Heartbroken

It's 9:18. Woke up from a sad dream, heart aches like it usually does but much more intensly.

I'm not sure what exactly happened but here goes:

I remember scenes when we were in a quite small room. Me writing a book, desk lit up by a lamp and the whole room besides me looking gloomy. Behind me to the right was a shelf which had various things on it. Behind me (next to the shelf) was a bed for a single person. On it was sleeping a pretty girl. I was watching both myself and her as a spectator and also, from my desk where i wrote.
Days went by (Deja vu, i have already written this?) and we aged. From children to grown-ups. Each time the same, She woke up, "(Smiles), still writing, heh?", she said. 'Yeah. Wanna do something?",i asked. Each time, a different answer, yet no scene outside the room. Wake up, ask, wake up, ask, wake up, ask. Once when we were grown-ups (about age 24-30), she says this:"Could you please go outside for a moment?". I did. When i returned, she was gone.
I remember going to get the book. Started to cry, because i knew she had never existed in the first place. That book was about us. I hung onto that book for the whole other dreams. I cannot remember what i entitled it. I would treasure it.

Seriously, ouch. That one REALLY hurt. I woke up with tears in my eyes (and currently have some too).

Testing others

I was in the usual deep thoughts mode (what usually has people thinking i'm depressed or angry), zipping some coffee and staring at some random point at the kitchen.
My mom comes and tries to have me talk. At first, i didn't want to talk because i was quite sure that she would not understand the subject. She kept prying and i decided to let her in on a little bit.
I distracted her from what had to do with me. I explained how memories and senses work. I decided to ask her this:"Try imagining a color outside known spectrum." She instantly claimed it impossible. I explained, that what you know as color, doesn't have to be a color. For example, they can be in an another form of visual phenomena (lines, shapes etc.) or senses. She didn't quite understand and said:"How is that a color then?" i didn't reply but i thought "It's just how your mind translates it". I took the most simple example: seeing etheric body and auras.
I told her to look at her hand. She had a tiny bit problem seeing at first, i showed where to look, and said that she saw when she closed one of the eyes. "Yellow, is it?", she claimed. It was orange yellow. I wanted to say:"If you see what's not visible, then why claim possible impossible?". Moment later, we were interrupted by my dad and i want nothing to do with him. Skeptics are annoying... they force on their own beliefs onto someone else (not that all of them are like that).

---

2 (Maybe more?) days ago i created an entity. Gave it a form, teached it various things, linked it to myself (just that it can learn things off of me. Feelings, thoughts etc. Also, for it to get energy out of somewhere.). I didn't take it quite seriously, but for some reason, it still lingers in my mind. I wonder if that means it was a success. It would be awesome to have someone next to me, in a ghostly form (so others see too).
Yup... it would be awesome to have a companion like that.

Physical: It gets even weirder

So today i got the answers for the 24h ECG. What they said is that i get "panic attacks" at certain times (even tho i messed with it, the times were off.).
A little bit earlier, i was really tired and decided to take a nap. Woke up because it was so hot and my heart was racing like hell, feeling bad as hell. For about 30 minutes, i attempted to lower it by will alone. I did succeed, but it raised back up. Later, had to ask some sort of medicine that would slow it down... took some, down, now for about 10 minutes later, it's back up again and i'm feeling sleepy as hell. It's sitting around 100-130. And, it's hot as hell again. It feels as if i'm running right now.

All i can say, is that i'm feeling weird right now. I'm nowhere as conscious as i should be and i lack control over my body.

We'll see if i live til' tomorrow. If yes, then i'll be uploading the ECG report soon.

Dream log: More! More randomness!

Last night, the attempt of OBE didn't succeed. I was still a bit terrified from the last one. It made me wonder, that i might have been a natural OBE-er since child but blocked this ability (since of constant "dark dreams" and inability to understand what's real and what's not.). It made me realize, that i'm regaining this ability, but subconsciously, i've been always suppressing most of it's potential. Enough of this. Onto dreams.

So today i saw a dream about... i'm not sure either what, my self.
The part i remember, is where i was visited by people from England (i doubt they'll read this blog, but they would know who). It striked me weird because no one EVER visits me (I don't want people to visit me anyways, they never speak or do anything interesting.). The rooms looked different... bigger. Much more relaxing. It was evening again. They had something to do so i went to buy groceries. The moment i stepped out of the door, i was in an environment, which looked really alike to a village of china or japan. There weren't a lot of people. This area was totally new to me too, yet i knew it somehow.

Later, somehow, i get signed up in some sort of guitar-monster-battle game where you have to play song as accurately as possible to kill the monsters. Got to say, i enjoyed it. I got over 3000 currency (not sure what it was, i gave a person a circular metal coin, that had imprinted on it "500" [and one 400]. Yen's perhaps?).
After that, i was walking somewhere in the back alley... not sure what i was doing there. Soon i was back home and the people from England had returned as well. In front of the house, they said "The roller coaster was fun!" ... As far as i know, there aren't any roller coasters nearby anywhere.

These dreams may be random, but they are relaxing. After all, i would and wouldn't want to experience more of the "dark dreams".

There's one more reason why i write these. I've noticed that all these dreams are random fractures of points of my life. Who knows, maybe someday these may serve a purpose.

Night of terror

Lately i've been a bit ill, but now i'm already nearly OK again.

Went to sleep yesterday at about 7pm (19:00), woke up several times. Went to bathroom, back to bed. Decided it would be a great idea to try OBE. Never been so wrong in my life before.
Laid there for a while and thought:"Damn, it's not working at all today. I should try to sleep now." Turned to the side and a moment later, i wake up staring at the ceiling, wondering, that how long i had been staring at it for now. Soon i started thinking:"The room looks really dark..." I start to slightly panic because i couldn't sense if it was a dream or reality. I started hearing a lot of noise and were panicking a lot. I was terrified. Then i remembered something that my old classmates you to sing, which is totally stupid. Ever seen Teletubbies? That intro song. "Tinky-winky... Tipsy... Lala... end üles poos (hanged himself)" When i thought the last part, I felt as i were going mad. The noise grew louder as ever. I looked away from the ceiling, afraid that i might actually see the  figure. Then i suddenly started repeating:"There is nothing to be afraid... there is NOTHING to be afraid.... " Soon the noise and voices went away. I realize once again... i'm staring at the ceiling... again. I really wanted to pull the blanket over my head but said this instead:".... and I thought i knew how to control my thoughts... (In so much fear that i started to laugh)".

(Takes a deep breath)... This has been the first time in a long while since I've been this scared. Still, they aren't as powerful as "dark dreams".  But what's worse, is that i still don't know if it was a dream or reality. Sometimes.... it really does seem as there's no difference between a dream or reality.

///

(There was a part where i started imagining the hanged figure, it was starting to come true. I tried to shoot it with energy, but nothing came out, nothing worked. It just didn't do what i wanted.
Also, I couldn't cancel out the what i believed to be a dream. Was it actually a reality?)

///

"Oh great.... it's morning already."

Last night i was watching SquareEater for a while. Also, stared at colored screens.
Spent the whole night thinking in half-sleep... can't remember what i thought about... -_-

The next thing i remember is saying:"(Disappointed) Oh great.... it's morning already.". It was somewhat amusing too. Majority of me was all like:"Goddamnit..." and the minority:"That was cool. Now if i could only stay conscious with time flying by."

I'm going to try train auric vision and watch SquareEater again today.

Dream log: "Make it so, that the rules don't apply"

Today in the dream, i was both spectator and a person.
The point i remember from is where i am at an old, broken apart wooden house. There's a really old PC there and i found an HDD. Decided to put it in the bag, maybe could see what's on it later.

(Dream jump into semi-lucid dream where i was at home).
Me: (walks to the living room where mom watches tv and dad is in computer). @mom "hey, i think i know how we can get our dog back (apparently, our dog died. And in reality, he's been dead for a while)"."If it's dead here, there's a chance we could access a similar parallel dimension, where he might still be alive". (Yada-yada-yada, i went on for a while. No answer).
Dad:"You hungry or something?" (Offers a handful of flash drives)
Me:" (Rejects) No thanks." (Dad offers some metal bars)
Dad:"What's wrong with you?"
Me:"...What i want cannot be given... (I say this actually quite often, and i mean it)."

(Dream jumps back to the previous one, i'm a spectator this time, following a guy).
This person works hard to get revenge on a person with powers. Each time he fails.
At a point, he and the guy who wants to get revenge are on top of a tree. The person was standing on a ridiculously tiny branch (about the size of your thumb). Then says with a huge smile on his face:" Make it so, that the rules of the universe don't apply to you", and jumps off least the hight of a 4 houses tree, lands and a moment after, he disappeared.

And that's where the dream cuts off.

I'm too tired to repair the grammar mistakes i made. Either way, that guy had me thinking over this sentence for over half the day.

Geisting various electronics

Today, after school at our old classroom with my handicapped friend once again. The computers were on, but on stand-by. A while later, we start to notice that the computers start waking up from that state.

First computer, Me:  "Did you touch that computer?"
Him:  "Err, no, i don't think so."
A while later, 2 computers were on (they were behind us).
Me:  "(Jokingly), I~ think you might have company here".
Him:  "Well, guess i can't go to *certain* sites then".
Even later, i noticed how one of them turned on, on it's own. It was in the back of the class. The ones that were turned on, were now on stand-by again.
Me:  "Hey, did you see that?"
Him:  "See what?"
Me:  "That computer turned on on it's own."
Him:  "Maybe it had some sort of macro?"
Me:  "They don't use these things here. I doubt they even know what it means."
---

Earlier, trying to start one of the computers:
Me:  "The hell. It's not booting up."
Him:  "What? Windows 7?"
Me:  "Yeah, but Ubuntu 12.04 works great, yet it didn't on the one you are at. Neither did my USB".
Him:  "That's weird. And if they find out about it, we are gonna be the ones to blame."
Me:  "This really sucks. Guess we are gonna have to act through it. I'll bring windows repair disk tomorrow, see if i can get it to work."

---

Yesterday evening, trying to make noodles:
*Checks if there's enough water in heater* *Thinks:"Yup", turns it on*. A second later the heater turns off. *Thinks:"That was fast"*. *Checks to see if it really did come to boil*. The water was freaking gone. Maybe it wasn't there in the first place.

---

Today: *Doing audio editing* *Save as* -> *done*, *Listens to it, hears choppy parts... Delete.* "God-damnit. I already closed Audition... So, what are you gonna throw at me more today?" *Annoyed*


---

Also, concentrating on listening to silence, you can  hear voices. Can't make out what is being said though. There's music sometimes. There are no next door neighbours. There were no people at the bus station.

U...ru... SAI!! (Shut up!)

I find chatting very annoying. People talk and laugh at the middle of the class when I'm trying to concentrate. At one point i was so angry, that i had one thought in my mind. "Die" (as in a command to other). Non-stop laughter for 45min and teacher does nothing. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Dropping an handicapped friend off by the local library. Walking down the street in bad mood. Noticed that dogs nearby houses were acting weird.  They turned around and started barking at me (there's a house that owns 2 dogs, and about 100m away, there's another house with one small white one). I decided to ignore it but then the white dog reacted in a similar behaviour. I said telepathically "Shut up already!" and the dog did. He just stared me walk away.

I was in rather bad mood to be amazed what i did, but right now, i am. There's one thing that annoys me though. Most of such things happen when I'm in a negative state of mind (probably because then i don't care of the consequences). And then i do these things out of emotions, not from will.

Who am i and why do i exist?

It's impossible to do anything anymore without questioning myself. Everything that i do, i feel as i've already done it. No matter what route i take, i've already taken it. What is my purpose? Everyone else seems to have one, and are fascinated by the world. They find the world fun and nice meanwhile i find it boring and confusing.
It's like i already know everything, while not.

It's so frustrating and painful! Even now i'm questioning why i'm even writing this. This damn heart ache, it's like a curse to bear others pain.

What exactly is my purpose?? I can't seem to find one! Just who exactly am I ???

There still are some nice people on earth + tDCS update

So, after taking EGG off, i asked the doctor where it would be possible to buy electrodes. She asked why i wanted them for to what i simply replied "for brain stimulation". She had a confused look and asked once more, as in not believing my answer (i guess it's just logical. The chance you'd come across someone asking that is less than 1%). She didn't know. "How many do you need?", she asked. I said "only 2", but she gave me 5 instead. If you happen to ever read this, i am really thankful! I'd give all my positive karma just for that. I hope everything will go much better for you from now on.

Thanks to that, i can continue learn and recreate them. Also, continue working on tDCS (i already have made it portable, have quite long wires [had less than 1m at first. Now it's around 3m], added the opinion to regulate voltage and amps (just so much that it would either have a really strong effect [vision going brighter and darker, metal taste, dizziness, heightened awareness etc.] or barely capable of sensing it) and easy change of electrodes (also capability of attaching either cathode or anode to fingers, if in lack of electrodes).

I'm missing one last component. That is an electrolyte. I already figured a way to create one. Aloe vera gel + Salt. I'm still searching for pure aloe vera. For so long, i've been using salt water.

Once complete, i'll do some test runs. Then have a test subject (i already have one). Have to buy a new 9V battery too...

Old dreams and symbols

I've never understood these dreams. They are scary as hell, but serve some sort of meaning.

The dream takes off at night, in my room. I'm hiding under a blanket, sealing every possible opening. Soon i start to hear voices and start to feel multiple pulls (as in people trying to remove the blanket at take me away. I ain't even gonna start referring to other similar posts about getting dragged somewhere (while pretending to be asleep) or falling inside a pitch black dimensions where i hear a deep voiced chants. These dreams have always been somehow connected.
My theory on them is that i'm unable to turn off OBE's (like i am with auric sight) and entities are capable of physically harming me. Then again, they might try to "awake" me (as in spiritually).

Either way, the dream went on. These masses of voices, pulls & pushes faded away. I went to the living room (living room is right next to my bed room) where i find mom sitting on couch. She seemed confused and scared. When i took a closer look, she had symbols written all over her. For some reason, i knew what they meant. What it meant, was "Death". I still remember shivers running through my spine when i realized it. And then we just sat there, in fear and confusion.

This all happened after 1-2 in the morning (since i sorta fell asleep at 6 in the evening, i took it as an OBE attempt). The funny thing is, my mom told me that i had a conversation with her in an angry manner, yet i have no memory of it happening. She said it was around 9 at evening. Hahaha, i wonder whom she spoke to.
(She said that i had said this: *Mom walks in to my room* Me:"What do you want? *Meanwhile eyes were closed* Mom:"Did you set the alarm for tomorrow?" Me:"Yeah, yeah (actually, i did not. I did it after 1 AM).
She asked more questions but the answer was similar. It was nearly as she was talking to my subconscious or something. A program to give answers what i want without waking me. How convenient! Next go to school too. I'll wake up later. xD )
Also, right before OBE attempt, i saw some minor flashes again.

Pain

It's interesting how easily pain can be healed. Last night, when i was about to sleep, i stretched a bit too much and got pain in the left arm. It wasn't constant, but as if pulsing. Took a little time, concentrated on it (broke my concentration twice because the more i focused on it, the stronger the impulses got and some were so intense that managed to move my arm a bit).
Further on, it was rather simple to reduce the pain to non-existent.

Later on, woke up with a stomach ache. Couldn't pinpoint the exact location. Just were repeating to myself "I cannot feel the pain" and soon enough, i realized that i wasn't thinking about it and the pain was gone.

At points, the pain feels odd. Kinda like wanting more of it.