Straight from the dream, i already noticed, that today was somehow really dark. I, who can easily navigate in the dark, couldn't see! Threw on some clothes, took all the neccesary things and off i went. All the way 'til the school, one thought lingers:" Am i still in a dream?". It was fairly difficult to hold my consciousness, as it felt like it would fade away in matter of seconds.
The whole feel to the world is ... different. I feel like i had stumbled upon a dream from my childhood. Something is repeating, something that I already know, yet what?
The dream i saw, was a bit strange one. We were riding a bus ... me and mom. I noticed strange thunderclouds, which looked more like tentacles that cloud formation. It's as if they were cables, ran across the city. For some reason, i said:"If you get electrocuted, don't resist. Let it flow". Was I waiting for it? And it happened. Everyone on the bus is getting electrocuted, while me... i'm fine. I'm used to getting shocked from the lightning. As everyone was being electrocuted, the lightning which hit me became red. I told mom the same thing twice, of which i had earlier -- "Let it flow". She became partially red too. The lightning stopped, but everyone's still stunned, including the driver. I keep waiting, hoping for the driver to regain his senses, but it didn't until i took the wheel at the last moment, when it was about to hit the oncoming wall. Everyone suddenly starts yelling at the driver: "Stop! Hit the damn brakes!" and he does as if he was in a grumpy mood.
We exit and run. We hear that a third class warning had been issued (tornado?). Running through a nearby gate (which my mom apparently knew),i nearly got in, as everything went to a lockdown.
Then it's just a lot of running around to get into some broken mansion (again, yes, again). They want to crawl through some sort of tunnel, but when i'm pointed that way, there's nothing there. It's just a wall.
Weird. Just weird, and i still feel weird.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Unbecoming
Something worth noting.
Yesterday, I went to sleep at 16:00... I was pretty tired. Slept, saw some dreams - all normal. Woke up at 23:00 where i felt the urge to check my mail, to see if I had got a reply from a certain person. No reply. Little time passes by wondering random stuff. Back to sleep it was.
I remember it taking place at home. Not sure what was the scenario, but it was fairly casual. Something caused a wave in my consciousness, which triggered an OBE. I was still somewhat scared what will happen next, but the state broke and I returned to dream. Curious as I was, I re-attempted. Success, yet nothing happened. A lot of noise, of to which quickly adapted. The state broke again. This time, with cofidense, I jumped back into it. Like previous, it also broke. I tried again and again and again, and at one point, I couldn't tell the difference between if I were in that state or not. If it was reality or not. Out of curiousity, I attempt to erase my consciousness fully. "I do not exist, and I, am merged with everything". As i go for it, it goes so far so quickly, I nearly feel loss of my consciousness. The thought scared me, and I quickly escaped that state.
I woke up due to it. So many things going through my mind, that i'm unable to go back into this strange 'OBE' state.
At the morning, I felt much more aware, as i would usually. The times i jumped back into this state was around 15 (without strangely breaking the dream cycle).
Yesterday, I went to sleep at 16:00... I was pretty tired. Slept, saw some dreams - all normal. Woke up at 23:00 where i felt the urge to check my mail, to see if I had got a reply from a certain person. No reply. Little time passes by wondering random stuff. Back to sleep it was.
I remember it taking place at home. Not sure what was the scenario, but it was fairly casual. Something caused a wave in my consciousness, which triggered an OBE. I was still somewhat scared what will happen next, but the state broke and I returned to dream. Curious as I was, I re-attempted. Success, yet nothing happened. A lot of noise, of to which quickly adapted. The state broke again. This time, with cofidense, I jumped back into it. Like previous, it also broke. I tried again and again and again, and at one point, I couldn't tell the difference between if I were in that state or not. If it was reality or not. Out of curiousity, I attempt to erase my consciousness fully. "I do not exist, and I, am merged with everything". As i go for it, it goes so far so quickly, I nearly feel loss of my consciousness. The thought scared me, and I quickly escaped that state.
I woke up due to it. So many things going through my mind, that i'm unable to go back into this strange 'OBE' state.
At the morning, I felt much more aware, as i would usually. The times i jumped back into this state was around 15 (without strangely breaking the dream cycle).
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Update of 15.10.14
I've decided to stop asking others for help, or anything. Only thing you get from them, is negativity. I will be, as i am. Broken, yet disregarding it, i shall put on a mask. Might even abandon this blog. It's nothing more than just a train of thoughts and emotions.
Won't bother writing anything else, except for this song:
Won't bother writing anything else, except for this song:
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Abandoned
I've forgotten what this annoying feeling felt like. This, of which i call "depression".
The majority of the damage was dealt by the series of dreams. I've HEAVILY restricted my own posts, but kept them... just as a sheer reminder of what and when i'm feeling it.
This, is how it looks like:
The list goes on. You get the idea.
Man... this sucks. I might have somewhat made progress on what causes it.
As you may know, i barely talk. I've cut myself out of all sociability -- BUT! There's this other side of me. It WANTS to be sociable. It wants to help, to make people happy. The reason why i'm restricting it... i guess you could say, that I don't want to feel loss again. The feeling of being left behind. Of being alone. If i got no connections, i cannot feel the loss, but as you can see, it's taking the equivalent toll on it's own. The fact, that nothing will stay as it was... and i guess, i'm terrified of that. Of me staying the same, while everyone goes away. I feel as if i'm a ghost. I'm there in front of everyone, yet no one can see me, nor will stay with me.
// EDIT //
//
ENOUGH.
(deep breath)
Yesterday, i made a Joule Thief and it works great. Runs 6 LED's on full power from a single AA battery.
Today, i attempted to make my own battery. One somewhat worked... It gave out 0.60V which was enough to run 6 LED's with JT (Joule thief) dimly. The other one which i made out of an high -voltage electrolyte cap, failed. It only gave out 0.30V, then had dropped to 0.20V.
Tomorrow, i shall go to the pharmacy story and see if I can get some Epsom salts to make a crystal battery.
We'll see how it all goes. We'll see.
The majority of the damage was dealt by the series of dreams. I've HEAVILY restricted my own posts, but kept them... just as a sheer reminder of what and when i'm feeling it.
This, is how it looks like:
The list goes on. You get the idea.
Man... this sucks. I might have somewhat made progress on what causes it.
As you may know, i barely talk. I've cut myself out of all sociability -- BUT! There's this other side of me. It WANTS to be sociable. It wants to help, to make people happy. The reason why i'm restricting it... i guess you could say, that I don't want to feel loss again. The feeling of being left behind. Of being alone. If i got no connections, i cannot feel the loss, but as you can see, it's taking the equivalent toll on it's own. The fact, that nothing will stay as it was... and i guess, i'm terrified of that. Of me staying the same, while everyone goes away. I feel as if i'm a ghost. I'm there in front of everyone, yet no one can see me, nor will stay with me.
// EDIT //
//
ENOUGH.
(deep breath)
Yesterday, i made a Joule Thief and it works great. Runs 6 LED's on full power from a single AA battery.
Today, i attempted to make my own battery. One somewhat worked... It gave out 0.60V which was enough to run 6 LED's with JT (Joule thief) dimly. The other one which i made out of an high -voltage electrolyte cap, failed. It only gave out 0.30V, then had dropped to 0.20V.
Tomorrow, i shall go to the pharmacy story and see if I can get some Epsom salts to make a crystal battery.
We'll see how it all goes. We'll see.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Shocks, man!
Playing 'LoadOut' when suddenly it was like i had got shocked from an outlet to my right side of the neck. Freaking hurted like hell. Now i'm freaking dizzy.
Our cat developed some pretty bad illness so he had to go to a doctor for a surgery. It's pretty critical right now. Not only because those assholes here gave false medication, he had it already the day prior. So now, it's been 36h+, while you need to get it to the doctor it in within 12 hours. Since, i concluded the pain was a lot to bear, I created a link to half the pain. I still feel useless. Why am i so helpless?
Well, either way, if cat's gonna live, that's solely up to his will. He has already pushed the limits to nearly 3x the normal.
(rubs eye from dizziness)
Also, the last posts i have wanted to post have been quite negative.
Our cat developed some pretty bad illness so he had to go to a doctor for a surgery. It's pretty critical right now. Not only because those assholes here gave false medication, he had it already the day prior. So now, it's been 36h+, while you need to get it to the doctor it in within 12 hours. Since, i concluded the pain was a lot to bear, I created a link to half the pain. I still feel useless. Why am i so helpless?
Well, either way, if cat's gonna live, that's solely up to his will. He has already pushed the limits to nearly 3x the normal.
(rubs eye from dizziness)
Also, the last posts i have wanted to post have been quite negative.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Information uncontrallability (26.09.2014)
The past night was somewhat frightening.
I woke at random time. Head filled with all kind of thoughs -- So many, that i was incapable of understanding what I was even thinking. Not only that, there was this annoying high pitch sound again (tinnitus, most likely). As i swipe around with my hand, searching for my phone, pictures come and go in less than split second. I finally found it. 2:26. I had only slept for 2 hours. As I attempt to silence my thoughts and fall asleep, there arises a certain image -- It's not going away. A small face, with red eyes. It's smiling. "Alright... i guess, you are a tiny bit creepy", i say in my mind and continue to silence. Instead of silencing my thoughts, I end up concentrating on that face. Every time i managed to silence a mass of thoughts, it came closer. Each time, the smile was even creepier than the last. At one point, the face was fairly close. It's eyes were bleeding -- And then, of all the sudden -- Silence. All i could hear was tinnitus now. My mind was blank for the moment.
As i attempted to fall back asleep, every time, i would wake up with tons of thoughts going on. So, i just lied there, looking at all this stuff that was going through my mind.
When the clock hit around 4, i finally fell asleep, and that due to forcing myself.
Cannot remember any dreams, yet i remember having some.
It felt like thousands of people were speaking with me. Each, and every thought was visualized. In the end, you never understood anything that was going on. It really did feel like going nuts.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Cemetary (19.09.2014)
Yesterday, my electro-acoustic guitar's battery ran out of juice. Went to buy a new a new 9V one today. Since I was already going to shop, i decided to take a small bag to gather berries (not sure what they are in English, but in Estonian, they are called 'viirpuu'). The place where i gather them, is located in the cemetary. I like cemetaries. Nice and quiet, but it makes me dizzy if i stay for too long. Coincidentally, after gathering, I saw a beautiful RED sun. It was completely red. Not orange, nor orange-reddish, but red. I wanted to get a better view, but when i had climbed a small hill, it had mostly set already. Still, nice thing to see.
The day before yesterday, my phone went off at a time i had no alarm at. The two alarms i have are: 7:00 and 7:45. Phone went off at 7:30. Double checked it. Looked at the wall clock... nope, it IS 7:30 and there is no such alarm. Both 7:00 and 7:45 worked as usual. How strange.
Also, the road which leads directly to my home (from cemetary), has this house that i don't like. It's like it wants to possess me. Just being near it feels like someone tries to pull you, turn your head and it makes you really dizzy. Strangely, no effect on mom when we came by that road.
(Not sure if it's connected in any matter, but there are a lot of graves that have been forgotten. Kinda makes you sad when you think about it.)
(Now that i mentioned it, there are noises from time to time coming from thin air. Like footsteps or a wood-branch breaking behind you. When I checked behind, nothing. Didn't feel right to expand my consciousness).
The day before yesterday, my phone went off at a time i had no alarm at. The two alarms i have are: 7:00 and 7:45. Phone went off at 7:30. Double checked it. Looked at the wall clock... nope, it IS 7:30 and there is no such alarm. Both 7:00 and 7:45 worked as usual. How strange.
Also, the road which leads directly to my home (from cemetary), has this house that i don't like. It's like it wants to possess me. Just being near it feels like someone tries to pull you, turn your head and it makes you really dizzy. Strangely, no effect on mom when we came by that road.
(Not sure if it's connected in any matter, but there are a lot of graves that have been forgotten. Kinda makes you sad when you think about it.)
(Now that i mentioned it, there are noises from time to time coming from thin air. Like footsteps or a wood-branch breaking behind you. When I checked behind, nothing. Didn't feel right to expand my consciousness).
Monday, September 15, 2014
Update of 15.09.2014
Purposely missed school today. Why? Had stuff to do like making portable apps and also tried calling that goddamn seller. Not picking up.
Well. Either way. The other classmate (who shouldn't even have to attend to the school, and occasionally doesn't) had something to do with TV3. Screenshot!
That means the 'non-knowing' ones were the only ones at school. I can only imagine their -- excuse-me-for-my-choice-of-words -- 'bitching'. Poor teacher :D
But still, that's a good coincidence that both of us were absent!
Aside of all this stuff, my hands feel electrified. Tingling sensation non-stop since yesterday.
Couldn't sleep either, and saw some more weird ... stuff.
_____________________________________________________________________
20:39
_____________________________________________________________________
While searching the net for more information on application virtualization, i came across this and this NEEDS a good aplaud:
“I do not think people who pirate our software do it because they are bad people, or because they like to steal things. I just think that they decided that they can not afford it,” Adobe’s David Wadhwani said earlier this month when the Creative Cloud launched."
BRA-VO. *Claps*.
THIS(!), is what we wait from people. You, good sir, got my respect.
As of another topic, I sorta sided up with 'The House of Portable' from side-lines. He was having trouble with 'Adobe Edge Animate CC', so i picked that one up myself, due to complete lack of information on that certain app virtualization. After some time, I successfully created one, that ran on clean Win7 and on my current Win 7 (with no registries or install files remaining nor created). I packed it and sent it to him, and asked him to see if it works. He hasn't replied yet (usually replies really late or early). Next one will be 'Adobe Muse CC'.
(The thing is, that they are completely rewritten ones. They do not behave as the others do. If it works, It will be, if not, the only working one in the whole internet.)
(His builds crashed, as did mine, at first. He was saying, that he found no solution. Even I, am not completely sure if it will work on Muse).
Well. Either way. The other classmate (who shouldn't even have to attend to the school, and occasionally doesn't) had something to do with TV3. Screenshot!
That means the 'non-knowing' ones were the only ones at school. I can only imagine their -- excuse-me-for-my-choice-of-words -- 'bitching'. Poor teacher :D
But still, that's a good coincidence that both of us were absent!
Aside of all this stuff, my hands feel electrified. Tingling sensation non-stop since yesterday.
Couldn't sleep either, and saw some more weird ... stuff.
_____________________________________________________________________
20:39
_____________________________________________________________________
While searching the net for more information on application virtualization, i came across this and this NEEDS a good aplaud:
“I do not think people who pirate our software do it because they are bad people, or because they like to steal things. I just think that they decided that they can not afford it,” Adobe’s David Wadhwani said earlier this month when the Creative Cloud launched."
BRA-VO. *Claps*.
THIS(!), is what we wait from people. You, good sir, got my respect.
As of another topic, I sorta sided up with 'The House of Portable' from side-lines. He was having trouble with 'Adobe Edge Animate CC', so i picked that one up myself, due to complete lack of information on that certain app virtualization. After some time, I successfully created one, that ran on clean Win7 and on my current Win 7 (with no registries or install files remaining nor created). I packed it and sent it to him, and asked him to see if it works. He hasn't replied yet (usually replies really late or early). Next one will be 'Adobe Muse CC'.
(The thing is, that they are completely rewritten ones. They do not behave as the others do. If it works, It will be, if not, the only working one in the whole internet.)
(His builds crashed, as did mine, at first. He was saying, that he found no solution. Even I, am not completely sure if it will work on Muse).
Sunday, September 14, 2014
*Sighs* (14.09.2014)
I swear, i will f*** up whoever keeps messing with my life. The row of bad coincidenses is filling my 'hate jar'.
Even I cannot keep my cool for endless time. First, handicapped friend broke my damn headphones. (Sarcastic) GRE~A~T. I wasn't angry, but his freaking poking the topic only made it build up. At one point, I said in an angry tone: "How about you shut up?". Sure, even though he brought new ones -- which I rejected (to prove a point) -- I hate taking something negative even further. I'll find a way to fix it, and that's that. As long as you know you dealt negativy to me, i'll forgive.
And as if that wasn't enough... the mic i brought from a person, seems like one of those fraud-ers. The only thing in my head that goes on, is how to destroy that person's life. *Face palms and takes a deep breath*. Dear person -- You do realize, that i got all information on you. Just one last thing, and i can turn your life into living hell? You better not be one of those assholes, or I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET IT.
I got enough of this bullshit. If everything decides to turn my life upside down, i will reply with the same. What you give is what you get.
And oh -- this isn't the first time life desides to roll up it's middle finger. It's always like this, even though, i usually reply with opposite (good).
... crimeny.
---
Good. Enough with that.
I've had a ton of dreams. Bugs, devils, getting shocked by lightning AGAIN, and more weird stuff. The only reaction I always wake up -- "What the hell was all of this? You know what -- Not questioning it".
Also, don't know why, but whenever we have to study laws and stuff, it's as if I got slapped with a frying pan. Absolutely cannot understand anything at all. My mind goes hazy and words do not make sense anymore. Read as many times as you want -- nothing. After that, i feel as if i'd gone through a brainwash.
Well, least there's one good thing. The other lessons are easy. Like 'free time' easy. We even sometimes play L4D2 with teacher, so that's cool. :)
Even I cannot keep my cool for endless time. First, handicapped friend broke my damn headphones. (Sarcastic) GRE~A~T. I wasn't angry, but his freaking poking the topic only made it build up. At one point, I said in an angry tone: "How about you shut up?". Sure, even though he brought new ones -- which I rejected (to prove a point) -- I hate taking something negative even further. I'll find a way to fix it, and that's that. As long as you know you dealt negativy to me, i'll forgive.
And as if that wasn't enough... the mic i brought from a person, seems like one of those fraud-ers. The only thing in my head that goes on, is how to destroy that person's life. *Face palms and takes a deep breath*. Dear person -- You do realize, that i got all information on you. Just one last thing, and i can turn your life into living hell? You better not be one of those assholes, or I SWEAR I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET IT.
I got enough of this bullshit. If everything decides to turn my life upside down, i will reply with the same. What you give is what you get.
And oh -- this isn't the first time life desides to roll up it's middle finger. It's always like this, even though, i usually reply with opposite (good).
... crimeny.
---
Good. Enough with that.
I've had a ton of dreams. Bugs, devils, getting shocked by lightning AGAIN, and more weird stuff. The only reaction I always wake up -- "What the hell was all of this? You know what -- Not questioning it".
Also, don't know why, but whenever we have to study laws and stuff, it's as if I got slapped with a frying pan. Absolutely cannot understand anything at all. My mind goes hazy and words do not make sense anymore. Read as many times as you want -- nothing. After that, i feel as if i'd gone through a brainwash.
Well, least there's one good thing. The other lessons are easy. Like 'free time' easy. We even sometimes play L4D2 with teacher, so that's cool. :)
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Afternoon dream log: Shocky! (9.09.2014)
So the dream went a little bit like this:
I managed to defy what was supposed to be my "fate" -- which is, get struck by lightning... and die, obviously (I'm aware that a BIG percent actually survive. 90 or something, if i recall right).
Just as i had said "See! You can change your fate!", i sense a lightning behind me (there was a window) and i get struck by it. What seems fairly long time, i decided to resist. I allowed it to freely flow, then sucked a portion of it into myself and discharged the rest of it. The lightning that i redirected was red.
Then there was an after-story to it, where i sorta manifested lightning on my own. I was sorta the antagonist of the story, yet I would still get along with the "heroes".
But man... How many times have i got struck by lightning now? I just recently died from it. Meh.
I managed to defy what was supposed to be my "fate" -- which is, get struck by lightning... and die, obviously (I'm aware that a BIG percent actually survive. 90 or something, if i recall right).
Just as i had said "See! You can change your fate!", i sense a lightning behind me (there was a window) and i get struck by it. What seems fairly long time, i decided to resist. I allowed it to freely flow, then sucked a portion of it into myself and discharged the rest of it. The lightning that i redirected was red.
Then there was an after-story to it, where i sorta manifested lightning on my own. I was sorta the antagonist of the story, yet I would still get along with the "heroes".
But man... How many times have i got struck by lightning now? I just recently died from it. Meh.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Minor changes in life (6.09.2014)
I'm somewhat actually starting to enjoy life. As opposed to previous thoughts, I have been very negative. I'm sure i will argue against myself in the future about what i have written, but this is how i feel right now. So, shut up, future me.
On another note, i've begun to find fun in fear. It's not fear anymore. It's more like the WANT to discover -- overcome ALL obstacles. Still, i do not want to know everything. Don't want to be everything. If it'd be that, it'd be as cheating and i'd give up right away without second thought. There's no fun in knowing everything.
(Though, most things i've seen in my dreams come to life, but never know when, so it's kinda like a thriller. Never know when to expect something, yet you know, that there will be)
As well, i've been seeing lots of 'fear' inspired dreams lately. Yay. Also, I have a feeling that OBE is somewhat starting to open up again. What i haven't written here, is that, about a week ago, i forced myself into OBE state, but i was kinda scared and pulled back, which unfortunately ended the state. Usually, when this OBE-like state begins, i get 'sucked' into it, and then can leave. On this one, it was my own will which allowed it to end.
Now, every time i go to sleep, there's this 'gap'. Will i fall asleep, or will it initiate OBE? That's on my sight right now.
While being on the topic of OBE's. There was a dream of OBE-PK. It felt different from the normal PK that I've experienced.
When i tried to phase through a wall, it didn't quite work. Sorta slammed into it (lol) and there was a lot of interference (head started aching, ringing in ears, kinda lagging motion when attempted to move forward [moved in a teleportation style]).
Now that i've recalled all this, I remember a faint memory of another dream. Not quite sure, though. Something to do with some people... not sure what.
On another note, i've begun to find fun in fear. It's not fear anymore. It's more like the WANT to discover -- overcome ALL obstacles. Still, i do not want to know everything. Don't want to be everything. If it'd be that, it'd be as cheating and i'd give up right away without second thought. There's no fun in knowing everything.
(Though, most things i've seen in my dreams come to life, but never know when, so it's kinda like a thriller. Never know when to expect something, yet you know, that there will be)
As well, i've been seeing lots of 'fear' inspired dreams lately. Yay. Also, I have a feeling that OBE is somewhat starting to open up again. What i haven't written here, is that, about a week ago, i forced myself into OBE state, but i was kinda scared and pulled back, which unfortunately ended the state. Usually, when this OBE-like state begins, i get 'sucked' into it, and then can leave. On this one, it was my own will which allowed it to end.
Now, every time i go to sleep, there's this 'gap'. Will i fall asleep, or will it initiate OBE? That's on my sight right now.
While being on the topic of OBE's. There was a dream of OBE-PK. It felt different from the normal PK that I've experienced.
When i tried to phase through a wall, it didn't quite work. Sorta slammed into it (lol) and there was a lot of interference (head started aching, ringing in ears, kinda lagging motion when attempted to move forward [moved in a teleportation style]).
Now that i've recalled all this, I remember a faint memory of another dream. Not quite sure, though. Something to do with some people... not sure what.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Dream log: Learning stuff, yay! (3.09.2014)
Yesterday, i took a nap and slept from 17:00 to 20:00. Since that was such an energy surge, i stood up 'til 2 in the morning.
What i saw in the dream was a bit strange. I remember something to do with fear (like the fear from my childhood, so that was pretty nostalgic), but what striked odd, was that, this fear was more of an 'excitement'. Kinda like "What's going to happen now? Am i gonna die again? Is something gonna spook up?" Nothing. It subsided.
I woke up just a hour later. "(*not looking at the clock, purely sensing time*) ... about 3 in the morning, eh?... Oh well, back to sleep". Also, at that point of time, i could still feel, that i wasn't completely 'here'. When i closed my eyes, i could see pictures of place where i was, still popping up.
As i fell asleep again, I'm back at the same spot again. The strange 'fear' still lingers, yet i now ignore it. I sit by the other side of the desk of where my boss sat (you know... when you go to work to get experience, that school thingy). I was drawing a house. When i finished, a guy (web designer, he was a cool guy) snatches the paper and draws his own version of it. Barely any time passed, and he showed it to me. "Here. Now THIS, is art". He had drawn one of those anamorphic illusions, and it did look really cool! I could say nothing more than compliment him. He also teached me something awesome:
"Look at the cupboards back there. You can see all kinds of details, but they do not seem unique, do they? (nods). If you look at it, there's a pattern: colors, lines and shapes (mental filtering of similar patterns). If you draw something, that's far away, draw it's shadows mild-sharp, and it's colors pale. If you draw something close-up, you wanna do the exact opposite. Draw it's shadows in a fading form. Even if the object is colorless, add opposing colors to sides. This gives it a more realistic look. For example, if this cupboard were to be pale (imagine in B&W), then add red to the object and blue to shadows. This works on the basis of our light spectrum perception. Just like how sunset's are reddish/orange, and sky blue -- This can be used to create artifical depth."
I'm not fully grasping onto this theory quite yet, but he had some good idea! I'm gonna have to digest this further for a little while.
The after waking, i had some strange dream. Then i slept in, since my phone was drained empty and THEN i had lost the goddamn key to the door. Searched it since 9 in the morning to 15:00. Goddamn sneaky keys... hiding from me.
What i saw in the dream was a bit strange. I remember something to do with fear (like the fear from my childhood, so that was pretty nostalgic), but what striked odd, was that, this fear was more of an 'excitement'. Kinda like "What's going to happen now? Am i gonna die again? Is something gonna spook up?" Nothing. It subsided.
I woke up just a hour later. "(*not looking at the clock, purely sensing time*) ... about 3 in the morning, eh?... Oh well, back to sleep". Also, at that point of time, i could still feel, that i wasn't completely 'here'. When i closed my eyes, i could see pictures of place where i was, still popping up.
As i fell asleep again, I'm back at the same spot again. The strange 'fear' still lingers, yet i now ignore it. I sit by the other side of the desk of where my boss sat (you know... when you go to work to get experience, that school thingy). I was drawing a house. When i finished, a guy (web designer, he was a cool guy) snatches the paper and draws his own version of it. Barely any time passed, and he showed it to me. "Here. Now THIS, is art". He had drawn one of those anamorphic illusions, and it did look really cool! I could say nothing more than compliment him. He also teached me something awesome:
"Look at the cupboards back there. You can see all kinds of details, but they do not seem unique, do they? (nods). If you look at it, there's a pattern: colors, lines and shapes (mental filtering of similar patterns). If you draw something, that's far away, draw it's shadows mild-sharp, and it's colors pale. If you draw something close-up, you wanna do the exact opposite. Draw it's shadows in a fading form. Even if the object is colorless, add opposing colors to sides. This gives it a more realistic look. For example, if this cupboard were to be pale (imagine in B&W), then add red to the object and blue to shadows. This works on the basis of our light spectrum perception. Just like how sunset's are reddish/orange, and sky blue -- This can be used to create artifical depth."
I'm not fully grasping onto this theory quite yet, but he had some good idea! I'm gonna have to digest this further for a little while.
The after waking, i had some strange dream. Then i slept in, since my phone was drained empty and THEN i had lost the goddamn key to the door. Searched it since 9 in the morning to 15:00. Goddamn sneaky keys... hiding from me.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Update of 28.08.2014
Nothing much has happened, except from gaming with handicapped friend. Due to the same reason, i haven't been able record more Call of Cthulhu.
I did copy-draw of Hajime from Hamatora (Re:_ series) out of boredom.
(I have nothing to after 17:00, so i either watch anime, read manga, draw or 'invent' stuff).
Nothing much to say about dreaming. Same old, same old.
I did copy-draw of Hajime from Hamatora (Re:_ series) out of boredom.
(I have nothing to after 17:00, so i either watch anime, read manga, draw or 'invent' stuff).
Nothing much to say about dreaming. Same old, same old.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Update of 23.08.2014
Delivery maaaan! You are grinding my gears. I swear, if you haven't delivered the package by monday, I WILL call the boss and potentially get you in a lot of trouble. You had plenty of time. You made your own rules, which i was generous enough to follow, AND you filed a false report. Don't test my patience. All there is, is dust in the bottom of the jar, and that is about to run out as well.
Prolonged sleep for too long, head aches. Let's see -- I levitated, used PK to make things fly around and made a volcano erupt, brought gales of wind, and attempted to make lightning, which failed. There was something to do with a elevator, not sure what. Something about swimming too. Also, i noticed a different side of myself. When i spoke to my neighbor about how she has changed (mainly in a negative way), she replied with the same. That I don't care of anyone anymore, to which i replied with "I guess, that's true. People change, don't they? I could say the similar to you. I liked the old you, but all that now you are, just reminisces the old one. A sad excuse for a change". Ouch. I said all that like i was sipping a cup of coffee on a friday's evening (eg. like it was nothing, completely naturally). I can't do that usually, unless i REALLY know someone.
Though, i did meet another Psion. He accelerated the movement of clouds. It was like the clouds started sailing. It was awesome.
Prolonged sleep for too long, head aches. Let's see -- I levitated, used PK to make things fly around and made a volcano erupt, brought gales of wind, and attempted to make lightning, which failed. There was something to do with a elevator, not sure what. Something about swimming too. Also, i noticed a different side of myself. When i spoke to my neighbor about how she has changed (mainly in a negative way), she replied with the same. That I don't care of anyone anymore, to which i replied with "I guess, that's true. People change, don't they? I could say the similar to you. I liked the old you, but all that now you are, just reminisces the old one. A sad excuse for a change". Ouch. I said all that like i was sipping a cup of coffee on a friday's evening (eg. like it was nothing, completely naturally). I can't do that usually, unless i REALLY know someone.
Though, i did meet another Psion. He accelerated the movement of clouds. It was like the clouds started sailing. It was awesome.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Questions, and no answers. (20.08.2014)
Many drafts, many emotions put into them. Discarded. Gone unheard.
As i was reading 'Bible of the Undead', variety of emotions popped up. One point, i wanted to drop the book. Then it got interesting, then it again got boring.
What is the only thing I CAN'T STAND, is being oblivious of other possibilities. You can't go around and say:" Hey, discard anything that you knew before. Here. You now follow this -- This is truth". There is no single truth. There are no such things as 'truth' and 'false', 'good' and 'bad'.
Another thing that constantly annoyed me was the word 'God'. Anything's better than that! Call it, for example 'mother', due to mom/child (universe/soul) alike relationship. The word itself already sounds different, unlike 'God'.
I actually remember a faint memory of what he spoke of.
Lets see of what i dreamt of today?... I had my stomach cut open, so i sewed it together, something about powers, a dream where i was sleeping and a bat flew in from the window, startled me awake, and a lot more.
Yeah, i'm not gonna read Bible of the Undead until the clashing emotions have calmed down. Until i can concentrate with no emotion.
As i was reading 'Bible of the Undead', variety of emotions popped up. One point, i wanted to drop the book. Then it got interesting, then it again got boring.
What is the only thing I CAN'T STAND, is being oblivious of other possibilities. You can't go around and say:" Hey, discard anything that you knew before. Here. You now follow this -- This is truth". There is no single truth. There are no such things as 'truth' and 'false', 'good' and 'bad'.
Another thing that constantly annoyed me was the word 'God'. Anything's better than that! Call it, for example 'mother', due to mom/child (universe/soul) alike relationship. The word itself already sounds different, unlike 'God'.
I actually remember a faint memory of what he spoke of.
"You will hear a gentle sound almost below the level of awareness not unlike tiny wavelets upon a beach at night, soothing like a true Aeolian harp, like Chinese wind bells, cheering, exciting. You will not be afraid. You will not be alone, but sheltered, protected and cared for as you were in your mother's womb. You will be aware of an effulgence of love surrounding and being a part of your very being so great, that you will find yourself saying the ultimate of prayers, gratitude to the Being of whom you are integral part".
I remember floating above earth. It felt like someone had her arms wrapped around me from behind. A "thank you" from the heart and that's it. I cannot remember anything besides that.
STILL. I will not take likely the fact that i'm being used as a toy by someone. I will get to the bottom of this.
I remember floating above earth. It felt like someone had her arms wrapped around me from behind. A "thank you" from the heart and that's it. I cannot remember anything besides that.
STILL. I will not take likely the fact that i'm being used as a toy by someone. I will get to the bottom of this.
Lets see of what i dreamt of today?... I had my stomach cut open, so i sewed it together, something about powers, a dream where i was sleeping and a bat flew in from the window, startled me awake, and a lot more.
Yeah, i'm not gonna read Bible of the Undead until the clashing emotions have calmed down. Until i can concentrate with no emotion.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Update of 17.08.2014
Bored as hell, started thinking up stuff. 3D mics (Instead of one mic, there's numerous cylindrical ones [8], outputs each as track, in my case, 8 of them, should work with USB), improving the tinnitus cure and other stuff. Meh. Nothing great at all, and still bored.
Nothing interesting going on at all... Nope. Nothing at al.
Nothing interesting going on at all... Nope. Nothing at al.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Dream log: "I don't need eyes to see you"
In the dream, i closed my eyes and looked with remote view from my own perspective. I was sorta sleeping next to a highway road (Ieven had a blanket! i was really sleepy, gimme a break lol). As cars and people pass by, at some point, i start to see things. I already knew what was going on, so i stood up and managed to maintain the RV.
There were people who went "You blind man?" and i would just go "I don't need eyes to see. I clearly can see that you have purple hair (don't question it :D ) and a long face, and then just walk away. xD
There was another dude who teached me some stuff (related to PK) that i cannot remember. Well, levitation is easy. Flying is just a projection of a feeling that generates the effect. For example, getting lighter, moving to sides. I don't know why, but i can do anything related to PK or impossible naturally in dreams, yet I fail harder than anyone else in reality.
Another interesting thing. The RV actually causes one to extend a dream atleast twice it's length and to remember things more clearly opposed to regular sight. Don't know what logic (makes more conscious?) it follows, but hey, double the fun!
There were people who went "You blind man?" and i would just go "I don't need eyes to see. I clearly can see that you have purple hair (don't question it :D ) and a long face, and then just walk away. xD
There was another dude who teached me some stuff (related to PK) that i cannot remember. Well, levitation is easy. Flying is just a projection of a feeling that generates the effect. For example, getting lighter, moving to sides. I don't know why, but i can do anything related to PK or impossible naturally in dreams, yet I fail harder than anyone else in reality.
Another interesting thing. The RV actually causes one to extend a dream atleast twice it's length and to remember things more clearly opposed to regular sight. Don't know what logic (makes more conscious?) it follows, but hey, double the fun!
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Update of 14.08.2014
[A draft from yesterday's evening]
Hide/Reveal
The hit from yesterday's evening still lasts. What's worse, is that i watched yesterday the russian extra senses (psychics). I feel so helpless, yet continue to admire such people. I feel envious.
This has really gone far. Now, i'm willing to give my whole being for IT.
I had a dream, where i folded a piece of foil with PK, but it didn't feel like PK. It just happened as i wanted (there was a short delay, though). I didn't feel the object, absolutely no connection. Just pure will.
The dream felt somewhat strange. It was lucid, and at the same time, not.
Hide/Reveal
I don't know know why, but i feel lost again. Who am I? What am I? Why? Frequently, a picture pops up. It's me at a psychic. We sit each at the opposite end of a round table. She has her eyes closed while I stare with a blank emotion, while my soul is half out of my body, attempting to grasp the sky. Then she opens her eyes and looks with a mortified face.
This reality is driving me insane. Stupid box, let me out!
See? This is what i mean by split-personality. I feel as i want to rip my heart out. All of this god damn suffering. Yet then, i wouldn't be myself anymore. I would be empty.
This reality is driving me insane. Stupid box, let me out!
See? This is what i mean by split-personality. I feel as i want to rip my heart out. All of this god damn suffering. Yet then, i wouldn't be myself anymore. I would be empty.
The hit from yesterday's evening still lasts. What's worse, is that i watched yesterday the russian extra senses (psychics). I feel so helpless, yet continue to admire such people. I feel envious.
This has really gone far. Now, i'm willing to give my whole being for IT.
I had a dream, where i folded a piece of foil with PK, but it didn't feel like PK. It just happened as i wanted (there was a short delay, though). I didn't feel the object, absolutely no connection. Just pure will.
The dream felt somewhat strange. It was lucid, and at the same time, not.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Update of 13.08.2014
I think i saw some version of Sussch in my dreams today. Something to do with a motor. He left it on for too long at it sorta flew at us while we hid behind a cupboard lol. Dunno. It was sorta plain dream. Just when i thought i would make a plane crash (at me), the goddamn alarm goes off. Grr. You won this round, alarm.
The dream Sussch didn't match this Sussch. The personality was kinda strange. Kinda boss-y like. Oh well.
Yesterday night, I played guitar. Again, 00:00. It always falls on that time.
When i plugged everything in, there was strange noise. It was as if someone was whispering something, but the background noise was too big. Tried moving the cable around. Nothing. Turned volume up and down and then it was gone. Odd.
I've come to the conclusion that I have some sort of split personality with bi-polarity case. As my mood changes, my personality changes tremendously. When i play games, i'm totally outgoing because it's fun. When PK related stuff, i become grumpy (since no emotion and thought, and any disturbance only adds fuel to the fire). Sometimes, even the tiniest things set me off. Especially if the case is hatred, I become to fear myself. Take a gruesome psychopath out of a movie or anime, and that's what you got. I'm not afraid of becoming it, but the fact that I enjoy it and cannot control it.
I'm gonna end this post with a song with a great melody and lyrics (though, needs more growls):
Soulfallen - We are the sand
The dream Sussch didn't match this Sussch. The personality was kinda strange. Kinda boss-y like. Oh well.
Yesterday night, I played guitar. Again, 00:00. It always falls on that time.
When i plugged everything in, there was strange noise. It was as if someone was whispering something, but the background noise was too big. Tried moving the cable around. Nothing. Turned volume up and down and then it was gone. Odd.
I've come to the conclusion that I have some sort of split personality with bi-polarity case. As my mood changes, my personality changes tremendously. When i play games, i'm totally outgoing because it's fun. When PK related stuff, i become grumpy (since no emotion and thought, and any disturbance only adds fuel to the fire). Sometimes, even the tiniest things set me off. Especially if the case is hatred, I become to fear myself. Take a gruesome psychopath out of a movie or anime, and that's what you got. I'm not afraid of becoming it, but the fact that I enjoy it and cannot control it.
I'm gonna end this post with a song with a great melody and lyrics (though, needs more growls):
Soulfallen - We are the sand
Monday, August 11, 2014
Insanity
Personally, I like everything that's different. Everyday crap bores me.
Once (few years ago), i found an anime called 'HIgurashi no naku koro ni'. It totally blew my mind, and still does. The intensity of this anime is just amazing, but what is even better, is the 'insanity'. The character actually creep you out.
By far, this is the only anime that comes close to defining 'insanity', so DO NOT watch it if you can't stand blood (i mean it).
These scenes are nothing compared to the later ones (for example ripping off fingernails).
I love these kinds of anime, i don't know why. :)
Once (few years ago), i found an anime called 'HIgurashi no naku koro ni'. It totally blew my mind, and still does. The intensity of this anime is just amazing, but what is even better, is the 'insanity'. The character actually creep you out.
By far, this is the only anime that comes close to defining 'insanity', so DO NOT watch it if you can't stand blood (i mean it).
(I guess, you could call it a trash-y day.)
These scenes are nothing compared to the later ones (for example ripping off fingernails).
I love these kinds of anime, i don't know why. :)
Friday, August 8, 2014
Update of 8.08.2014
There's a nice red-ish moon tonight, but by now, it has set. From the other side, there's lightning atop the clouds.
This morning wasn't that great. I went to sleep at around 3 in the morning, then got woken by the delivery guy at 7:30. He wasn't supposed to arrive that early. In half-sleep, i threw on some clothes and mindlessly rushed to where he dropped the package off. He left it at a nearby shop. Wasn't sure where exactly, i run around like an idiot. Decided to run back home, in hopes that dad hasn't yet left and locked the door (i didn't take the key or phone). I was lucky... in more than one sense.
The package was actually my handicapped classmate's laptop ( he learns IT... the irony).
Since not knowing practically anything of Win 8, i just randomly did stuff.
Since not knowing practically anything of Win 8, i just randomly did stuff.
What surprised me was that Win 8 has a feature called "reset PC", that 'resets', as if it were to run the first time. Saved me tons of time.
After software and other stuff, i spoke with him. Something amused me what he said. He said that a graduate (whom we played SWAT 4 CO-OP with) called and was angry, that he sent it to me, WHILE i recall the fact, that he himself denied to fix it. ... People these days.
Apart from messing with Win8, there was something strange. I was sitting on a couch (the cupboard glass reflects the image that,s on the computer), and just before mom started doing anything, from the reflection, i saw fiery-ring on a dark-red background. It was only for a split-second, but damn... That's some crazy stuff.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Let's Play: A row of failures
So, i started doing a Let's Play.
First time: Voice not audible.
Second time: Game crash, lose all video footage (1:33 h).
Third & fourth : Forgot to record audio.
Fifth time: Forgot to record video (Recording cancelled due to Alt+TAB).
Decided to stop for today. Also, audio recording seems to have 'jumps' in it. Does not match with video. Gonna try Audacity tomorrow.
All of the times, the length of the time was around 45min (except for 2-nd). At the end of it, I was so frustrated that i couldn't even speak of anything. Not to mention dying every 30 seconds. (Sighs)...
But it's not all bad! I have got better at controlling my voice. It's clearer, yet still not enough. I'm not putting enough energy and emotion into it.
Bah, i;ll try again tomorrow.
First time: Voice not audible.
Second time: Game crash, lose all video footage (1:33 h).
Third & fourth : Forgot to record audio.
Fifth time: Forgot to record video (Recording cancelled due to Alt+TAB).
Decided to stop for today. Also, audio recording seems to have 'jumps' in it. Does not match with video. Gonna try Audacity tomorrow.
All of the times, the length of the time was around 45min (except for 2-nd). At the end of it, I was so frustrated that i couldn't even speak of anything. Not to mention dying every 30 seconds. (Sighs)...
But it's not all bad! I have got better at controlling my voice. It's clearer, yet still not enough. I'm not putting enough energy and emotion into it.
Bah, i;ll try again tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Family, eh?
I never really liked this family. I feel... different, as not from here. One behaves as if he's a god, the other one is simply lets herself be used as an object. Now, at evening, we had acquaintances over again. The one with a child, who keeps annoying me. At a point, this happened:
"Dad" : (from living room -- It's next to my room) "Go give the ball to the boy".
The boy stands at the doorway. I ignore. Then dad comes.
Dad: "He probably can't lift that ball"
Me: "I simply don't have time to deal with you"
Dad: "He's probably scared"
Me: "No. I HATE kids."
Dad: "Then how are you gonna manage, if you have kids?"
Me: "I simply won't have any."
Slight time passes.
Dad: (from doorway) "You know, we used to hate you as a kid, too"
Me: (immediately,without slightest hesitation) "Good to know."
I really don't care, since they don't qualify as a 'family' to me. My handicapped classmate is closer to a family than they'll ever be. I couldn't really give a crap, since the people from dreams are my true family.
The times when i think I've somehow been born in a wrong reality, increases. I want someone to take me far away from this place... or disappear completely.
(Sure, mom can be a pain in the rear, but she somewhat qualifies under 'family'.)
(Sighs). These days it seems, as if strangers are the closest to what you could call a family.
[I don't exactly hate kids. If i were to compare anime children with real children, the only difference would be behaviour and personality. I simply just cannot stand the noise and annoying stuff. Especially the fact, how they are treated 'unique' and then, one day, just forgotten. This place is broken.]
"Dad" : (from living room -- It's next to my room) "Go give the ball to the boy".
The boy stands at the doorway. I ignore. Then dad comes.
Dad: "He probably can't lift that ball"
Me: "I simply don't have time to deal with you"
Dad: "He's probably scared"
Me: "No. I HATE kids."
Dad: "Then how are you gonna manage, if you have kids?"
Me: "I simply won't have any."
Slight time passes.
Dad: (from doorway) "You know, we used to hate you as a kid, too"
Me: (immediately,without slightest hesitation) "Good to know."
I really don't care, since they don't qualify as a 'family' to me. My handicapped classmate is closer to a family than they'll ever be. I couldn't really give a crap, since the people from dreams are my true family.
The times when i think I've somehow been born in a wrong reality, increases. I want someone to take me far away from this place... or disappear completely.
(Sure, mom can be a pain in the rear, but she somewhat qualifies under 'family'.)
(Sighs). These days it seems, as if strangers are the closest to what you could call a family.
[I don't exactly hate kids. If i were to compare anime children with real children, the only difference would be behaviour and personality. I simply just cannot stand the noise and annoying stuff. Especially the fact, how they are treated 'unique' and then, one day, just forgotten. This place is broken.]
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Dream log: I don't like falling...
I cannot remember the whole dream, just a climpse of it.
Starting from where I remember:
There was five of us. If I remember correctly, there was three males and two females. The environment, where it all took place was very dreamy/OBE-ish.
We were standing on a floating island and had to free fall from one to another. I crawl near the edge and look down.... crap. No visible bottom, all i could see was light (white-ness, above as well). I quickly crawl away from the edge, since i really hate the first part of falling (that feeling, after it, is fine). Everyone was like: "Hey, let's glide over to that island" and then two of them went. I was like "Nope. I haven't done this for ages!", yet i knew, if i don't do it, i'll be left behind. Another guy in a relaxed and high (higher than average males) pitched voice grabs my hand and says:" Don't worry. I used to hate it as well." and starts running while dragging me behind. I was like: "No... no.... I don't wanna..... Not again...", yet i did not reject it either. As we neared the edge, we jump. I tried my best not to close my eyes, yet still did.
And that's the end of the dream.
I hate falling. I really do. It's like a fobia from childhood (from times where all i had, were nightmares and falling dreams). It's not that i'm afraid of dying or heights, just that goddamn feeling.
//
Later, when watching 'Reporter' from Channel 2: Sky-diving. Mom: (Watches at me) "You'd probably do it, wouldn't you?" Me: " ... I already did ... In a dream ... It wasn't great at all ... ".
Starting from where I remember:
There was five of us. If I remember correctly, there was three males and two females. The environment, where it all took place was very dreamy/OBE-ish.
We were standing on a floating island and had to free fall from one to another. I crawl near the edge and look down.... crap. No visible bottom, all i could see was light (white-ness, above as well). I quickly crawl away from the edge, since i really hate the first part of falling (that feeling, after it, is fine). Everyone was like: "Hey, let's glide over to that island" and then two of them went. I was like "Nope. I haven't done this for ages!", yet i knew, if i don't do it, i'll be left behind. Another guy in a relaxed and high (higher than average males) pitched voice grabs my hand and says:" Don't worry. I used to hate it as well." and starts running while dragging me behind. I was like: "No... no.... I don't wanna..... Not again...", yet i did not reject it either. As we neared the edge, we jump. I tried my best not to close my eyes, yet still did.
And that's the end of the dream.
I hate falling. I really do. It's like a fobia from childhood (from times where all i had, were nightmares and falling dreams). It's not that i'm afraid of dying or heights, just that goddamn feeling.
//
Later, when watching 'Reporter' from Channel 2: Sky-diving. Mom: (Watches at me) "You'd probably do it, wouldn't you?" Me: " ... I already did ... In a dream ... It wasn't great at all ... ".
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Update of 31.07.2014
Finally, tomorrow i can be home alone. I can do things that i can't with other people nearby.
It rained. After who-knows-how-long. Now there's this "smokey" smell in air. Wonder if lightning struck somewhere nearby.
Tried playing with wind a little. Wasn't that great.
Lately, i've struck a stump. I feel so inferior. Whatever i may do, there's always someone that can do something that i cannot. It's infuriating. All i can do is draw things into air that last for few seconds (6 at most, at night, i can sustain a 'border' or outline of the object i imagine). I wanna be 'amazing' like others. I'm not asking to be greater than others, just enough to help...
Meditation. Silence: Sight, hearing, touch, sense, thought. Silence: Tiredness, emptiness. OBE = failed. Sleep length = 4 hours. Normal = 12 hours.
It rained. After who-knows-how-long. Now there's this "smokey" smell in air. Wonder if lightning struck somewhere nearby.
Tried playing with wind a little. Wasn't that great.
Lately, i've struck a stump. I feel so inferior. Whatever i may do, there's always someone that can do something that i cannot. It's infuriating. All i can do is draw things into air that last for few seconds (6 at most, at night, i can sustain a 'border' or outline of the object i imagine). I wanna be 'amazing' like others. I'm not asking to be greater than others, just enough to help...
Meditation. Silence: Sight, hearing, touch, sense, thought. Silence: Tiredness, emptiness. OBE = failed. Sleep length = 4 hours. Normal = 12 hours.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Dejavu of 28.07.2014
A storm is coming soon. Should prepare.
I'm programming a mindset into my subconscious. "Start dream / End dream". Anything between that region will be a dream, which means, i will be able easily identify if it's reality or not. Before sleeping, i would keep reminding myself "All following is a dream" and when ends, well... "end"... "stop". I'm also hoping that in future i can reverse the effect ie. "Reality becoming a dream".
Lots of blog posts have gone unposted. Few dream logs too.
Can't play with friend yet, since he's laptop got a virus (i'm speaking as if it was biological, lol). He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either... even with my guidance. Gonna have to leave it up to the graduate then. :/
Well, i got nothing else to say.
I'm programming a mindset into my subconscious. "Start dream / End dream". Anything between that region will be a dream, which means, i will be able easily identify if it's reality or not. Before sleeping, i would keep reminding myself "All following is a dream" and when ends, well... "end"... "stop". I'm also hoping that in future i can reverse the effect ie. "Reality becoming a dream".
Lots of blog posts have gone unposted. Few dream logs too.
Can't play with friend yet, since he's laptop got a virus (i'm speaking as if it was biological, lol). He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer either... even with my guidance. Gonna have to leave it up to the graduate then. :/
Well, i got nothing else to say.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Extra day? Why not.
Me, classmate and a graduate play games over a day (that is, usually Monday, Wednesday and Friday). On other days i play guitar.
I have clear memory of following: Game (monday), guitar (tuesday), game (wednesday), guitar (thursday) and game (friday). Apparently yesterday was Thursday. I have no idea how. It's like i somehow pulled out an extra day from a pocket! Well, everything went well anyways. We played yesterday since classmate goes to some sort of religion camp of sorts... *shrugs*. No idea for how long, so most of my schedule is replaced by "voice training". I hate my voice, especially the part that i cannot think and speak at the same time.
Will start playing lots of games and do commentary. I know it will come out bad, but all for the sake of progress (will most likely be in english).
I have clear memory of following: Game (monday), guitar (tuesday), game (wednesday), guitar (thursday) and game (friday). Apparently yesterday was Thursday. I have no idea how. It's like i somehow pulled out an extra day from a pocket! Well, everything went well anyways. We played yesterday since classmate goes to some sort of religion camp of sorts... *shrugs*. No idea for how long, so most of my schedule is replaced by "voice training". I hate my voice, especially the part that i cannot think and speak at the same time.
Will start playing lots of games and do commentary. I know it will come out bad, but all for the sake of progress (will most likely be in english).
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Update of 13.07.2014
I keep getting occasional tinnitus. I was thinking of it being from blood-pressure (my normal is around 80/150, the point where other's get a headache), but no. I comes for a second, then it's gone. It's pitch is also different and it doesn't always ring in both ears. Time-span also seems fairly random (normally ranging from 2 sec to minutes).
Me, a classmate and graduate were playing SWAT 4 over skype yesterday. 4 hours and 46 minutes. It ended at morning around 4 o'clock. That's a lot of fours...
And sorry, Sussch, noticed your message when it was too late. "Hei" back to you too! :D
And sorry, Sussch, noticed your message when it was too late. "Hei" back to you too! :D
At noon...err--night (night = noon), i went and gathered some 'Marigold' (in Estonian: "saialill", it's fairly easy to spot them due to their color even in the dark) and attempted to make some sort of extract. Ground them up nicely and then poured vinegar with salt.*facepalm*. I used salt/vinegar mix to etch metal (2 bottles which are exactly the same shape, but different substances within them). Quickly poured alcohol onto it which somehow stopped the reaction (tested with baking soda -- no reaction). Still, i'm gonna give it multiple washes (with alcohol) and try to crystallize it.
Dreams are... normal, i guess. There's quite a bit going on, but i'm either too tired, or simply won't memorize them. So yeah, no dreams to write down.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Update of 8.07.2014
Been a while since i posted anything. Mainly, because i end up going to sleep at 4 am (in the morning).
Have had tons of dreams. Nothing remarkable to write down.
I've been feeling kinda heavy. Not in a physical sense. There's confusion in my heart again. No idea, what's causing it.
Decided to meditate over a long time. It somehow felt really long to me... checked the clock -- It's only been 15 minutes. Went on for about 5 minutes, decided to stop, since i lost concentration.
Have had tons of dreams. Nothing remarkable to write down.
I've been feeling kinda heavy. Not in a physical sense. There's confusion in my heart again. No idea, what's causing it.
Decided to meditate over a long time. It somehow felt really long to me... checked the clock -- It's only been 15 minutes. Went on for about 5 minutes, decided to stop, since i lost concentration.
After it, watched an interesting anime called "Mushishi" ("Mushi" meaning "bug" in literal translation, but in that context, it's often referred to as an "ethereal/primitive being". "Shi" meaning "master/expert").
It has pretty interesting concept behind it, and so far, no fighting scenes (at 7-th episode, there are around 26 + a follow up (zoku shou)?.... haven't got that far yet).
It speaks of entities and of the people who counter them. Some of them gain abilities, others lose. How people behave after having dealt with them.
In no means, it doesn't seem like an aggressive type of anime -- in fact, it has pretty pretty drawing style (especially how detailed the background is). It makes you feel soothed.
It has pretty interesting concept behind it, and so far, no fighting scenes (at 7-th episode, there are around 26 + a follow up (zoku shou)?.... haven't got that far yet).
It speaks of entities and of the people who counter them. Some of them gain abilities, others lose. How people behave after having dealt with them.
In no means, it doesn't seem like an aggressive type of anime -- in fact, it has pretty pretty drawing style (especially how detailed the background is). It makes you feel soothed.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Broken hosting site?!
I was searching for free subdomains, but I found this:
http://neq3.com/
It doesn't ask for payment credentials (meaning it can't send any checks or stuff), so it's technically a goldmine! Well, sure, until they fix it, but until then, it's great, isn't it?
Definitely worth checking out, until it becomes a major center of attention. Yarr'gh! ;)
http://neq3.com/
It doesn't ask for payment credentials (meaning it can't send any checks or stuff), so it's technically a goldmine! Well, sure, until they fix it, but until then, it's great, isn't it?
Definitely worth checking out, until it becomes a major center of attention. Yarr'gh! ;)
Biology exam....
Biology Exam: Many mistakes.
The biology exam was harder than i expected. Not in a form of difficulty, but from the part, which i didn't see coming.
Also, just before i got to the genetics part, it was like someone did a 'format drive'. I f'd up that part so bad. Good thing that they don't only count equation answers.
Then there were 2 words: "divirgents" and "rugimendid". What the hell do those even mean? There exists no such word in my Estonian vocabulary. From those, i already lost half page worth (good thing they didn't give a lot of points).
Well, let's hope that i'm in range of '3'. I could pretty much write a copy/paste from the info i looked over yesterday.
Also, just before i got to the genetics part, it was like someone did a 'format drive'. I f'd up that part so bad. Good thing that they don't only count equation answers.
Then there were 2 words: "divirgents" and "rugimendid". What the hell do those even mean? There exists no such word in my Estonian vocabulary. From those, i already lost half page worth (good thing they didn't give a lot of points).
Well, let's hope that i'm in range of '3'. I could pretty much write a copy/paste from the info i looked over yesterday.
Update: Biology succesfully passed! I did better than i had expected. Passing grade: " 4"!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Dream log: "Ambrosia"
(Dream of 15.06.2014)
A fourth attempt at writing this amazing dream... i still cannot bring myself to publish it.
A fourth attempt at writing this amazing dream... i still cannot bring myself to publish it.
"Ambrosia" -- a word which meant nothing to me, until today.
. . .
I'm in a city, which looks a lot like New York, yet the amount of people denies the fact. Barely anyone walks these brick-patterned streets. It's mid-day. The sun's high in the sky, cannot tell what day it is. If i had to guess, i would say it's Saturday or Sunday. I'm not doing anything specific, just standing in the shadow of a tall building.
Fast-forward -- I remember a part where i meet a girl with roller skates. Out of curiosity, i begin to question her:
(This actually happened in a telepathic/empathic fashion. It's like we imagined, that we were talking to each other, so in order to fully describe what we spoke of, i'm going to try 'mimic' the conversation)
Me:"Umm, excuse me!" (since there was practically no one on the streets, it was fairly easy to catch her attention).
Girl:"Yes, what is it?"
Me:"I know this is a weird question, but... where am I?"
Girl:"(starts laughing), Silly! It's one of your own many realities!"
Me:"(confused)... wait a sec..... If this is my reality? Who are you? How can you be here?"
Girl:"That's easy. I am you, and you, are me."
Me:"... so you are saying, that we create each other?"
Girl:"Not quite. I am 'you' from another reality."
Me:"But if we are from different realities, shouldn't we be different? I mean, from other than gender..."
Girl:"But we are! ...and not. It's confusing, i know."
Me:"Ok, lemme recap-- Hold on. Does that mean you are currently dreaming too?"
Girl:"...no. I've been dead for a long time now. The reason why we are capable of seeing each other, is because we want to see each other. You, and I, have created a link to all of those whom we wish to see -- Even, if you have never met, or will meet them."
Me:"So that explains why all the "dream people" have been female..."
Girl:"(snickers) ...ecchi..."
Me:"Hey! It's not because of that! It's this damn-- That's strange. I can't feel the pain of my heart here... Either way, you are misunderstanding!"
Girl:"It's OK. I can understand."
(brief pause)
Me:"So, will I be able to see you in later dreams?"
Girl:"As long as you want to."
Me:"...can i ask one more question?"
Girl:"Of course. I got nothing to do anyways."
Me:"Do you know anything about that pain (referring to the pain in chest)?"
Girl:"Not really, but if i were to take a random guess, perhaps someone inhabits it?"
Me:"...inhabits it?"
Girl:"(shrugs), it's a guess."
Me:"No, no! It's actually quite possible!"
The next thing i know, is that I'm looking at a surgery of someone's. A heart transplant? Someone connects a strange looking pump pipes to the heart's vessels and tells me to pump it to keep it alive. Odd.
The next thing i know, I'm at school. Sitting next to the same person whom i spoke to. I cannot remember anything of which i spoke to her about, just the fact, that i knew her. I ask of her where her sister is (somehow i knew her sister's name... 'Ambrosia'). She says that, she's on some sort of a photoshoot. I just say OK.
From the edges of the class, i can hear whispers:"He's so lucky. All seven of them, too...". "Seven?" I finally understood what they meant. Apparently, no one was capable of speaking to them due to them being "dragons in human form". If the "dragons" were to speak to them, they simply wouldn't be capable of understanding (not because it was difficult, it sounded so confusing to them). Also, for some reason, i knew the following:"I am connected to them. I am responsible". I also knew that i had some sort of "dragon" blood running through my veins which allowed to understand these "dragons", who were in human forms.
Later, at a PC, i try to write "ridiculous", but would always turn out differently. We laugh as we try different words, meanwhile i think:" Please... don't leave me".
. . .
I'm in a city, which looks a lot like New York, yet the amount of people denies the fact. Barely anyone walks these brick-patterned streets. It's mid-day. The sun's high in the sky, cannot tell what day it is. If i had to guess, i would say it's Saturday or Sunday. I'm not doing anything specific, just standing in the shadow of a tall building.
Fast-forward -- I remember a part where i meet a girl with roller skates. Out of curiosity, i begin to question her:
(This actually happened in a telepathic/empathic fashion. It's like we imagined, that we were talking to each other, so in order to fully describe what we spoke of, i'm going to try 'mimic' the conversation)
Me:"Umm, excuse me!" (since there was practically no one on the streets, it was fairly easy to catch her attention).
Girl:"Yes, what is it?"
Me:"I know this is a weird question, but... where am I?"
Girl:"(starts laughing), Silly! It's one of your own many realities!"
Me:"(confused)... wait a sec..... If this is my reality? Who are you? How can you be here?"
Girl:"That's easy. I am you, and you, are me."
Me:"... so you are saying, that we create each other?"
Girl:"Not quite. I am 'you' from another reality."
Me:"But if we are from different realities, shouldn't we be different? I mean, from other than gender..."
Girl:"But we are! ...and not. It's confusing, i know."
Me:"Ok, lemme recap-- Hold on. Does that mean you are currently dreaming too?"
Girl:"...no. I've been dead for a long time now. The reason why we are capable of seeing each other, is because we want to see each other. You, and I, have created a link to all of those whom we wish to see -- Even, if you have never met, or will meet them."
Me:"So that explains why all the "dream people" have been female..."
Girl:"(snickers) ...ecchi..."
Me:"Hey! It's not because of that! It's this damn-- That's strange. I can't feel the pain of my heart here... Either way, you are misunderstanding!"
Girl:"It's OK. I can understand."
(brief pause)
Me:"So, will I be able to see you in later dreams?"
Girl:"As long as you want to."
Me:"...can i ask one more question?"
Girl:"Of course. I got nothing to do anyways."
Me:"Do you know anything about that pain (referring to the pain in chest)?"
Girl:"Not really, but if i were to take a random guess, perhaps someone inhabits it?"
Me:"...inhabits it?"
Girl:"(shrugs), it's a guess."
Me:"No, no! It's actually quite possible!"
The next thing i know, is that I'm looking at a surgery of someone's. A heart transplant? Someone connects a strange looking pump pipes to the heart's vessels and tells me to pump it to keep it alive. Odd.
The next thing i know, I'm at school. Sitting next to the same person whom i spoke to. I cannot remember anything of which i spoke to her about, just the fact, that i knew her. I ask of her where her sister is (somehow i knew her sister's name... 'Ambrosia'). She says that, she's on some sort of a photoshoot. I just say OK.
From the edges of the class, i can hear whispers:"He's so lucky. All seven of them, too...". "Seven?" I finally understood what they meant. Apparently, no one was capable of speaking to them due to them being "dragons in human form". If the "dragons" were to speak to them, they simply wouldn't be capable of understanding (not because it was difficult, it sounded so confusing to them). Also, for some reason, i knew the following:"I am connected to them. I am responsible". I also knew that i had some sort of "dragon" blood running through my veins which allowed to understand these "dragons", who were in human forms.
Later, at a PC, i try to write "ridiculous", but would always turn out differently. We laugh as we try different words, meanwhile i think:" Please... don't leave me".
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Update of 14.06.2014
I was pretty mad (in a sense of anger, not sanity) yesterday. Pissed off at this useless reality. Everytime i try something, there's someone better, which renders me useless. *Sighs*.
Dream log:
Nuclear mind explosion?!!
In search of gold
Dream log:
Nuclear mind explosion?!!
It was a strange, but interesting dream. It started off at night, at home. We had some guests over so i was acting as usually, excluded from everyone. Since i had nothing to do, i took a look at the sky. What i begun to see was strange. Slowly, i begun to see all kinds of drawings and writing in the sky. They were made by people. You could literally witness things appear in the sky. They were in reddish color. Something caught my eye. It talked about a nuclear explosion (very close to my location). Not a normal nuclear explosion, either. A concentrated form of energy. As much as i could read, it described something about a secret organization which "collected" people with high powers (why does this sound do similar to a dream i had a while ago?). I couldn't read anything else -- I started to hear this "siren" (rapid formation of energy, perhaps?). I quickly hid behind the couch, away from the windows. A little while later, A huge blast. It blew the windows apart, not to mention the sound (i had experienced such dreams many times, so i knew what to do).
A while later, outside, it was daytime. I went around telling, that the next one will be in 5 hours (at night again).
A while later, outside, it was daytime. I went around telling, that the next one will be in 5 hours (at night again).
In search of gold
It was fairly short dream. The environment was again unknown to me, but reminded me of 'Peipsi' (yet it wasn't anywhere near it. The landscape was completely different). I wonder around to find some rivers. I go through the woods and find a small, rotted dog corpse (around 1 week at most). Decided to leave as it was.
Once i came across some rivers, i immediately begun to search near the banks where the flow was fairly strong and making 'U' kinda turn. Not much later, i did find... lots. Others whom i was with came to search as well.
After we had enough, we decided to go look around other places. One of the people sees something: A blue red flashes. When we go to investigate, we see a motorboat. A rescue one. A child had drown due to a duck attacking her (in a form of defense). Child's dad right near there, threw a rock at the duck. One of who was with us comments:"Some people have absolutely no intelligence. Her child drowns, yet continues to do retarded moves...".
Once i came across some rivers, i immediately begun to search near the banks where the flow was fairly strong and making 'U' kinda turn. Not much later, i did find... lots. Others whom i was with came to search as well.
After we had enough, we decided to go look around other places. One of the people sees something: A blue red flashes. When we go to investigate, we see a motorboat. A rescue one. A child had drown due to a duck attacking her (in a form of defense). Child's dad right near there, threw a rock at the duck. One of who was with us comments:"Some people have absolutely no intelligence. Her child drowns, yet continues to do retarded moves...".
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Update of 12.06.2014
Estonian exam: 4. Mistakes: Too difficult terminology. Could have seen that coming. Well, who cares. Passed. Now, all that is left, is biology.
The last lessons, i have been learning stuff in Codecademy. Completed HTML+CSS, AirBnB, started PHP, Java, jQuery, API and intendending to start Python.
Went to sleep early yesterday. Had a lot of dreams. I remembered 5 of them.
// Dream cuts off, i wake up.
Damn it, i still ended up describing it too much. What am i, writing a book? *sighs*
(I remember every dream at ridiculous detail. I'm just too lazy to write it all down, and i doubt anyone has the time to read this nonesense. It would go at least 2x the length of it).
The last lessons, i have been learning stuff in Codecademy. Completed HTML+CSS, AirBnB, started PHP, Java, jQuery, API and intendending to start Python.
Went to sleep early yesterday. Had a lot of dreams. I remembered 5 of them.
1 (!! Not enough Info to recall !!) -- Another goodbye
I cannot remember it, but it stood out from all others, so i can only remember what it feels like -- It feels like a goodbye. A goodbye where someone disappears.
I hate these goodbyes. They hurt too much.
I hate these goodbyes. They hurt too much.
2: I'm powerful!!
In the dream, i had the ability to learn other's abilities. Any power, anything. I could make a copy of it. Due to that, i became more powerful than anyone. I could make huge boulders into tiny pebbles (they were glowing red hot! Probably due to compression).
3: Gods' domain
It was actually a horror themed dream. I was theorizing and practicing on how to call them and how to get to where they are. The result was actually more frightening than i thought (since i was forcing them to come to my location, instead visiting them). I did make there, though. And i was pretty much instantly banished from it. It was sorta dark, moon-like place with old temples. Floating rocks and rivers... but dark. Straight after what i saw, i felt such anger as it felt like someone was pressing down on me, and i fell into a pitch black "well". Lol. This is actually pretty funny. I'm messing with "gods". Hahahaha! xD
4: Disappearance of a man
After getting banished from that place, i fell into another place. It was dark (possibly some sort of lower lever dimension of "it's"?). I turn to the left to see sandbox which is illuminated by a streetlight. In the sandbox, there are children digging something hurriedly up. I approach to see them digging up something that looks like a small, fist-sized box in Christmas wrapper. I begin to dig as well, yet find nothing. As i gave up, i noticed, that there's no one anywhere near me anymore. The kids had vanished, but it didn't quite feel like that was the case. It felt like they had gone home.
Right after, i am greeted by a female child in age of around 13-14. Despite her age, she is quite mentally mature, yet for what i see, there's grief behind her smile.
Girl: "Did you find anything?"
Me:"No... Do you happen to know what they were digging?"
Girl:"... sadly, no."
A quiet moment. A look at the sky... no stars. Just pitch blackness. My sight falls back to the girl whom is staring at the sky, as well. In her hands, there's a white blanket, she's grasping it fairly strongly, as if she were in pain. Her head falls in a tired fashion.
Girl:"... would you like to come in... for tea?"
Me:"If that's alright with you, then sure."
We go walk indoors. The house is about 4 rooms big. Kitchen with a table, which was connected to the door we came in. A few steps forward, to the left, there's a big living room. To the right, there's a big window, with one of those slide-able doors (japanese style). If you go straight ahead, there's bedroom with queen-sized bed. To the left, there's bathroom with a bathtub. I did not see them, but i could feel it.
As i step forward to the kitchen, i notice how well the rooms are lighted. It somehow made a cozy feel to it. We sit down at the table, sipping tea. I've never liked tea. I hate it, but out of respect, i harden my face and endure it.
Slight moments after:
Me: "You look grim, are you OK?"
She"(Surprised, since she wasn't aware of her own emotions), oh, um...--"
Me:"--I guess the answer is obvious. (takes a deep breath, sighs and gives a determined look), Is there any way i can help?"
She:" (Sulks), I, uh... used to live with a boy. He was like a big brother to me. A week ago, he disappeared. When i tried asking others, if they know anything of him, it's like they didn't even know him!"
For a brief moment, a picture flashes through in my mind. A boy around age of 18. I couldn't tell what he looked like, but it felt like a "setting sun". It was calming. When i analyzed around the house, it was indeed like no one else had lived here. I couldn't pick up on anything else either.
Me:"Did he say anything before his disappearance? Or told what he was going to do?"
She:" "I'll bury my feelings under the feet of all whom are who are bound by this place" "
Me:"That's obvious! The sandbox! I'll--"
She"--I searched it! Nothing was there!"
Me:"Perhaps not deep enough? Like a wise man once said:"Throwing a net over all oceans, doesn't mean you'll get all the fish".
I shall try digging deeper."
I grab a shovel and hurry onto the sandbox.
After a while of digging, i find some things. 4 tall things wrapped in Christmas wrapping and a red marker. As i turn around and step out of the sandbox, she's there, waiting eagerly.
She:"Did you-- You found something?!"
As she approaches me, i open my hands and watch as her eyes widen in amazement. She quickly grasps the red marker which had also piqued my interest. Her head falls down as she's squeezing it close to her chest, tears begin to fall. I'm confused, yet somewhat relieved. Perhaps it was the thought of hers, that he did in fact exist, that he did not "disappear". Perhaps, i was just relieved to see someone happy.
Right after, i am greeted by a female child in age of around 13-14. Despite her age, she is quite mentally mature, yet for what i see, there's grief behind her smile.
Girl: "Did you find anything?"
Me:"No... Do you happen to know what they were digging?"
Girl:"... sadly, no."
A quiet moment. A look at the sky... no stars. Just pitch blackness. My sight falls back to the girl whom is staring at the sky, as well. In her hands, there's a white blanket, she's grasping it fairly strongly, as if she were in pain. Her head falls in a tired fashion.
Girl:"... would you like to come in... for tea?"
Me:"If that's alright with you, then sure."
We go walk indoors. The house is about 4 rooms big. Kitchen with a table, which was connected to the door we came in. A few steps forward, to the left, there's a big living room. To the right, there's a big window, with one of those slide-able doors (japanese style). If you go straight ahead, there's bedroom with queen-sized bed. To the left, there's bathroom with a bathtub. I did not see them, but i could feel it.
As i step forward to the kitchen, i notice how well the rooms are lighted. It somehow made a cozy feel to it. We sit down at the table, sipping tea. I've never liked tea. I hate it, but out of respect, i harden my face and endure it.
Slight moments after:
Me: "You look grim, are you OK?"
She"(Surprised, since she wasn't aware of her own emotions), oh, um...--"
Me:"--I guess the answer is obvious. (takes a deep breath, sighs and gives a determined look), Is there any way i can help?"
She:" (Sulks), I, uh... used to live with a boy. He was like a big brother to me. A week ago, he disappeared. When i tried asking others, if they know anything of him, it's like they didn't even know him!"
For a brief moment, a picture flashes through in my mind. A boy around age of 18. I couldn't tell what he looked like, but it felt like a "setting sun". It was calming. When i analyzed around the house, it was indeed like no one else had lived here. I couldn't pick up on anything else either.
Me:"Did he say anything before his disappearance? Or told what he was going to do?"
She:" "I'll bury my feelings under the feet of all whom are who are bound by this place" "
Me:"That's obvious! The sandbox! I'll--"
She"--I searched it! Nothing was there!"
Me:"Perhaps not deep enough? Like a wise man once said:"Throwing a net over all oceans, doesn't mean you'll get all the fish".
I shall try digging deeper."
I grab a shovel and hurry onto the sandbox.
After a while of digging, i find some things. 4 tall things wrapped in Christmas wrapping and a red marker. As i turn around and step out of the sandbox, she's there, waiting eagerly.
She:"Did you-- You found something?!"
As she approaches me, i open my hands and watch as her eyes widen in amazement. She quickly grasps the red marker which had also piqued my interest. Her head falls down as she's squeezing it close to her chest, tears begin to fall. I'm confused, yet somewhat relieved. Perhaps it was the thought of hers, that he did in fact exist, that he did not "disappear". Perhaps, i was just relieved to see someone happy.
// Dream cuts off, i wake up.
Damn it, i still ended up describing it too much. What am i, writing a book? *sighs*
(I remember every dream at ridiculous detail. I'm just too lazy to write it all down, and i doubt anyone has the time to read this nonesense. It would go at least 2x the length of it).
5. Randomness...
It was fairly wacky dream. There was some story before it (I'm NOT going to be writing that nonsense). Something about a dream where 3 of us were running away from 2 dogs. For some reason, the dogs hated fireworks (you know, those crackling ones'?), so we thew those for distraction. They always found us, though, it was fun nonetheless.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Update of 9.06.2014
Estonian exam was easier than i thought (even though i still do not know my grade). I picked as topic "Internet and it's dangers". It was fairly easy to keep going. I hope i at least get a '3'.
Last evening, i had a memory black out. I was listening to OBE binaural beats, the next thing i know is "when did i take my headphones off? I never did that...". They weren't randomly thrown or fallen off. They were specifically set aside. The binaural beats itself were still playing. How strange.
I brought chopsticks today. I've never used them before, but they were suprisingly easy to use. Ate a cup of mashed potatoes (ones, you just add water and it's ready). I like chopsticks already. They are different -- a good different.
Had some strange dream, cannot remember, yet it wants to recall itself. Do not have enough links to recall it.
Started growing a salt crystal. When i tried to use a normal crystal, it simply won't start growing. It's like it wants the one that has been hand-grown. Hmm...
Last evening, i had a memory black out. I was listening to OBE binaural beats, the next thing i know is "when did i take my headphones off? I never did that...". They weren't randomly thrown or fallen off. They were specifically set aside. The binaural beats itself were still playing. How strange.
I brought chopsticks today. I've never used them before, but they were suprisingly easy to use. Ate a cup of mashed potatoes (ones, you just add water and it's ready). I like chopsticks already. They are different -- a good different.
Had some strange dream, cannot remember, yet it wants to recall itself. Do not have enough links to recall it.
Started growing a salt crystal. When i tried to use a normal crystal, it simply won't start growing. It's like it wants the one that has been hand-grown. Hmm...
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Update of 7.06.2014
Went over all of CSS and HTML since some things kept screwing up (childs, classes, id's etc). Now, started learning jQuery which is still a bit of a mindfuck to me. I understand the main part, but i still manage to screw up the action part, for example:
//If document == ready do following:
$(document).ready(function() {
// Variables
$button = $('#btn');
$element = $('#element');
//if button pressed make...
$button.click(function() {
element fadeout slowly.
$element.fadeOut('slow')
});
});
I have no clue if this even works. What i'm trying to tell, is that double (or more) functions f' up my logic.
All the physical stuff has gone down for now. Phew -- finally, a calm moment.
Have had A LOT of dreams. Today was a bit different since i had a lucid one. A book somewhat "woke" me up. As ironic as it sounded, the book was called "Ancient ways of Lucid dreaming". It was fairly new. Browsed through it quickly... lost interest fairly fast. Put it back in the secret chest i found from. While attempting to read, i tried to mediate my consciousness so i wouldn't wake up nor lose it at all.
The rest of the dream, i managed to retain portion of my awareness. There was some sort of uprising. Fairly high altitude place. Sun shining. People were carrying guns.
One person was swapping guns for other stuff (since there was no money in use due to the uprise). The place felt completely different. It felt kinda "heaven-ly" like.
When i saw a man nick a gun from the market guy (without him seeing), i decided that i should too. I got caught and rockets started flying from all over the place. Nearly escaped alive.
Due to lucidity, i remember the environment fairly precicely (i don't like using lucidity -- It's much more fun to just be and see where it takes you). Though, i did learn a new thing thanks to it. In the dream, i concentrated on the energy emitted from a body. It blocked out most of my normal vision, but made energy completely visible. I was emitting a stream of yellow-ish white energy from my fingertips. It was pretty cool.
Though, trying it out in reality didn't work out that well, but there certainly was different "waves" that i haven't noticed as vividly as before.
What i did in the dream was: concentrate on the "disruptions" in air (think like heat waves), then kept focusing on seeing them more until it took on form and color.
As for other dreams... they are fairly ... weird. Abstract. That's the best answer i can come up with.
//If document == ready do following:
$(document).ready(function() {
// Variables
$button = $('#btn');
$element = $('#element');
//if button pressed make...
$button.click(function() {
element fadeout slowly.
$element.fadeOut('slow')
});
});
I have no clue if this even works. What i'm trying to tell, is that double (or more) functions f' up my logic.
All the physical stuff has gone down for now. Phew -- finally, a calm moment.
Have had A LOT of dreams. Today was a bit different since i had a lucid one. A book somewhat "woke" me up. As ironic as it sounded, the book was called "Ancient ways of Lucid dreaming". It was fairly new. Browsed through it quickly... lost interest fairly fast. Put it back in the secret chest i found from. While attempting to read, i tried to mediate my consciousness so i wouldn't wake up nor lose it at all.
The rest of the dream, i managed to retain portion of my awareness. There was some sort of uprising. Fairly high altitude place. Sun shining. People were carrying guns.
One person was swapping guns for other stuff (since there was no money in use due to the uprise). The place felt completely different. It felt kinda "heaven-ly" like.
When i saw a man nick a gun from the market guy (without him seeing), i decided that i should too. I got caught and rockets started flying from all over the place. Nearly escaped alive.
Due to lucidity, i remember the environment fairly precicely (i don't like using lucidity -- It's much more fun to just be and see where it takes you). Though, i did learn a new thing thanks to it. In the dream, i concentrated on the energy emitted from a body. It blocked out most of my normal vision, but made energy completely visible. I was emitting a stream of yellow-ish white energy from my fingertips. It was pretty cool.
Though, trying it out in reality didn't work out that well, but there certainly was different "waves" that i haven't noticed as vividly as before.
What i did in the dream was: concentrate on the "disruptions" in air (think like heat waves), then kept focusing on seeing them more until it took on form and color.
As for other dreams... they are fairly ... weird. Abstract. That's the best answer i can come up with.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Death dream becoming true?
Lately, my body has decided to find ways to simply go "kaputt". Now my digestive system is so fucked. Started last night, wanted to vomit. Felt like stomach acids were ridiculous high. Drank half glass of milk. Seemed to sooth it down. It's night again, and it feels like it's trying to repeat itself. There's this unsetling feeling. Kinda sightly pains.
That reminded me of a dream that i had long ago. It was somewhere green, vines were hanging. I'm looking at a grave. Without a body, i cry. I'm unsure over whom i cried of. But when i told that to my mom (years ago), i said that it was myself. That i had died.
I don't really have anything against death, but it's sad to see other people sad, so i want nobody to remember me. This world has more than enough grief and sorrow as it already is.
That reminded me of a dream that i had long ago. It was somewhere green, vines were hanging. I'm looking at a grave. Without a body, i cry. I'm unsure over whom i cried of. But when i told that to my mom (years ago), i said that it was myself. That i had died.
I don't really have anything against death, but it's sad to see other people sad, so i want nobody to remember me. This world has more than enough grief and sorrow as it already is.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Update: Physics exam -- passed succesfully!
To tell the truth, this was actually the biggest concern to me. It was a lot easier than i expected. Got a 5 (not sure, but i think he said 45 points out of 47. Didn't hear well). Well, that's that. Now the next one will be Estonian and Biology.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Let the new ORMUS tests commence!
First results! My theory (shaleoil -> ORMUS) seems to have produced ORMUS-like ... *stuff*. I'm still waiting for it to settle down for 2-nd wash.
I have a question, though. This will be directed at Sussch, of course. :D
1. If you made ORMUS, did your's look kinda cloudy as well? I got the same result this and last year:
---
The bottom layer seems to be much whiter than the layer above it. Probably impurities.
I have a question, though. This will be directed at Sussch, of course. :D
1. If you made ORMUS, did your's look kinda cloudy as well? I got the same result this and last year:
---
The bottom layer seems to be much whiter than the layer above it. Probably impurities.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Creating a site and some other stuff
I'm creating a site where i'm gonna upload all kinds of stuff. Ebooks, experiments, videos and all kinds of other cool stuff. I've already made an experimental upload site (uploads to my Google Docs). The site itself is still fairly broken and uncompleted. I will be refining this at school (since all i have now, are computer classes).
http://imm0rta1.pwnz.org
Aside from that, i'm restarting the ORMUS experiments. I'm gonna try going with my own theory this time (shale oil -> ORMUS, using vinegar and NaOH). The theory is still fairly flawed, but should work. I will publish the results once i've tried.
There's something that infuriates me. The fact that people use anime characters as tools, as if they have no mind on their own. There is. Learn to observe. Learn to listen and feel. There is always a presence.
Have had dreams -- nothing significant. OBE failed since i fell asleep.
http://imm0rta1.pwnz.org
Aside from that, i'm restarting the ORMUS experiments. I'm gonna try going with my own theory this time (shale oil -> ORMUS, using vinegar and NaOH). The theory is still fairly flawed, but should work. I will publish the results once i've tried.
There's something that infuriates me. The fact that people use anime characters as tools, as if they have no mind on their own. There is. Learn to observe. Learn to listen and feel. There is always a presence.
Have had dreams -- nothing significant. OBE failed since i fell asleep.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Short dream log: The damn grass is on fire!!
I don't know why, but for some reason, i couldn't extinguish the grass on fire for some reason. There were some logs that didn't want to go out either. Strangely enough, i didn't get burned even once. I even rolled on the grass (which was one fire). xD
Somehow, it just relit itself. No idea how.
Apart from that, i tried OBE last night. Partially fell through while some parts were stuck. Gave quite the shock. Having trouble with OBE lately. :/
Somehow, it just relit itself. No idea how.
Apart from that, i tried OBE last night. Partially fell through while some parts were stuck. Gave quite the shock. Having trouble with OBE lately. :/
Monday, May 26, 2014
I died, again!
I wonder how many times have i already died. Had another dream where it happened (unreleased post, i'll finish it later). The death was different. Sure... i was struck by lightning bolt, but that's not it. The infamous "white light". It was more like a room where the mind resided. The dream was unrealistically real. Sure, i knew i was dreaming and knew something was about to happen (well... i kinda stared at the sky since i sensed it coming). But after getting struck, i was so damn lucid, that it actually felt as i had died. My thoughts were somewhat... undesicive (probably since i was 100% conscious, maybe more). I recall saying "So this is what death feels like... so... am i dead for real this time? ...no... doesn't seem that way. But what if i would be? Would i continue to strive to survive, or would i accept it? Neither. I will become a ghost. It'll be fun! I can finally get freedom! I can go where ever my heart desires. Hmm, but for now, i shall continue to live. Yup. Let's wake up.".
I wonder if i would have actually died if i would've given up on my will to live? Most curious, indeed.
THOUGH! Dying does seem to affect body and mentality. My skills were much stronger today, compared to at all. It's like it gave superboost. I could see 7 energy layers surround me. The visibility of others' varied. The cap between each was different from person to person too. There were 'strings' in air too. Seeing where people's awareness is, how and where is concentrated was more visible too. I observed several people. There was a thick line connecting from laptop to classmates' third eye. The others' line somehow "reflected" off. Emotions are more visible too.
---
I got to finish the other post already...
Oh, and the English exam i took, I got that a 3. Meh, don't care one bit. Just numbers to me, anyways.
I wonder if i would have actually died if i would've given up on my will to live? Most curious, indeed.
THOUGH! Dying does seem to affect body and mentality. My skills were much stronger today, compared to at all. It's like it gave superboost. I could see 7 energy layers surround me. The visibility of others' varied. The cap between each was different from person to person too. There were 'strings' in air too. Seeing where people's awareness is, how and where is concentrated was more visible too. I observed several people. There was a thick line connecting from laptop to classmates' third eye. The others' line somehow "reflected" off. Emotions are more visible too.
---
I got to finish the other post already...
Oh, and the English exam i took, I got that a 3. Meh, don't care one bit. Just numbers to me, anyways.
Update of 26.05.2014
Later today English exam. Not worrying about it at all. Never studied for it. I'll just play for '3', but if i happen to get a better grade, doesn't matter really. They are nothing, but numbers to me after all. Like i love saying:"I study for myself. Not for school, nor anyone else. What i choose to learn is up-to me."
Seems like i've flown out of all music need. Messed around with FL Studio for hours, now played guitar. Feels like i got no regrets, no worries, no needs... and no goal. Completely empty, yet so fulfilled.
Had another weird dream. It was quite absurd. Or perhaps, there was simply so much information packed together, that it seemed absurd to me.
Other than all that, nothing much has really happened. I'm not really expecting much out of this life, either. If i'd have a chance to go to another reality, i would. Haven't had any OBE's... it's so damn hot. I don't like heat. You can always get hot, but getting cold is a bit difficult (i'm not saying it's not possible).
*Sighs*... i really don't know what to expect (or perhaps i already know what will happen). Total zero...
Seems like i've flown out of all music need. Messed around with FL Studio for hours, now played guitar. Feels like i got no regrets, no worries, no needs... and no goal. Completely empty, yet so fulfilled.
Had another weird dream. It was quite absurd. Or perhaps, there was simply so much information packed together, that it seemed absurd to me.
Other than all that, nothing much has really happened. I'm not really expecting much out of this life, either. If i'd have a chance to go to another reality, i would. Haven't had any OBE's... it's so damn hot. I don't like heat. You can always get hot, but getting cold is a bit difficult (i'm not saying it's not possible).
*Sighs*... i really don't know what to expect (or perhaps i already know what will happen). Total zero...
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Anime post: One Piece 85
I just had to post this:
And this few moments after:
(He's speaking 'medicine' as a drug, not as a mental concept)
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Update of 22.05.2014
So... English exam next monday (26-th). Damn lucky people, get to have a free day off just because of it.
Started learning japanese (not words, but i understand around 50% already). Kanji, hira- & katakana. I got half table of hiraganas learned in 2 days (didn't put much effort). I still cannot remember them to draw. This will fix itself once i get used to reading. I can already partially read text. Totally worth it. :)
Had some random thought moments yesterday. Made ink powder from printer ink and the other batch from very fine charcoal ("dissolve-able" by water). Seems to work fine. I'm gonna try making another one with dextrin, ink and alcohol. Should work. Can't use oils due to not drying. Hmmmmmm..............
While i was at it already, made a brush. Brush-tip was made from hair, end superglued, trimmed and glued to a pencil with a hole in it. I don't have enough funds to buy proper stuff. Have to improvise. xD
The row of weird dreams continue. I cannot understand where the effect originates. I don't seem to be in a different mind-set. I'm the usual me. Mood swings up and down and ideas come flying in from left and right. *shrugs*
People sometimes sure know how to ask stupid questions. Some think that the external HDD i carry is a computer... sure, it can be mistaken for a Rasberry, but aren't there a bit too few ports?
It's interesting to observe people's "huge realization" moments. Amusing too. When i teached my handicapped friend how to set up VPN and what something does, he always had this kinda "hyped" mind-set. Kinda like happy that he finally understood something. He's kind of a paranoid when it comes to security. Well, i doubt there's anyone in the school that potentially hack VPN. Well... there is 1 (and a friend of his), but they wouldn't probably do it... probably. :D
I'm using emoticons more... ayashina (strange/curious)...
---
So... ink test... alcohol went down. It does not dissolve dextrin (a binding agent made from corn/potato starch). Replaced it with hot water and seemed to work wonders. Dried fairly quickly. Did not fade or make smudges when went over with hand (when dried). Did not pass trough either. Perfect.
It's fairly difficult to write normal alphabet. I think i now know why they resorted to the creation of a new language. Hiraganas (or kanji's or katakanas in that matter) seem fairly easy to draw/write. Now i have to find a way somehow make the ink last longer. More concentrated, perhaps?
Started learning japanese (not words, but i understand around 50% already). Kanji, hira- & katakana. I got half table of hiraganas learned in 2 days (didn't put much effort). I still cannot remember them to draw. This will fix itself once i get used to reading. I can already partially read text. Totally worth it. :)
Had some random thought moments yesterday. Made ink powder from printer ink and the other batch from very fine charcoal ("dissolve-able" by water). Seems to work fine. I'm gonna try making another one with dextrin, ink and alcohol. Should work. Can't use oils due to not drying. Hmmmmmm..............
While i was at it already, made a brush. Brush-tip was made from hair, end superglued, trimmed and glued to a pencil with a hole in it. I don't have enough funds to buy proper stuff. Have to improvise. xD
The row of weird dreams continue. I cannot understand where the effect originates. I don't seem to be in a different mind-set. I'm the usual me. Mood swings up and down and ideas come flying in from left and right. *shrugs*
People sometimes sure know how to ask stupid questions. Some think that the external HDD i carry is a computer... sure, it can be mistaken for a Rasberry, but aren't there a bit too few ports?
It's interesting to observe people's "huge realization" moments. Amusing too. When i teached my handicapped friend how to set up VPN and what something does, he always had this kinda "hyped" mind-set. Kinda like happy that he finally understood something. He's kind of a paranoid when it comes to security. Well, i doubt there's anyone in the school that potentially hack VPN. Well... there is 1 (and a friend of his), but they wouldn't probably do it... probably. :D
I'm using emoticons more... ayashina (strange/curious)...
---
So... ink test... alcohol went down. It does not dissolve dextrin (a binding agent made from corn/potato starch). Replaced it with hot water and seemed to work wonders. Dried fairly quickly. Did not fade or make smudges when went over with hand (when dried). Did not pass trough either. Perfect.
It's fairly difficult to write normal alphabet. I think i now know why they resorted to the creation of a new language. Hiraganas (or kanji's or katakanas in that matter) seem fairly easy to draw/write. Now i have to find a way somehow make the ink last longer. More concentrated, perhaps?
Monday, May 19, 2014
Dream log: '7 children'
Seems my dreams keep getting wilder. I'm not complaining, it's fun, no matter what i may experience!
Cannot remember the whole dream due to not memorizing it well enough at morning. I'll go over it by skipping some caps.
The dream had bits of 'To aru kagaku no Railgun' in it, yet the landscape/environment, was my home village.
I'm not quite sure who or what i was, but the family i was in -- i was the eldest. I had 4 brothers and 2 sisters.
I'm not sure what happened, but they all went out on a stormy day. I decided to follow them (it was more out of concern, rather than out of curiosity). There's a big mall in front of me... a person asks if i know something. Had no time, shot a bolt of electricity to cause a distraction. The girl was confused (it was so fast that she didn't notice it). Then her mom comes up and starts blaming her for doing it while she trying to explain that she did not cause it (apparently abilities were common). I interrupt and say it was me, apologize and move on. As i leave, i can hear the girl's mom say "People like him should die". For some reason, i get fairly depressed. I sit on a bench nearby... it's still raining. I gave up on following my brothers and sisters. I just sit there, in dark thoughts. When i raise my head, i see them standing right in front of me, smiling. Their sheer smiles were enough to make me feel better. Younger sister reaches out her hand towards me and says:"Don't worry about us. Even if you are the eldest, we will support you with all we got... after all, we are the '7 children'!". My mood lightens up.
// End of part 1 of dream
// Start of part 2
In the second part of the dream, people became... extreme. Their usual personalities were pushed to the point where they nearly never go. Their purest state. Without a hesitation, they would follow what they believed as correct. There's not much to talk about it, though.
// Dream end
Well... there's one thing that i can say -- I love dream people more than this reality's ones. Like A LOT MORE.
Cannot remember the whole dream due to not memorizing it well enough at morning. I'll go over it by skipping some caps.
The dream had bits of 'To aru kagaku no Railgun' in it, yet the landscape/environment, was my home village.
I'm not quite sure who or what i was, but the family i was in -- i was the eldest. I had 4 brothers and 2 sisters.
I'm not sure what happened, but they all went out on a stormy day. I decided to follow them (it was more out of concern, rather than out of curiosity). There's a big mall in front of me... a person asks if i know something. Had no time, shot a bolt of electricity to cause a distraction. The girl was confused (it was so fast that she didn't notice it). Then her mom comes up and starts blaming her for doing it while she trying to explain that she did not cause it (apparently abilities were common). I interrupt and say it was me, apologize and move on. As i leave, i can hear the girl's mom say "People like him should die". For some reason, i get fairly depressed. I sit on a bench nearby... it's still raining. I gave up on following my brothers and sisters. I just sit there, in dark thoughts. When i raise my head, i see them standing right in front of me, smiling. Their sheer smiles were enough to make me feel better. Younger sister reaches out her hand towards me and says:"Don't worry about us. Even if you are the eldest, we will support you with all we got... after all, we are the '7 children'!". My mood lightens up.
// End of part 1 of dream
// Start of part 2
In the second part of the dream, people became... extreme. Their usual personalities were pushed to the point where they nearly never go. Their purest state. Without a hesitation, they would follow what they believed as correct. There's not much to talk about it, though.
// Dream end
Well... there's one thing that i can say -- I love dream people more than this reality's ones. Like A LOT MORE.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Dream log: Distorted away
This is... i don't know how many'th dream in the row that has been seriously distorted. People's personalities are completely different. I cannot read their actions anymore.
Dream starts off with me somewhat expressing my rage against my mom. She gets fairly depressed. I wanted to say sorry, but she would not realize what she had done wrong, so i did not. She disappears. Thus begins my journey to search her again.
The next thing i remember, is being somewhere in a big city (something like London sub-urban areas). The environment is completely unknown to me. I do not what to expect at all (thus having a slight awareness that I'm in a dream, yet no conscious control over it. I tend to find fun in "going with the flow"). A bit later, it's night. I meet with some people who fell out of the school. Their personalities aren't as much distorted, but there is a noticeable difference. The one who i got along with, seemed to be in some sort of a gang. He was somewhat more aggressive (in real life, he was in a friendly way. He never hurt anyone, though). There was a barrel, burning something, or maybe, for heat and light. The overall mood was sad. Everyone seemed... lost, yet somehow they had enough will to support each other. The one whom i spoke of, poured water onto the fire-alarm switch (it should go off) and it went off. I ran out and looked behind with a confused face... they were just sitting there calmly (or perhaps, they seemed as there is no help). A while past, no firefighters, no nothing.
I decided to buy some coca-cola from a nearby open-air shop. In the end, i brought some kind of powdered stuff, instead of a drink. Well, it was only 2.60 (no idea how i remembered that so precisely).
As i take my leave, i come across a kid (roughly 5-7 years old). He asks where i am going. I said, that I'm not sure. That I'm in search of my mom. I told her name and he said that he was allowed to be her new "son". From that point, i sorta developed some hatred at him. Perhaps jealousy. I didn't really care a lot, so i let him follow me.
We walk across streets and he asks if i know where I'm going. Suddenly, i remembered that I've seen this place before. From a dream (paradox? Remembering dream inside a dream?). A place flashes across my eyes. A name. "Grand ???????". I begin to search for a place with that name. Luckily, i memorized big part of the path i must take.
Not long after, i find the place. I open the door... I'm on the 4-rth floor already? Hmm. Mom is speaking with 2 other women. I simply stand and look, deciding not to interrupt. The boy does not do anything, either. I could sense him looking me with fear in his mind. I do not waver.
When mom looks at me, it feels like she falls deeper into a pitch black hole. The one where I've been falling for ages. For eternity. Her eyes are lifeless. I felt sad, yet i already knew, that this personality is distorted. She is not from where i am, yet it made me wonder, perhaps, it is i, who lives many lives at once? How come i have never met myself? Many thoughts go through my mind, yet i decide to put them all aside. I say:"Did this running away help you? The one who is supposed to fall, is me, not you". I see regret from her face. She stands up without a word, and goes to another room. Her mood did lighten, though. I sit on a couch. Right in front of me, i have a clear view over the city. It's deteriorating. Everything seems to be in bad shape.
// Dream end
It's strange. Are my dreams being influenced by my mood? They never have been before. It's also strange, that this has been going on over a week now.
Also, i'm not quite sure what i meant under "falling". I think i meant the constant dreams about falling into darkness (and now the depression), but who knows. Perhaps there is a more significant meaning behind it.
Dream starts off with me somewhat expressing my rage against my mom. She gets fairly depressed. I wanted to say sorry, but she would not realize what she had done wrong, so i did not. She disappears. Thus begins my journey to search her again.
The next thing i remember, is being somewhere in a big city (something like London sub-urban areas). The environment is completely unknown to me. I do not what to expect at all (thus having a slight awareness that I'm in a dream, yet no conscious control over it. I tend to find fun in "going with the flow"). A bit later, it's night. I meet with some people who fell out of the school. Their personalities aren't as much distorted, but there is a noticeable difference. The one who i got along with, seemed to be in some sort of a gang. He was somewhat more aggressive (in real life, he was in a friendly way. He never hurt anyone, though). There was a barrel, burning something, or maybe, for heat and light. The overall mood was sad. Everyone seemed... lost, yet somehow they had enough will to support each other. The one whom i spoke of, poured water onto the fire-alarm switch (it should go off) and it went off. I ran out and looked behind with a confused face... they were just sitting there calmly (or perhaps, they seemed as there is no help). A while past, no firefighters, no nothing.
I decided to buy some coca-cola from a nearby open-air shop. In the end, i brought some kind of powdered stuff, instead of a drink. Well, it was only 2.60 (no idea how i remembered that so precisely).
As i take my leave, i come across a kid (roughly 5-7 years old). He asks where i am going. I said, that I'm not sure. That I'm in search of my mom. I told her name and he said that he was allowed to be her new "son". From that point, i sorta developed some hatred at him. Perhaps jealousy. I didn't really care a lot, so i let him follow me.
We walk across streets and he asks if i know where I'm going. Suddenly, i remembered that I've seen this place before. From a dream (paradox? Remembering dream inside a dream?). A place flashes across my eyes. A name. "Grand ???????". I begin to search for a place with that name. Luckily, i memorized big part of the path i must take.
Not long after, i find the place. I open the door... I'm on the 4-rth floor already? Hmm. Mom is speaking with 2 other women. I simply stand and look, deciding not to interrupt. The boy does not do anything, either. I could sense him looking me with fear in his mind. I do not waver.
When mom looks at me, it feels like she falls deeper into a pitch black hole. The one where I've been falling for ages. For eternity. Her eyes are lifeless. I felt sad, yet i already knew, that this personality is distorted. She is not from where i am, yet it made me wonder, perhaps, it is i, who lives many lives at once? How come i have never met myself? Many thoughts go through my mind, yet i decide to put them all aside. I say:"Did this running away help you? The one who is supposed to fall, is me, not you". I see regret from her face. She stands up without a word, and goes to another room. Her mood did lighten, though. I sit on a couch. Right in front of me, i have a clear view over the city. It's deteriorating. Everything seems to be in bad shape.
// Dream end
It's strange. Are my dreams being influenced by my mood? They never have been before. It's also strange, that this has been going on over a week now.
Also, i'm not quite sure what i meant under "falling". I think i meant the constant dreams about falling into darkness (and now the depression), but who knows. Perhaps there is a more significant meaning behind it.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Bound by strings?
From time-to-time i sit on the bed when mom goes to sleep. They've concluded it as "dream-guarding". Nowhere near it. I can test out new theories. Yesterday, i was doing the normal routine. Scanning and analyzing all kinds of fields. Conscious, density, primary, differencial etc. A wide range of things, to put it simply. Something caught my attention. You know one of the plasma spheres? It looked fairly similar to it. Body as the center, then spiraling upwards into a fine thread. I couldn't see further than about 20cm. They were located throughout the body. There was a strange ... uhh... pillar(?) of energy exiting from near the arm. In the lower spine, there was what looked like a bite mark (density). This was all on my mom's body. Hmm. I wonder what that could be.
Couldn't stay up a lot longer last night, decided to try OBE (in a half-sitting half-lying position). No idea what happened next. Can't remember.
Lots of dreams. Most were completely random.
I was in a fairly low mood yesterday (pretty damn near to a breakdown).
---
Interesting thing is that most the aura viewing talk about seeing the auras and other fields. I can tell that they are far from truth. In order to see, you need to sense fields first, then project awareness to the area which you wish to view and define what you wish to see in what way. You actually don't see it. You are interpretating sight-location to sensing certain point/area, then sensing reinterpretated into sight information with certain "rules". It's basic synesthesia. Making one sense be expressed in another way. Well, atleast that's my logic behind it.
Couldn't stay up a lot longer last night, decided to try OBE (in a half-sitting half-lying position). No idea what happened next. Can't remember.
Lots of dreams. Most were completely random.
I was in a fairly low mood yesterday (pretty damn near to a breakdown).
---
Interesting thing is that most the aura viewing talk about seeing the auras and other fields. I can tell that they are far from truth. In order to see, you need to sense fields first, then project awareness to the area which you wish to view and define what you wish to see in what way. You actually don't see it. You are interpretating sight-location to sensing certain point/area, then sensing reinterpretated into sight information with certain "rules". It's basic synesthesia. Making one sense be expressed in another way. Well, atleast that's my logic behind it.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Day update of 12.05.2014
*Sighs* Mood is fairly low.
I was thinking the dreams over again. Many perspectives. Lost all of my will to do schoolwork due to it. Delusions... I wonder.
Future and past. Life and death -- These questions keep popping up in my mind over and over. I guess it's a pre-depression state of mind. It still hasn't hit me, though. Wonder what's taking so long?
Did some research on deep web.
So, Tor, eh? Scooped up some search engines as well. Tor seems to have a search engine too. Never knew that. I'm getting pretty bugged by having eyes behind my back, watching my every move.
8---23-15-14-4-5-18---8-6---8---3-1-14---6-8-14-4---19-15-13-5---19-5-3-18-5-20---6-9-12-5-19?
It's a fairly easy to reverse the code. It couldn't be even called a code since it's so easy.
Well, i'm bored now.
Edit (21:29):
So... Here's some 'Magi':
I was thinking the dreams over again. Many perspectives. Lost all of my will to do schoolwork due to it. Delusions... I wonder.
Future and past. Life and death -- These questions keep popping up in my mind over and over. I guess it's a pre-depression state of mind. It still hasn't hit me, though. Wonder what's taking so long?
Did some research on deep web.
So, Tor, eh? Scooped up some search engines as well. Tor seems to have a search engine too. Never knew that. I'm getting pretty bugged by having eyes behind my back, watching my every move.
8---23-15-14-4-5-18---8-6---8---3-1-14---6-8-14-4---19-15-13-5---19-5-3-18-5-20---6-9-12-5-19?
It's a fairly easy to reverse the code. It couldn't be even called a code since it's so easy.
Well, i'm bored now.
Edit (21:29):
So... Here's some 'Magi':
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