An odd night (31.03.2014)

Two stories took place this night.... and at daytime.

Night

First, mine:
I wake up around 3am, having really ill feeling at solar plexus. It felt like wanting to puke, without the puke part. It just felt really ill and torturous. I managed to suppress this feeling, fell asleep.

Mom:
(Told me this dream): It was night and i was standing next to the living room couch, where she was sleeping. She "woke" up to me standing next to her. When she asked "what's wrong?", I said that the skin on my head feels really itchy and is shrinking. She just said to this:"Go to sleep, i got a few hours to sleep til morning".

(She claimed that it was around 4am, also describing the experience to be extremely realistic.)


Day

I went to take a bath, do the usual stuff. While doing all this, mom had asked if i was in bath. I never heard it. Coming out, went to take the hair dryer, she was sleeping on the bed, yet i never saw her. When i was drying my hair, she went to bathroom and I stood there like i had seen a ghost. I said nothing, blinked my eyes to be sure that i am actually seeing it. For the whole time she was in bathroom, i was considering the possibility of it just being hallucination. When she came out, i immediately asked:"Since when'st are you home??". She also claimed that when i was in bath, she came home. I never heard the door closing (there's not like even 5m to the door! We live in an apartment where you can practically hear every scratch).

After all that, she said that she saw this weird dream. I said that maybe it was an OBE and maybe the one you saw, wasn't me. I told her that it may have looked like me, but did it feel like me? She just shaked her head and said she was pretty sure, that it was me.


Wow... just wow. That's one crazy day.

Side-note: Lowered awareness and control over body. Still can't see aura around myself. Mom's got a fever.

Edit: Forgot that i noticed a "cat-scratch" in a form of tears (i got a weird thing that my skin separates from flesh from some places, causes these "tears". Not as a cry tear, as a tear tear.)

Spring flies are fun + No aura?

I've been recently noticing that i cannot see my own aura. The only thing i see is either light or dark around my hand, that's all (well, except for etheric field, that i can see always everywhere).

Also, flies are fun. Especially the spring ones.

Such a random post, lol.

Dream log: Left behind

Dream starts from the point where i join a cult. They were hanging out in some sort of old ruins. It was fairly green and bumpy land. They didn't set any rules for except, not to harm others with your own power (unless attacked). I was given a ring. This ring has the ability to manipulate water. There was 3 of us in total. We went to a city (building looked fairly tall. Around 3 storied buildings? Made of wood and some of stone). It was winter. Since the other two went to do things and i had nothing to do, i tried out the ability. I picked up some snow and made it into a ball of snow. I melted it, while attempting to retain it's form, then froze it so much that when i threw it in air, it blew into multiple long icicles that rained down.
Then came a point, where i acquired another ring. I'm not sure from where, but not from the cult. We were heading back and someone had joined us. I asked if he knew anything of it. He looked surprised and said "this ring looks like from eastern lands! I've never seen one (apparently, the eastern cults had all died out... somehow) myself, but i think this ring had the ability to control people's thoughts and amplify them. That also means yours".
Not long, we were walking and i was always falling behind. I kept running to close them, yet again i fell behind. Soon the cap was so huge that i had a momentary fear of being left behind. I forgot that i had the ring... my head gets really dizzy, i collapse to the ground, trying to control this feeling. They run back, but i already managed to get control of it. From that point, i had an idea. No... a will. I used the thought control to control the other rings power to create a different power. I immidiately tested this, and i was capable of getting fire, lightning, water, TK and even combine all of them. That's where this dream ends.


Dream 2: Continuation?

Not quite sure how this one started but it had a similar storyline to it. I attempted to create fire around my hand from pure energy. Interestingly, i did learn a form of deeper concentration due to it. At first, i tried to force it, which yielded low results. With concentration, i first started to see smoke/steam coming off around my hand, and soon, those smokes formed into colorful flames. But the thing was, the more i concentrated, the bigger they got. Soon they were nearly the height of the ceiling and i had to stop.

---

(14:58)

Forgot to mention that i saw 2 shooting stars yesterday. One was barely noticable, but there was a clear tail to it. You know... the smoke/wave thing behind it?

Update of 28.03.2014

It's my mom's birthday. I hate birthdays. Way too much people, way too much noise. But it's ok for as long as i don't have to step out of my room or anybody coming to bother me.

I hate birthdays because i think it's more like saying "Good job. You successfully managed to live another year". Not to mention them being utterly pointless.

Physics teacher took up the conversation about the Estcube-1 i talked about (yup, even told a little about what Sussch and the others do (I kinda pointed at you when i wrote the short ... thingy). Don't go think i'm not reading your posts or am not informed of what's going on (maybe not everything, but fairly much). ;)
When they asked how i know you it took quite the while to come up with a good answer since i didn't want to refer to 'you-know-what' stuff. So i said "We sorta have common interests".

There's been a few weird things going on. The LCD tv we have, is always crackling when i'm going to PC. Some sort of discharge?
Sitting at the kitchen, flurocent light on, something shadowy drops to the right and right after it you could hear scratching sound from the light. Mom was there and she was curious as well.

Watched sone weird anime about love triangle. I felt really disgusted and mortified. Lets call em male1 and male2. And there was this girl. This girl was a couple with male1 but was a sex-mate with male2. Male1 was spying on what she was doing and found out. He didn't do anything. Also, the girl never loved him so the male1 simply decides to keep acting.
I felt really sick and closed the tab. I even cleared history...now i can't remember what it was called. Either way, i think this kind of thing is more painful than simply told straight to the face that 'i don't like you, sorry'. That's not even painful... i don't even have words to describe how awful it is. I don't know why, but it seriously inflicted some real damage to me (guess it's like saying "you'll never get your loved one").

Was thinking of drawing a life-size anime character on the wall.

---

(23:22)

Watched Kara no kyoukai's first movie again. I just love their intro song.
It's funny, that most people don't have an idea what this anime movie is about. Knowing that somehow leaves me... empty. Sad. Alone.

I'm now certain that the depression is caused by something i'm not supposed to know/remember. With certain external stimuli combination, i keep remembering bits of places i never knew of. It's like cracking a code without actually cracking it. You let it be cracked. Even though i only get a picture or the sensation for a brief moment, it's enough to do collateral damage to my mood. I'm writing this because i'm experiencing.

Combination: Smells of other people + Above song
Picture: An old house in the middle of nowhere, on top of a small hill. Green grass with golden sunshine. The house is made of wood. Inside lives no one, but was habited by an old woman. Completely alone. Waiting for something. Inside i see old cupboard, covered in dust. There lies a rocking chair to the left of it. Golden light shines in from the right, illuminating with it's rays, as if she is still sitting there... waiting, with sad eyes that stare into the nothingness.

(The "depression" has got weaker, but is still there. Total mood kill. But somehow, i feel as i've known her)

A post of pure boredom

It's so boring. It's lunch break and i didn't go again. Not to mention sitting here for 4 hours without doing anything, but playing Wolfenstein: ET.

And now... 3 to go.

Update of 26.03.2014

Don't know why, but i sometimes get tired real suddenly. It's as if my energy has been zapped away (although, the glow remains).

Have been doing some minor pentesting at school (scanning for holes etc. Anything except attacking). I really can't do anything major since i already am being feared as i am (due to teeny-tiny things).

Got BackBox Linux with persistence working again... somehow. Last time i tried, it simply crashed half-way at loading X environment. Somehow, without touching it at all, i got it to work. No idea how.

Had a few dreams, mainly focusing on imagination. Creation and destruction through it etc.
(*Is too tired to write any*)

Haven't had any OBE's. Well... i had one but it quite wasn't either. Don't really know what exactly keeps going wrong. Maybe it doesn't. Who knows.. (*scratches head*)

One thing i do know. I'm gonna start using gif's to make it a bit more amusing to read these dull posts.

Well, whatever. I'm off to bed.

Idea

I'm thinking of making a short very dark manga based on my dreams and life.

 

The main story follows a boy who is haunted by his madness. He has no one to talk to. He chaces a dream, what he will most likely won't achieve, yet doesn't give up. The plot takes place in both dreams and in reality. Also, the way the environment acts, will be extremely the same like in current reality.

The goal is to write down my everyday thoughts and emotions, while attempting to improve my drawing skills. I will attempt to draw using the places i usually go to (school, home, outside etc).

I'm unsure how i shall start it, but i'll think that later.

Just some random drawings

This one's pretty much a discarded project due to my incapability to draw "cat-paw" hands. It was one of the first ones when i started drawing with graphics tablet too.

Just some a random eye test (as well, unfinished, because i got bored)

Wonder what i should draw next... i got seriously no idea.

A sense of emptyness

The 'depression' has been acting up again. No matter how much i seal or take an attempt to understand it, i haven't got anywhere. Do i really not belong to this reality or am i just an anomaly?

Had a fairly long talk about it with my mom. She keeps suggesting to go to a psychiatric. I keep telling her, that it will get me nowhere. Even if she will write anti=depressants, it's not a solution. It's the same like with other drugs. I will develop immunity towards them, and in overall, i hate taking drugs. They simply don't seem to work on me, not to mention of me getting bored of taking them.
Mom even suggested going to a psychic. I started laughing. If I cannot understand what is going on, why do you think that someone else will?

By the feel of it, it feels as it's something i'm not supposed to touch... yet. It's like something ridiculously powerful is locked away and the seals are deterioating, which causes me this... feeling. It's difficult to describe. It does not originate from the physical body. It's clearly coming from something else.

Another thing is, that whenever i try to understand or become it, the feeling stops and disappears for a while, but not for long. Meanwhile it's not there, i feel... empty. Like something important has been taken away. It's strange. I can't simply understand this one bit.


Can't remember what i saw in the dream, yet know i saw something. I even repeated it over once i woke just for the sake of remembering it. I guess it wasn't of anything important.

Haven't been drawing for 3 days now. Got no inspiration. Not even for modeling. Played guitar, failed epically.

Would like to do a test fire with the potatogun. Haven't had the chance (neighbors home).

//
(Stares at the sky for a while)
//

I really got nothing else to write.

My opinion VS others (20.03.2014)

I don't know why everyone's afraid to be different, and when one's popular different, everyone copies him/her. It's like people can't think for themselves. It's like people pull a mask on before they start the day. It seriously ticks me off, but what seriously frustrates me, is that this "certain person", who is afraid to be different, forces his or her own opinions onto others.

I guess, my parents are a perfect example. When i say, that i want to wear a long coat (kinds like in Matrix or in 'Darker in Black'), they instantly think of something 'cowboy'-ish. One of those with fancy hats and clothes. No. Just NO. I just want a long coat. I don't care what others think, but this is something i would wear daily. I feel like those are perfect clothes for me. Simply some black clothing with a black coat (i love the colors black and white).

This is what they are imagining:

.

This is what I am imagining:

In a way, i think people are just plain idiotic. They follow fashion over what they personally like. I, personally, am fine with being a weirdo. I've already realized that i'm different than others.

___

Also, i think i haven't posted anything i've drawn here... think not. (Shrugs)

Music:

Update of 20.03.2014

Had to write a little about something in physics. I wrote about ESTCube-1. Wanted to ask Sussch about it, but didn't want to annoy him. Either way, it was too late anyways.

While writing, i had a few ideas that made me wonder. The one that bugged me the most, was that "why aren't we using radiation (other than light) to generate electricity (there's always background radiation)?".

Have been seeing odd dreams.
Today, this is what i saw:

I was in a city. Something was going on. It was evening, cloudy (as in about to rain). Then there comes a woman with a gun, no emotions, yet tears flowing down the face. Starts shooting at me. I dodge all 3 bullets she fires, hold the gun, release the clip from the gun. I start walking away, but i forgot, that there's still one more bullet in the gun. She shoots, but luckily misses. I go back and grab the gun from her. I put the clip back in the gun, safety on and into my pocket.
I see a building on fire, soldiers guarding around it. An older man gathers some people, and me, and we sneak past them.

The dream ends there since mom dropped something and it made a lot of noise.

Woke up at night several times, so thirsty. I nearly drank a whole 1.25l bottle of coke. I didn't go to bathroom until after school.

When i went to sleep yesterday, i noticed a flash in the sky. Like a camera flash from far away. Wonder what was that.

OBE's sorta failed. Did get OBE vibes for a second, then gone. After that, all i saw was images, those were not even vivid.


Well, that's about what has happened...

Update of 18.03.2014

Another update.

If there's something that annoys me, it's when people disturb (that means even appearing anywhere near me) when i'm doing something. Can't you understand that, in order to learn more efficently, i need to lower all other senses and commands that are not related, to near zero. Simply you being there disturbs me so greatly, that all this, is lost. And yes, if you do happen to disturb me, i will be seriously angry (I won't start yelling, but i'll be hostile towards you. That means inflicting damage with words with a cold expression).
This applies at most when i'm drawing or playing guitar (accordingly to music just by hearing alone. This narrows my awareness only to around me. I barely notice any movement at all). I don't need your thoughts or emotions to distract me from what i'm doing. This is a instant killswitch for me. Especially when i'm bad at something.

...(Takes deep breath and sighs)...

Tomorrow's an annoying day. 6 computers and 2 English'es. Another day completely wasted on nothing. I wish i could be at home and do what i want.

Been having a bit strange dreams. Can't quite remember them, but they feel different.

Took an afternoon nap. Saw a dream where i was outside at summer. Sitting on a tractor-wheel sandbox. Was holding my touchpad and i was just finished. Turned off the screen and noticed, that there are heat distortions going off above it. I instantly thought it was on fire. I looked everywhere, sliding my hand all over it, hoping to extinguish them. Nothing. It ended, but it had slightly melted, but it still seemed to work. I just nervously laughed for a moment, looked how bad it is, then accepted it.
There have been other dreams quite similar to it. In a way, i guess i'm a little worried of it breaking.

Since it's still 23:45, i shall spend at least 2 hours on OBE. I really do hope i'll be able to pull it off.

Can't. Sleep.

After waking up from dreams at midnight, i had so much that bothered me, that i was unable to sleep. After few hours, i said in my mind:"Enough, time to sleep". I did. Saw some more weird crap.

There are points that i really WANT to write down, but cannot remember what. I just have this strong urge that i saw something really important, yet cannot remember.

Another night went by drawing random things (and on a certain one, i failed to draw hands for the 3-rd day straight. *Sighs*).
Noticed, that the color red, over-exposes my eyes much more than any other color. I remember how i thought how i was beginning to hate the color red.

Fail-proofing my potatogun

I can't quite actually use it here. Neighbors are old hags who whine about every small pop (well, not the small...).

Decided to use bolts and nuts to join the joints (due to on wednesday, i shot a cucumber way over to the other houses, while the 'closing thing' from the back blew off with a huge bang. Ears were ringing for quite the while).
Now, there's no way a simple cucumber will blow the back cover off (or any of the joints that matter). I used cucumber just for the matter that even if i do accidentally shoot at something, it will obliterate into pieces.

In overall, it should shoot a fairly long distance.

Using bolts to secure the joints.

The size of it. Was thinking of making it longer, but then it wouldn't probably have enough power to shoot.
By alone, it generates a strong enough shockwave to nearly blast our old windows off. That without aiming at them at all.

A cucumber ready to be shot.

A hole for igniting the sprayed (and evaporated) alcohol. (the thing needs a preheat for it to work at it's fullest. Can be achieved by lighting some alcohol without the backcover on)

And yeah, i know. My rooms a complete mess. I can't stand cleaniness. I need everything to be messy in order to put together many thoughts. :P

A strong construct

I had some free time, so i created a construct to kill off the pain that comes from heart chakra (the one that creates depression).
I meditated (today is another world-wide meditation day, did you know?), focusing on first erasing all thoughts, then reliving the dreams where i hugged someone and felt all of the problems go away. When the effect was on quite strongly, i directed most of this feeling into a crystal that i wear (i use it for storing energy in a form of a chakra, meanwhile this crystal itself is surrounded by a construct, that gathers, generates the energy of those certain chakras, and stores it while some of the energy goes to the construct itself). Those energies are drawn by remembering the feeling (it amplifies the energy, which is being used).
It worked quite well. When i felt this pain, i recalled the feeling of being hugged, and a moment later, i could feel my chest warm up and pain slowly going away.

I'm not sure how much energy i have stored in this crystal. The ones i remember are wind, snow, lightning, rain, stasis, meditative state and now hugging. That's... 7 different types of energy.
Funny thing is, that for a while, i didn't use it for quite long time (since summer). When i started wearing it, i focused on the summer, when it was really stormy. I imagined releasing some of 'wind' and it did get really windy for the rest of the day.

Also, the thing is with this thing, whenever certain type of energy is being repeated, it absorbs it (unless from me). Whenever it is being radiated, i can sense it (like for example, wind moving).

In a way, i guess you could say, that it has a personality.

Changing again.

I'm mutating again. My heart has took as default to go under 60bpm while sleeping or in relaxed state (i checked it on clock. The beat and tick were synced). Influencing does not work at that stage.

Another thing: I have difficulty understanding things. If i look at text or something, sometimes, i cannot understand it. Vision is just fine. If i close my eyes and rest for a while, i can understand again. It's like once i couldn't see text at all. All i saw was a blank paper.

More. I have strong control over what i can change. My will is stronger. I feel as i can change myself completely, yet don't really need to.

Most of the day, i've felt as i have a tail, wings and horns. Also, forearms feel strange as well. I think it would be cool to have wings and a tail. :P


I'm confused which feeling is correct. The good, or the ill one. I use the good one, but it goes exactly the opposite for some reason. Hmm...


Can't remember today's dream. I know i had one, but what?

Found it funny how people whine over the weather. If it's too sunny, they whine. If it's raining/snowing, they whine. If it's windy or quiet, they whine. What a stupid thing this human is... learn to appriciate it.

I get the feeling as something wants to speak with a loud voice. It's tired of me being quiet all the time.

The images that pop up from time to time are kinda annoying. They come and go, never knowing, what i actually saw.

Dream: Planets? Aliens?

(Straight to the dream)
I was at home, staring outside. It was cloudy. On weather news, they promised stormy weather. I keep staring outside, as if knowing, that one that, something will come from there.
Time goes on. It's night. I see something. First, it was rather dim light, but then keeps getting brighter. Soon, the whole sky is filled with lights. Galaxies in various colors, planets. Some of them were so close, that it would fill most of your view.

Dream changes. I went outside. The old building near the local sauna was torn apart. Some places burnt to crisp (it did once caught fire, it was quite beautiful. When i woke up, i saw tons of little sparks flying, like one of those fountain fireworks. I even had some pictures of it). When i was inside, it was still OK. I decide to go look around there. I found something strange... a syringe with glowing green stuff. Soon, i was running away due to them wanting it. I was trapped. I had nowhere to run. I did something out of the ordinary. I injected myself with it (the tip of the syringe was around half of the size of your pinky). Not only the injection hurt, the liquid did as well. I mean A LOT. When i opened my eyes, i was floating in midair, the men who were chasing me, gone. No idea what had happened.

And that's where me memory cuts off. There are still images of some stuff happening, but i'm not sure how or where to fit them.

Funny thing is, that i've been injected with various chemicals before (in dreams). Said that it's for my "own good". Still don't realize what's it about.

Imagination: Restart.

I'm usually really bad at drawing from different perspective (like from side etc.), not to even mention creating equal proportioned body parts, but i decided to generate a model in my head, separate them into pieces and assign different shapes depending on size. Big body parts = circle, smaller = oval or stripes. Joins = small circles.
Now, it would be composed of these main elements:

• Head = 1 (variable size)
• Neck = roughly 0.8 times smaller
• Chest = around 0.1-0.2 times bigger than head)
• Stomach = size of the head
• Hips = around the size of 'chest'

If perspective changes (assuming that it's rotating around object) on X axis, change the size of the model roughly 0.5 times smaller, unless viewing from front or back. Draw circles as ovals instead.

If on Y, then change the size of lower objects to smaller.

After thinking over this and putting it into use, i came out with something like this (this was a fairly fast sketch):

I think i'm gonna use this for future projects.

Edit: The hell? I already finished and published this post, what's it still doing as a draft?

Drawing + Dream log + General

You guessed it. I got my graphics table. Tested it out in various ways. Works great.
Drawn already various things, discarded a lot. Still, it's fun in it's own way. Fingers hurt.
I did this one for a while. Just to get used to the thing and get some basic imagination going again:

---

Had a dream... well, not sure. It was sorta mix of OBE and dream. Funny thing. Experiencing OBE twice didn't wake me up. Only half-conscious.

At evening, had several times the feeling of 'about to get sucked into OBE state'. I was OK with it. Never did. Dang.

My eyes are getting really f'd up. Not in a normal way. I mean like there is always this blue glow to things. Black isn't black. Looking at bright objects, blinds and leaves the blinded spot for a good while. Got to get a pair of sunglasses. Not to even mention shadows and glowing stuff randomly appearing and disappearing. It really does fuck with your senses. With all this crap going on, it's getting difficult to focus on what's real and what's not. Like when i watch to the right of my monitor (there's a wall there), i can focus on these 'strings' and particles. Well, whatever.

... (sits here, doing nothing) ...

Yeah... wanted to say something else... now i can't remember what. Oh well. Off to sleep.

Memory and Forgetting (podcast)

Someone (John Davison) posted this on Koding. I think it's pretty interesting:
http://goo.gl/doZwlu

Really makes you wonder, if "fiction" really is fiction. Maybe, it really has happened.

Here's the podcast:

Koding...coding?

Was bored at school. Facebook and 9gag were blocked (didn't feel like studying, not that there even was anything really). Tried bypassing them in various ways. Classmate had a few ideas but they failed as well. We attempted using proxy and VPN. Nope. Got to think of a way to wake a computer with LAN so i could access it with Teamviewer and set up multiple sessions.

Well, when all this failed, i thought would it be possible to set up an online virtual machine and use remote connection. I stumbled upon a cool site called "Koding". It supports various types of coding and has an OS (ubuntu, i think? Not sure) ready to go (well, not the GUI part, but should be able to think that out).
I left mine to install VNC. Should be able to get through like that? Not sure. I'm just messing around.

But yeah, worth a check! It even supports "teamwork" (people can work on one project together).

Koding

Taking drawing to another level

I brought a graphics table. Should arrive around monday/tuesday. It's nothing special, but gets stuff done.

Speedlink Arcus XL

I guess this makes me feel a little bit happy? That i'm able to do things on the same level as others?


Some fast melodeath:
Soilwork - The Living Infinite

Broken

So, finally, it has went so far that people are starting to suggest going to a psychiatric. I will not go since i do not trust them (i don't trust anyone). I doubt they can do anything at all. All they'll do is point a finger at an asylum.

As long as i have a shred of hope and will, i won't give up. I've lost all hope and trust in people. I want to be alone. I'm fine with being different.


Some music:
Katatonia - Discouraged ones

Fading indeed...

 People manage to make me furious lately. Just because i don't say anything doesn't mean I'm angry, and asking 'Why are you angry' is only going to make me more. Mom did this and I said with an angry tone:"If you don't understand something, then keep your nose out of it". There are points where i am in sync with a lot of dimensions and do not wish to be disturbed, since then there's a high probability of causing unintentional PK (in massive size). Simply walking home like that had all the lights pulsing around me. So please, mind your own business.

(Not to even mention, still being somewhat in sync later. Sitting on the floor, staring at one point. "Dad" said that i should learn to know myself. Know what? Fuck off. I know myself very well and I'm very conscious about my decisions and actions.)

I seriously have started hating people who don't understand, yet still meddle in other's affairs. I feel like i want to erase them from existence.


*Sighs*, I haven't been under stress lately. Nothing has happened, yet I'm changing.  I want to be alone. More than ever. I mean like not speaking or even encountering people at all.

Classmates were a pain in the ass. Wanted me to join the "Noor Meister" competition. I rejected. After 2 lessons of annoying me (2 + 2 teachers), they gave up. Good riddance. I got better to do with my time than that.


Had an unintentional OBE in a dream. Wanted to speak to a dead monk. Never made it.

The dreams have been much deeper. 7 hours is now sufficient for full rest. The wake up is more difficult, though. Simply opening eyes feels like looking at the sun and it was rather dark (i have dark blue curtains, so barely any light comes in. Most is blue, but even that's so little).


I'm considering on concentrating more on PK and stuff from now on. I feel different. Perhaps i am fading.

Confession 1: Anime

I remember my childhood, where i truly believed in pokemon's existence. When my mom said that they don't, i cried, looking out of the window for hours. I was truly broken. I REALLY loved Pikachu. I wanted one. I would've done anything.

It's funny. I still stand at the same spot. I love anime from the bottom of my heart, and truly do believe, that they do exist somewhere. I simply deny giving up. I usually give things up in the first 5 minutes. It actually makes me embarrased to say it, but i've loved a "certain" character since 2008. That's... 6 years! Stubborn, but dedicated, eh? (*Laughs and internally cries at the same time*). Any other person would've probably given up already.

I remember every anime character i have watched. I SWORE that i would remember them, even if they are fiction or cannot speak to us. I WILL NOT FORGET.


Here's something for you to think about. There's infinite amount of planes of existence, meaning, that on some of them, you are anime, that people love. So take time, wave to them!

6 hours straight of Blendering

Yesterday night was tiring.  I'm still modeling the female.
Done:

• Hands (finally!)
• Primary body dynamics (Non-altering, places where gravity affects the most, that is, the chest area, so it wouldn't float in midair)
• Base mesh for clothes [Cloth modifier] (needs upper one for more realistic look)
• Big glitches in mesh. Removed 90% of errors (tris, ngons, 6-points etc.)

Still things to do:

• UV mapping + texturing (don't forget to use SSS skin. Make maps for clothes)
• Fix minor mesh issues
• Make a fair head (or download a basemesh and modify it, i really don't have enough time for it).
• Rig it (Full rig, not just some basic one)
• Constant body dynamics? (That chest, rear and various of other places like muscles wouldn't be all stiff during various animations. Might add that one, just depends if i have enough will for it)

I will post some pictures once i'm done with major stuff. Might even post the whole model.


On another note, i'm feeling pretty great right now. I still do sense it, but it's all good right now.

Playing with energy was pretty fun too.

Virus

I fucked up. My PC got a virus, now i'm reinstalling Win 7 (just in case that there will be no backdoors or files).

Well, to tell the truth, i'm feeling better. I sense less guilt in me.

Reminder to self: Don't open weird files no matter how curious you are. Do an online check on the file just to be sure.


Other than that, i will be going to the local doctor next week. This depression thingy is getting way out of hand. See if i can get some anti-depressants.
 Redirected most of the negativity on expressing (through playing guitar). That nearly killed all of it (at point, i even was crying without noticing it myself. Tears coming down the face. I was quite confused. Subconscious  emotions? Never even heard of that before. I've heard of suppressed thoughts and emotions)