Dream: Flying around and small PK contest

I always lack 2 things. Confidence and self-esteem. Even if i pull something off, i feel like it was usual.
Today, (i can't specifically recall where the dream started but...) i was attempting to fly because the distance by walking would take too long. As usual, i started jumping and then smoothly levitated down. Soon enough i got the feeling of it, concentrated only on it and finally started flying! Tho the faster i wanted to go, the higher i went... and i don't really like the falling experiences. I successfully flew to my location (first time ever that it was flying, not really high jumps). There still was time so i jumped on top of a building and slowly levitated down several times because it was so much fun.
I finally proceeded inside where i met a girl. She wanted to have a contest with me since i was the only one who could do PK there. I can't remember the first part, but second one was PK miniature football. You had to move the goal and ball around. Of course, we each had our own ball. It was funny because we constantly kept running around the table with our balls and goals. I finally managed to score and that was it it seemed. I had won the contest. The price was Minecraft CD, which she really wanted. I gave it to her because i had no interest in it. Either way, i had already played it. Both of us were happy, so i guess this story ended well.

Stinging nettles

Strange electrifying feeling.

We got a ton of stinging needles (plant) here. They grow over 1m easily. I went to practice a little of sword art and then with a long iron ... string, attached to a wood piece and started slicing through then. Then standing on a hill (the degree was so high that i could barely stand without falling), trying to cut down some weird plants (which were darn strong. I couldn't cut through the lower part in one cut. At least 2 Precise cuts were needed. In doing so, i managed to fall into a field full of stinging needles... >.>

I hoped it to sting much worse but strangely, it didn't. All i can feel at the moment is this electrifying feeling where i got hit (that is sides of my legs and palms). Oddly, it's not so unpleasant. Quite similar to energy in fact.

Darkness - Story of how i changed

Most people hate darkness, right? So did I. The reason for that is that i was always feeling followed, observed. And what's worse that i had bad control over myself.

The second thing i never could take was this "dead silence (and slow, repetitive moving objects)". I mean like it's completely silent. There's no sound at all as if nothing existed (and as if saying "Can't you remember? Try to remember!).

I could never tolerate either the darkness or the silence. Especially the darkness, because as a child, my imagination was uncontrollable, that it literally gave life to my emotions and imaginations.

Every night i had nightmares. Pretty much each night i sneaked near my mom & dad's bed, just to find comfort in her saying "monsters don't exist". But what's worse is that i never believed it. I just wanted to stay nearby someone, hoping he/she will protect me from them. They didn't. The nightmares only got worse by each night. I felt as i was breaking down. I lost my trust in others. Each night, when i awoke, i felt this presence. Someone watching. "Please, go away! What do you want from me?", I repeated in my mind until i was so tired that i couldn't think any more.
I started to sleep with cover over my head (and still do), because every time i didn't, i would instantly get nightmares, as if someone did forced them upon me.

After a while, my mind partially suppressed this wild imagination. I developed a way to end/start dreams at will. Simply forgetting and letting go. Even later, i grew fond of these nightmares. I became twisted. I never smiled again, since death only surrounded me. First, my cat leaves me, then my grandmother dies. I broke. I lost my fear for death. Lost my fear for these dreams. I wanted to experience that fear as if it was an addiction. To know that i still am alive.

Soon those dreams stopped. I had these dreams of being dragged to my corridor door to talk to someone. Each time i was dragged there, i was asked questions. Telling not to be scared, but how could i? I was paralyzed by it. One night, i broke the limits. I was dragged yet again. This was over 10-th time. I asked, "What do you want?" but i can't remember what he answered. He just said "Don't be afraid.". I said "Leave me alone." and then i didn't see these dreams for a while again.

A few years ago, i started having similar dreams. Falling into bottomless pit. Darkness surrounds and around you can hear deep voiced chants. Those parts were mixed into dreams. As simple as opening a closet cabinet and getting sucked it.

I never understood what it means... but i've come to like this fear, this darkness. Til' this day, in dark, i feel being followed. Observed, as if i were some kind of test subject. This is my twisted life story. This is who i became to be.

Dream log: Bunch of nonsense again

I'm remembering parts of dreams again. Some of them make no sense at all.


Dream: Letting others fall

The dream itself was quite the much a jumble. It started off by going to some competition. There wasn't a lot people. It was about 16-17 July (pure guessing), it was evening with a beautiful vivid environment. The houses and things looked really aged. Some of them barely were holding up. I get a second vision of 3 children climbing houses. Then there's this girl who runs at me as if i were a long friend of hers, grabs my arm and starts pulling it to a near house. We climb up the house. I said that the platform looks REALLY unstable, that we shouldn't touch it. She ignores my warning and runs straight on it to jump up... the platform broke. She fell down and broke her arm. I really was thinking that she was dead because the height was nearly 2 floors high! From that point on, i can't remember.


Dream: Old classmates

The dreams environment or objects didn't serve no special meaning.
The dream took place at some sort of school. A new one. All of the former classmates came together. There was this party (i hate parties, since i can't express myself in any ways. I simply don't know how to act under these circumstances. I don't know how to smile, laugh, make others feel comfortable or any of that!). Then one of the classmates pushes my back and says :"Go on, you idiot. What's the point of sitting here?" I just walk a circle and that's it. I appreciate it, but i have no social skills. Plus, all that is a complete nonsense to me.

Philosopher's Stone - First attempt - Constantly updated

Day	Date	Notes?	Weather
3	26.06.2013	Formation of white substance (ammonium nitrate), no sign of oil yet.	Heat: 24 - 30C; Humidity: 40-70%, no rain.
4	27.06.2013	White substance is on the bottom of the jar. There's a very small layer of oil developing.	Heat: 20- 24C Humidity: 70-90%, slight rain.
5	28.06.2013	Has started smelling horribly. Liquid decreased approx 3mm	Heat:18-23C Humidity: 30-40%, no rain.
-	-	-	-

Vision lag

Yesterday i came across a weird experience. I was about to go to sleep when i decided to move hand in front of me. The first was the hand moving and then there was this... after-image. This after-image had a clear glow. The delay was approximately 0.1 - 0.3 millisec (which is easily enough time to notice the difference between two objects moving).

I thought, what if entities were to move, would they leave this kind of similar trace? Would they emit this glow/light?
Or what if the movement creates light?

...

Probably just some stupid theories.

"Choose your destiny" taken a bit too literally...

It's not new to me that i see bits of future in my dreams. I don't really care what people think of it. I just share those that feel important. Also, the future is from the perspective of me. I can't tell what happens to anyone else but me (unless i'm with that person and percieve it).
Lately, i've been getting the 3 choices. I will do this, I won't do this, and wondering about the previous two.
It's kinda pointless to wonder, since i already know their outcome. I had multiple times when i wonder what choice i make.
I've tried stopping this "destiny". Whenever i attempt to go against it, it simply doesn't work. The outcome is still the same.

It's odd, you know? To tell the truth, i have no goal in this world. It's as i already know everything unconsciously, so whenever i come across it, this knowledge just rises to the surface (especially with dreams. All it needs is a catalyst to connect the dots).
I don't feel as something TRULY (i mean it as in dedication) interests me. A part of me wants power (the greedy side who gets jealous of others efforts), the other just to rest for eternity.

Whenever i look at the sky, i get this nostalgic feeling mixed with fear. Nearly feels as i get dragged back to somewhere. Sometimes when stars are out, i swear i can pinpoint something. I'm not sure what or who that is, but it generates fear in me. As if the world will change.
But the truth is that i have sensed multiple times this feeling as "something" was going to happen. It's different from the sense of storm. The sense of storm feels as energy rises up in your body and you can clearly feel the powerful energy in the air.
By what i meant "something going to happen", it feels as if someone's watching us. It feels nearly as someone is hidden and pulls with it's finger along the upper spine.


All i know is that something is happening. There are a ton of dreams still not come true. I wonder when.

Let's think! - Philosopher's stone and ORMUS - Theories 1

I was confused. They DO make philosopher stone out of urine. But it's not the final form.

Some basic background on the stones:

"There are two forms of the Philosophers' Stone: the White Stone, and the Red Stone. The White Stone transmutes any metal into silver. The Red Stone is the more powerful and more well-known, and transmutes any metal into gold."

Comment:
I did come across something called "Black Philosopher's stone". I'm not sure what that is or means. I will keep researching.

[...]

The Red Stone is much more powerful than the White Stone. A single dose can have a large effect,
depending on the strength of the Stone and whether it be White or Red. However, for a lasting effect the Stone should be ingested (eaten) daily, else your body and mind will begin deteriorating again.
If ingested it will cure all disease, and in higher concentrations will make an old person healthy and fitter than they were even in their youth.
If taken suddenly in high concentration, the body will purge itself of everything unnecessary, which may result in going through a shocking transformation over a couple of weeks, with one's skin peeling off, hair and teeth falling out, then growing back in prime condition.
Taken regularly in high concentration, it will be unnecessary to eat, drink or even breathe. Although these may be done anyway. The body will never grow old.
You will heal from wounds extremely quickly, and be unaffected by heat and cold.

Comment:
Woah. Skin peeling off, teeth falling out.... just like straight out of a scary sci-fi movie or something.  But it would be awesome... no dentists!!! xD
PS. I hate dentists.

[...]

I should say a few words about ORMUS (also called ORMEs or White Power Gold), which many people are describing and marketing as the Philosophers' Stone, and I have been asked many times if I am talking about the same thing. ORMUS is a method to obtain very small particles of charged metals. This is not the Stone, and it is not alchemy (it is not imitating Nature.) There may well be health benefits to ingesting ORMUS, but the claim made that ORMUS is the Stone is a little silly, it's like calling a chicken a cow. A chicken is not a cow, it doesn't look like a cow, and it doesn't act like a cow. ORMUS is not made like the Stone, it doesn't look like the Stone, it doesn't act like the Stone... it's not the Stone. There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to believe that ORMUS is the same as the Stone, other than this is what they have previously been told, and if what I am saying here applies to you then you need to consider what you believe, who you are listening to, and whether you should continue to base your beliefs on the opinions of others presented with no evidence to support their claims.

Comment:
Apparently ORMUS and Philosopher's Stone aren't the same. But they do serve similar means nonetheless.

[...]

By the older method, using distilled urine and gold, sometimes called the "wet method", one would be
relying on the life-energy in the distilled urine to break down the gold. This will work because gold is a very pure substance, with a lot of life-energy inside it, and will eventually break down with a little
convincing from the distilled urine. But it makes much more sense to use the lighter particles from the urine itself, as these are pure, but not so dense and not already determined like gold.

Comment:
I'm getting confused again. Earlier looking at the ORMUS video, they claimed to be making ORMUS... but technically, they could've made White Philosopher Stone as well..... hmm....."


Technically, egyptians could've easily created distilled urine by burying a bottle (empty) deep into the sand while the other bottle (filled with urine) was up, evaporating due to sun's heat (probably the two were connected with some tube or something). Then further on using the distilled urine to use with the so-called "wet method". Either way, they had the perfect conditions. Plus, it sorta explains how they got so much gold in the middle of desert (my history is zero, don't complain lol).

Now, as for ORMUS, people have made that. Just a quick youtube search will get the results. They claim to be making ORMUS out of:  Dead sea salt and sodium hydroxide ... plus water of course. But i feel as it's far from it's true potential.

Here's a video where a guy makes it.

Perhaps ORMUS and Philosopher's stone are the same thing (both use this "life energy" and are constantly interpreted as the same thing, then again, it might be not)? You can never throw something out of the window like the chance doesn't exist. Maybe the author is the one being blind at this point? A quote from him:

"There are people who can read this book and not understand it, but the reason for this is not that what is written here is too complicated for these people, but that it is too simple for these people. The disbelievers are so inflated with their own egotistic vanity that they are unable to see truth even when it walks right up to them and slaps them across the face. These are the same people who walk around claiming to understand quantum theory, string theory, etc. even when the inventors of those theories claimed not to fully understand it themselves (they are models - not truths.)
The only argument against alchemy is therefore ignorance. But whatever you believe, it doesn't change the truth."

To tell the truth, i loved that part. Freaking hilarious. xP

---

(Re-reads)

"...disbelievers are so inflated with their own egotistic vanity that they are unable to see truth even when it walks right up to them and slaps them across the face." 

Yeah. That's what you can call the bigger majority of the world. And in a few years it's called "science". Urgh.... freaking assh**es (referring to scientists who steal others credit).



Anyways, any guesses or opinions on the subject, Sussch?

Alchemy! Something that finally interests me. :)

I got lots of Ebooks on alchemy but never had time to read them. Since they are on my external HDD, i downloaded one straight off the internet.

In that pdf, the autor refers to "Prima Materia" as urine. Now, i was really confused when he said that. I even googled the word. Yup... Urine meaning what comes out of your lower part.

From that you make "Eagle's Wing" which leads to making "Philosopher stone". I will do more research on these methods. See if something overlaps, then give it a try.

But what really caught my attention was this:

"This Awareness indicates that as the Philosopher's Stone is created to develop a high spiritual frequency and then is ingested by the philosopher himself, the alchemist; that frequency of a spiritual level then enters into the physical body to become a catalyst for altering the physical cells to that same high frequency and it is in that manner that the rejuvenating effects take place."

Do we become less "vibrant" as we age?

I have to learn more on it. Alchemy aka. Spiritual chemistry is truly fascinating subject.

Some good manga/anime

Recently, i've been reading twice the amount of manga than i usually do. It fills the emptiness inside my heart.

The first one would be "Psycho Busters". It's about an average boy who has no friends and hides behind games because reality is too boring for him (i started laughing when i was reading because it matched with me 100%). Soon he meets people called "Prodigies", also known people with abilities and gets pulled into their "adventure". Here's a page what i was talking about.

The next one is called "Psyren". I just recently started reading it. It talks about a boy who gets a call from a strange person. He receives a phone card and decides to use it at a phone booth. He is being questioned and soon gets hunted by fake cops. Later he is pulled into strange environment with other people. The goal of the "game" is to get to the gate, to get back to reality. Later meeting up with a former "psyren diver" who explains how to learn to use these mysterious powers of PSI. Here's a quick preview to chapter 10. It has over 100 chapters and each chapter has about 20 pages.

The next is ONLY RECOMMENDED TO OVER 18+ AND NOT TO BE VIEWED AT PUBLIC SINCE IT CONTAINS QUITE A LOT OF HENTAI (speaks someone who is 17 lol. I had no idea what i was getting into).

It's called "Hagure Yuusha no Estetica". It's about a hero who has defeated the demon king (no clue, no backstory there). Later on, the show reveals that after defeating the demon king, he had a daughter he entrusted to the hero. They return trough the portal which only humans can travel through.

The show has interesting bits where the hero uses energy to stay horizontally on a vertical wall... and for other stupid (hentai-ish) reasons.

No image here.

Hmm... what else have i watched... SAO, Darker than black, Zetsuen no Tempest (Has a good storyline as well!)... oh right!

Shingeki no Kyojin (lit.trans. "Advancing Titans" but known as "Attack on titan"), is about people who encountered new kind of enemy. Titans. Mankind built a wall that reached up to 50m (if i remember correctly). The show has no magic or energy included but has INCREDIBLY GREAT STORYLINE!! When i started watching it i couldn't stop until i saw all of em. Then moved onto manga and ended that too in 2 days (it has over ... 40 chapters? Not sure. And most chapters have over 40 pages. Some had 200 pages). I TRULY RECOMMEND THIS ONE. Here's a few images from Chapter 2. There's only 11 episodes of anime currently, but 12-th should arrive by tomorrow.

Remember that you read manga from right to left. :)

Dream steps

I've been rather unaware today. Low energy state and even meditation didn't help much. I did somewhat get the heat at base chakra to move a bit.

At afternoon i decided to take a nap (originally, i wanted to do OBE). I tried mediating my awareness so i would stay awake, yet get hypnogogia and there on to lucid dreams. Soon i was overcome by weird experience. It felt as i would jump down the stairs to unconscious. I felt each step as my body would fall and stop. Each step felt as it was consuming me. I took a few more steps and then i don't remember anything anymore... until i realized that i saw an awesome scenery i wanted to take a picture, ran up the stairs to get a camera, about to take a picture...... it was broken. I realized that i was in a dream but it was so darn frustrating! The sun was surrounded by thin thick clouds as if it was an eye. You know... like an eye's iris. It truly was amazing sight (at a point, i remember drawing a few thin clouds, i drew the clouds directly into the sky. Freaking awesome. But when i attempted to do it again.... fail. Grr, like what the hell. I just did it a few moments ago. :D)

But yeah, taking the steps was amazing. It was as if you fell into yourself.

(This one actually came shorter... yay! :P )

Tiredness? More like someone stealing energy.

This is clearly not common. I mean hear that Sussch, titorite, people who work with mom and her included are so tired they wish to fall asleep. I feel tired aswell, but i'm still capable of resisting it. It's odd. My heart chakra reports that there indeed is something going on. I constantly keep rising my awareness to stay awake. But just incase i can't anymore, i got another backup plan.
i call it awake dreaming. It's a point where your body shuts down itself, but you are still awake. From there on, take full control over physical body and make base chakra generate energy while spiritual side pulls in from surroundings.

I constantly keep sensing as someone is tapping into unified consciousness (that would be the earth's connection to us) and meddling with our 3-rd eye.
By now, i have lost control over my vision. It's difficult to sharpen and focus on objects.

Could it be mass energy stealing? For what purpose?

I feel being targeted. It is harder and harder to keep consciousness. I will set up full barrier block.......... that's odd. I think it stopped. Yeah... i think it did. Nope... there it goes again. That odd feeling.


Something's definately going on. Somebody is stealing energy from us.

Too many ebooks to read + Alternative to kundalini?

I once downloaded a bunch of ebooks about various topics. Over 120 ebooks. Most have over 100 pages. So far, i have only checked this and that. Most of them base on spirituality. From meditation (kundalini, pranayama etc) to various aspects of PK to religion (even diabolican). Even alchemy and various tales.

I will archive and upload it soon. Until then, you must wait. :P
The approximate size will be about 1,2GB.

---LINK WILL BE HERE---

____

On other matters, i think what i've been classifing as "distortions" have been subconscious kundalini releases. I read about it on ebook, that it's a powerful force that will "mess" with senses and feels as a "serpent" rising.
The strongest experience i've had, was that i was standing in class, redoing some work (since i was absent). The teacher was talking next to me (she usually always yells) when suddenly i felt as if all my energy had disappeared. There was this weird cold feeling rising up my spine. While that was in effect, i nearly lost my hearing and sight. I had to lean onto the table to support me.
The only thing that didn't make sense, that it was cold. Kundalini is supposed to be hot. Maybe it's something different but similar to it? Or maybe it was just so intense that it rendered the feeling of coldness, like in sauna?

Anyways, today i attempted to release it by force. I couldn't. All i can do is pull the same "coldness" up through my spine that is nearly as powerful as it.  it feels as you were listening to some very good music, so you get those shivers. It feels as you hair starts to stand up. Kinda overenergizied feeling.
I can control small amounts of it at all times, especially around my hands. It feels as a cold breeze, calming and soft.

Could it be possible that this is an alternative or the opposite to kundalini? I mean, kundalini bases on base chakra and rises up, right? I feel mine be bit different. It doesn't come from base nor is hot. Maybe i draw energy directly from surroundings?
Either way, it does react with chakras. Especially the higher ones. 4-rth (solar plexus, heart chakra) usually makes it feel as if the area under my lungs was on fire and hurts. No clue what that's supposed to mean.
But all i can say is, that this coldness is strange. I've never used it for any purpose so i don't know much about it.

Today when meditating, i didn't want to stop, but the meditation didn't progress nowhere either. Just pointless thoughts running through and then nothing.

I've carried on far too long once again. I guess i can't make them any shorter or it would  be in lack of details. Sorry future me. Sorry readers.

OBE attempts & other experiments

Still having this "lag". Whenever i nearly get out and have vision developing, i get shut off. Entering the state needed to get OBE takes no more than 3-5 min.

I took my time today. First pranayama, then clearing and hightening awareness to breath. From there on, gradually moving onto "unsticking" astral body (until i could sorta do 360 and keep spinning, then reverse). Projected an imaginary body a few steps away and tried to send consciousness there. Strangely, my imagination took form of a bug. I was flying to the kitchen and just when i thought i got it going , bang. Vision and connection cuts off. Darn it. >:/

Then for over an hour i tried to send my awareness to the moon (eyes open). I kept repeating "i'm on the moon. How does the surrounding look from there?". At points, it felt as it was trying to change. I think i took too difficult thing to do.

It's weird that at nights i get different results.
Last night, i heard static for a second (as in someone attempting to communicate). Then i was touched by the shoulder. Then there was a loud bang. Then i felt someone's presence (which really made me want to open my eyes).


On a side note, i've been watching a lot of anime lately and constantly having the thought "why is it that i've seen it somewhere before?" when i clearly have not. I really do feel as reliving my life. It's odd.

As well, i'm learning to manipulate other people's energies (as in direct their own energy to heal or for other purposes). I find sensing different kinds of energy real easy. Last night i scanned my cat for Yang, Yin, energy blockades and energy points. It was so simple. Just as if i had already known it.

Weather and stuff

You know, it's weird that we never get thunder nor lightning here at Väike-Maarja. They all pass by us. Even right now when i look out of the window, i see dark clouds surrounding us, but never coming here. It's annoying. I want to train with lightning. :/

Today i woke up because of a bad dream. I'm not gonna tell much or whoever reads this will get sick. So just for that, I'll put them in spoilers.

In the dream, i encountered a woman, who's lower body was ripped in half, guts out and blood around her. She was still alive. Her screams were so painful as if you were being cut with a machete. I couldn't watch that, it truly was gross.

Apart from all that, i discovered that i'm connected to people who surround me. The radius is quite big. I'd say about 100m to 200m. That is naturally (and i suspect that is what is making me feel like crap). I once tried expanding it. By use of RV, i managed to expand it nearly half the size of my village (which isn't big at all). But the thing is, that then i couldn't sense people anymore. It was nothing more than auric expansion with a very weak link that would break to the weakest noise..

Pure people

Just a moment ago, i was looking out of the window and saw our neighbour watering plants. I decided to scan her (my 4-rth chakra acts as an empathic lie detector). When i scan a person, the chakra (and of course subconscious) responds to the person. Over 60% of times it results making me feel sick, nauseous. About 30-36% it results nothing. But for so long, i still haven't found a person who radiates this... "purity".
It's as you meet this certain someone and you feel being good around him/her.

I've met only a few people who are capable of something like this. Trisha, shy, Sussch  and owltwelve seem possess this odd energy. Even now, it's easy to scan them. It feels as Trisha is under stress, it makes me feel uneasy. Shy seems to be "hearty" (i mean compassionate, as in over her children). For sussch, its weird. I feel so calm. It feels as i am being pulled into bliss. So relaxing. I wonder if he's meditating or something? Darn... now i can't seem to pick up owltwelve. At a point i felt as he was determined but other than that, i can't pick up anything. Guess Sussch's energy was too overwhelming.

(I pick up multiple senses from Shirak. Strangely there's negativity.... now i can't pick up anything else. Hmm, wonder what's going on. I felt concentration for a moment.)

This scanning is also a great disadvantage. For many times i've fallen into bad mood because it. Lately, i even pick up energy from the environment. But nontheless It's interesting to scan people.

I've also attempted scanning people's potential abilities. Sometimes my hands get tingling sensation (electrokinesis), feeling heat (pyro), concentration (TK) etc. Some people feel like they are "out of the place". I'm guessing OBE.

...

I got carried away... I really have to say things shorter... plus now i can't get any connection to anyone. Better this way anyway.

Recalling / Binding thoughts, emotions and senses to world

I've never really thought about it. We know that when we always repeat something while doing or concentrating on something else we bind the sense to it.

I've always been fascinated how memories work. When people say they can't remember i instantly reply "bullshit". We remember. The thing is that we have to find the correct route to the memory. Sometimes memories are connected to each other and previous ones are needed to be reconnected to gain access to follow-ups.

A simple experiment. Study or do something and have a piece of candy. The next time you eat that same candy, it will recall what you did. A simple connection created using taste.

Now, let's say we are dealing with a psychic here. The same moment only to give the other person the candy. Would that recall that person's memories or the psychics? Both perhaps?

The most common thought binding would be music. In order to give form to "good" music, needs to have an emotion or thought bound to it. When other person listens to it, the emotion or thought resonates with their very being, generating the feeling of  "good" music. I had lots of moments when i'm overtaken by emotions and those emotions are amplified by music which emotions again leading to amplifying thoughts and that to daydreaming.
But then again, if we do actually resonate perfectly to the song, we pick up the singers emotions, memories and thoughts (which we ignore, at least consciously).

The point where we get tired of the song is because we "tuned" into the frequency of the song. The thoughts now go past us because we already processed it hundreds of times. When we do something else meanwhile, we record our thought over the one who created the song.

The most easiest example i can bring is that about year ago, i was playing minecraft. I constantly was listening to "Metsatöll - Vaid vaprust", and i mean that over hours. At a point i became so tired of that song, i stopped playing minecraft. Now if i were to listen to it, i would easily recall the memories i had.

In fact, we are always binding and receiving those senses. Create a handsign and think of a sense, keep repeating it and when you once do it, those senses reflect.

Another good example is alarm clock. We all hate waking up, right? And lets say you put your favorite song as an alarm. After few days, you will hate that song. The thought of waking. Hate embedded to it.


What i found to work the best is that for music is how in resonant you are with it. For objects and thoughts and other things is the emotional energy directed at them, and how frequently.

...

I got carried away.

This pain is driving me insane.

Yesterday it was anger, today i feel as shit. I got no will to do anything and i'm even surprised that i'm writing this. Tears constantly in eyes. The thought of wanting to die comes every now and then. My heart aches. It feels as my whole psyche has fallen and shattered to million tiny pieces.

I constantly have the feeling that i wish to see someone, even tho i don't consciously know who. It feels as i beg for my life for someone or something to happen. Ugh.... this really is the lowest i have ever hit.

Well, atleast i'm not suicidal yet. Got to say, this pain really reminds me of the pain of love. Heh... even if it is love, who knew it could be so destructive... ironic, isn't it?

Why am i even writing this? Am i writing this for someone? No. I write this to myself. Maybe one day i'll read these, just to remind the pain i used to feel. Maybe for some other purpose.

But if i am missing someone, then who? Just who?? This question drives me nuts yet subdues my pain!

... I really have fallen apart... but this pain, i feel as i am getting closer to something... or maybe someone.


Let's bury ourselves in music and forget who or what is bothering.

3:30 - 4:00 *Hums*

Another good song.

And Sussch, don't you dare say anything anywhere. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone.
I appreciate what you and others did, but this won't help.

Long time i've posted here

It's been a long time since i posted here. Lots has happened.

At the moment, when writing this, i'm trying to keep my anger at bay. Using it to kill people who i hate in my mind. Yup, i'm a potential villain. Heh-heh.
I know that people say that what good is to kill someone, but on some people just deserve it. And i truly would kill em. To me, someone's death is like nothing to bare.

(Takes a deep breath)... Now, that that is aside, i can go on with topics (even tho my heart still aches).
Just lately i moved an 2L empty coke bottle which stood upright on a carpet and i barely tried. Just out of the blue i did it. And i'm still not amused.

A while earlier i attempted mind control (mom and dad). I hate the sports topic, it's like some ridiculous religion in our family. I feel as i did it for them and when sports comes as topic, they press it on like "YOU MUST DO IT!!!" and when i say "If i want, i'll do it for myself, not you." and then they say "Of course you do it for yourself, not us". Just go f*ck yourselves, ok? I don't give a crap about sports. There's more to the world than this.
Anyways... got sidetracked by anger again. I'm not sure how it went. The speech did get choppy as i was sending the command "Watch TV and shut up" (dad) and "Watch the monitor. You can't hear anything." (mom).

Even earlier, i attempted RV, chakra creation, energy manipulation, OBE and pranayama.

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Apart from all that, i have had some hyper-realistic hypnogogia.
I can't write all of it into forums since i would pretty much steal the spotlight from others and i don't want that. Let them be at the centre of the attention.

The ones  haven't  written yet are the ones that i experienced today. While meditating earlier, i was about to stop then suddenly felt as someone put it's hand on my shoulder. It sorta frightened me.
On the morning, when i woke, i saw a girl (about 9 - 14 years old) standing over my bed, long blond hair. I couldn't see her face, it was hazy. At the morning i sensed something off with her. Now i understand it was anger just as i am feeling right now. I think she was calling me somewhere.

I get the feeling that i soon don't need to talk to anyone anymore. These experiences are getting more often as ever. Infact, i think i'd be happy if i died. I mean that serious--.......... Hold the heck on! I knew who that girl was! She was on my dream too!

The dream was about war. Imagine this is what you see infront of you. Plain fields, rain has just fallen and it muddy. There's barely any living matter around (no trees, plants), barricades set down, cannons and men in arms. A girl was with me. It was as she was taken straight out of an anime. A cute loli (underage girl) with long hair. I was protecting her. She was wearing a dress... a white with pink stripes and flowers. I can't remember her name but i really want to say something with "C" or "K". No idea. Soon after, the place was overrun with enemies, we ran inside (into barracks). I lost her for a moment when i see an enemy and overhear him saying something really disgusting. He wanted to rape her. I waited until he would drop his guard... sneaked behind and hit him with a massive wood plank. He collapsed. We sneaked outside and the scenery was different. It was green. Literally, everywhere where you could see was green with life. Trees and flowers. As if we had stepped through some kind of a portal. The people looked like war fugitives and farmers. They were very helpful. We escaped. The dream ended with me and her holding hands.

Could it be possible that i somehow dragged her into this reality? Well, let's hope not.

I can't remember my latest dreams. I have no memory of them. To be exact, i can't remember 2 dreams. But i've experienced 2 Deja vu's. Coincidence? I doubt it.



I want to get out of this reality somehow. I feel as i'm a side-character in my own life, so i hide in games where i can be someone else. Dreams are where i can really be me.

But what's even more annoying, I find nothing interesting in this world. It's as i'm reliving my life. I already know everything. Even when living daily life, from time to time i know what awaits me, but when i try change it, it fails. It's just as my destiny is already written in stone. It's annoying. Frustrating.


Just let this pain and sorrow end... somehow. I want something to happen. Something that would allow me to live in my dreams.  I'm just a pointless person right now. Just a nobody.

Those who seek death are forced to live, those who seek life, die. Ironic, isn't it?

Think of rockstars, celebrities. They die young. And those useless nobodies like me live so freaking long. It's a darn torture.

In overall, this world has nothing to give or take. All it is, is just a place to stay.