a test fire with the potatogun. Haven't had the chance (neighbors home).

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(Stares at the sky for a while)
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I really got nothing else to write.